We open in a Catholic church, and WASPy Blair's in the confessional - wearing a spotted veil, natch. She confesses in a very Bree Van de Kamp way that she got drunk and lost her virginity to Upchuck - fangirl squeal - but luckily Upchuck's such a pig he won't even think twice about it or repeat it to anyone. She thanks God for that part, and then apologizes for that and admits she's not even Catholic. The priest is all like, no shit girl, and tells her not drink and "keep her clothes on." I'm not very religious, but this priest kicks ass. There's also a pretty awesome Da Vinci Code reference in there. As she's leaving she asks the priest if he grants birthday wishes (her bday's tomorrow), and he dryly replies that he's a priest, not a genie. Undaunted, she asks for the man upstairs to return Nate back to her clutches. Worst birthday present ever, but whatevs.

What a whore.

Across town, Serena and Dan are pretty much having sex in a coffee shop. I said it last week and I'll say it again - gross, get a goddamned room people! Vanessa is coincidentally their waitress, and Dan notices her and comes up for air exclaiming V's name. Serena chastises him that her name is Serena, and doesn't seem too angry about the slip, suggesting this is not the first nor the last time the guy she's dry humping has confused her for someone else. A few minutes of awkward conversation later, Vanessa turns tail and scampers away, adjusting her funky-bohemian-I'm-from-Brooklyn-and-poor-dammit costume on the way. The woman's a walking cartoon. Somebody shove a firecracker in her mouth and be done with her.

Blair strolls out of the church just as Upchuck's limo comes sidling by. He asks her to breakfast, and taunts her about how Nate won't be around to sing Happy Birthday this year. Blair angrily insists that no one knows they broke up, and she intends to get back together with Nate before anyone finds out. Upchuck then makes a few lewd comments about the sex, and Blair snaps that it should never be mentioned again, and he's uninvited to her party. Blair, we've already seen that Upchuck doesn't take no for an answer too often, so it's safe to assume he's still coming.

In the ghetto, Rufus is drinking his morning coffee when Jenny strolls in, her mother in tow. Mrs. Humps is another blonde whose plastic surgery makes it difficult to determine her age, cut from the same cloth as Lily and Nate's mom. Mrs. Humps makes herself right at home and starts cooking breakfast, while Rufus tosses a few passive-aggressive comments her way and Jenny stands there awkwardly. Scintillating stuff, guys. Dan then arrives home and finds the three of them eating. Dan doesn't waste any time pointing out how weird the situation is, and the four squabble about Mrs. Hump's presence and the big red A on her chest. Dan then storms off.

The first and only time we'll see a mother cooking on this show.

After having gone to a jewelry store and putting some pieces on hold, Blair arrives home and Eleanor shoves the morning paper in her face. She doesn't understand today's Family Circus and wants an explanation, dammit! Oh, and also, the paper has Cappy McDouche's arrest for fraud and embezzlement all over the front page. Eleanor's freaking out about her business relationship with Cappy while Blair gazes at the picture of the Archibalds and moans about poor wittle Natey-poo. Aggh, Blair, wake up! Nate slept with and still loves your best friend, told you to your face that he doesn't love you, and his dad's a coke-snorting white-collar criminal! I'm totally a Blair fan, but the bitch is starting to get on my nerves with this Nate shit.

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Posted in Gossip Girl by LoLo at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)
Last Comment: popsquire on Jan 13, 2008 11:23 AM.