After a quick rehashing of the awesomeness of last season -- ending with the tease that Serena and Nate might hook up -- we dive right back in, with Gossip Girl telling us that sex and scandal don't take a break in the summer -- they merely move to the Hamptons. Cut directly to Nate with a mysterious blonde straddling his lap. While at first glance it looks like Serena, the cameras finally pull away to reveal that Nate has found himself a nice little cougar! They chit-chat as they go at it, and we learn that Nate and the cougar want to keep their romps a secret, and Serena's been covering for Nate while she nurses her broken heart and adjusts to the absence of constant judgmental comments.

Chuck Bass (how I missed you!), meanwhile, is apparently up to his old tricks -- wearing a hilariously ugly ensemble and charming a bunch of butterfaced whores. As he lounges on the beach, holding his white wine carefully by the stem of the glass and ogling the naked breasts of his companions, he gets a Gossip Girl update -- Blair's on her way back from France early, for unknown reasons. As he ponders that, Serena walks by, shoots him a disgusted look, and plops down dejectedly on a beach towel a few yards down. GG tells us that for someone who's supposedly getting hot-and-heavy with Nate, Serena's by herself an awful lot. Looks like Serena is as bad of an actress as the actress who plays Serena.

But look who's not alone -- Mr. holier-than-thou himself, Dan Humphrey. He's making out with some random chick in the middle of a book reading! If anyone else did something like that, he'd have a lot of unsolicited judgments to hand out. When they finally break apart, she gives him her phone number. So he just met this girl and started making out with her in the self-help aisle? How does that even happen? "Hey baby, you looking to feel good? Why spend $12.99 on Chicken Soup for the Soul when I can jam my tongue down your throat for free?" And isn't Dan supposed to be a dork when it comes to the ladies? Seth Cohen was never meant to get a lot of ass, and neither are you, Humphrey.

When the bookstore slut leaves, the gentleman doing the book reading approaches Dan and we learn Dan's been working for this dude all summer as an intern. Way to impress the boss, Dan. Next time, why don't you just urinate on his manuscript. The boss harasses Dan about a required story Dan has yet to turn in, and Dan claims it's almost finished and he will turn it in tomorrow. Ten bucks he hasn't started it and it's about Serena -- and how right Dan was about everything. After the boss orders Dan to go home and finish, another random chick approaches Dan and we see he's been screwing around with multiple girls at once! What the hell happened -- with all the cute, rich boys in the Hamptons, is Dan the best thing available in the city? Ladies, get a vibrator for a few months and hold out.

"Want to pinch my nipples in the travel section?"

Time to check in with Little J, who's been interning for Blair's mother the entire summer. You know, since sophomores in high school usually intern for major fashion designers. Jenny's immediate supervisor, Laurel, approaches and mocks her completing so much work by taking it home at night and not having a social life. I can see where Laurel is coming from -- dedicated, proactive employees who do extra work off the clock are such a pain in the ass. Shrugging it off, Jenny then shows Laurel a dress she's made for an upcoming White Party in the Hamptons. It looks a bit tacky from what I can tell, not to mention not white! Laurel verbally rips it pieces -- especially the fact that it won't fit Jenny because it's HUGE and it's not like Jenny's invited to the party. Jenny giggles awkwardly and explains the dress is actually for Laurel to wear at the party -- since there's a chance in hell that would ever happen. Flustered and annoyed she just got tricked into calling herself a heifer, Laurel scoffs at the notion and flounces away.

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Posted in Gossip Girl by LoLo at 11:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)
Last Comment: blahblah on Sep 13, 2008 08:17 AM.