As Dan and Amanda chit chat -- she's reading a book by that author who canned Dan's ass in the premiere, a fact he leaves out when bragging about interning for the guy -- Serena and Blair stroll the hallways, B advising S that whomever dates first wins, and it's totally going to be Serena because Dan is well, Dan. That is until they turn the corner and see Dan and Amanda getting cozy. Serena is understandably upset, despite Amanda's round head and blank, wide-eyed expression making her look like a Cabbage Patch doll.
"Would you like to adopt me?"
Blair gets ahold of Amanda's dossier, and determines that Amanda is "Dan with boobs." Oh dear God, get her off my TV NOW! Blair wants to move Amanda to the front of the draft day line, while Serena insists she's fine and doesn't care in a fakely chipper voice. Other than when she's with Chuck, I like Blair the best when she's busy destroying stupid twits. Let the massacre begin!
Vanessa's standing around the gallery, being useless as always, when cougar Catherine shows up to thank her for "respecting their agreement" when Nate tried to talk to her that morning. Damn, cougar. If there's one thing more pathetic than a woman your age banging a high school boy, it's a woman your age stalking a high school boy. Vanessa tells her sweetly to get the fuck out and Catherine does -- but not before dropping off a check for $5k to guarantee Vanessa's continued silence. Wow. V should demand $10k instead, and move on to a boy who can count to 20 without using all his fingers and toes.
I know you're all 80s trashtastic, V, but shoulder pads are bad enough when they're on the inside of your shirt.
At school, Dan and Serena finally run into each other and engage in an extremely awkward chat while Chuck watches from a distance. They decide to go the friend route, but when Serena suggests they eat lunch together, Cabbage Patch yelps Dan's name and we learn he already made plans to eat lunch with her. Serena quickly escapes with as much pride left in tact as possible, passing Chuck who mocks her and asks if he heard something about a lunch. Upset, she stalks off as Chuck takes a picture of Dan and Cabbage Patch and sends it to GG. This of course gets back to Blair, who quickly shoves her Cabbage Patch plan into overdrive.
Back in Brooklyn, Lily goes to visit Rufus, perhaps for some post-wedding sex to bookend the pre-wedding sex. Despite the fact that she's married, used him for an orgasm, and he's got hos spending the night while his kids are only a few feet away, they decide to go to a concert together.
Blair & the minions are now changed for gym class, and have tracked down Cabbage Patch. I immediately notice that the blonde with the manwhore brother is with them, and still no sign of the midget. I hope the actress hasn't left the show -- I'd miss her stunted ass. Anyway, Blair invites Cabbage Patch to join them for lunch, and when CP tries to refuse, Penelope and Blair warn that pissing them off could be hazardous for her health -- socially, mentally, and physically. Oh man, I hope we get another gym class thrown down like between B and S last season.
"Cancel your lunch date or I ram this stick up your cornhole."
Serena arrives and demands to know what's going on. Blair quickly tells her it's for her own good, because lunch with Dan will surely lead to a Dan-CP wedding next week. Those would be some bizarre, round-headed, gap-toothed children.
Vanessa has made her way to Catherine's to return the $5k check. Vanessa, is there anything you don't suck at? But as she's on her way to leave, she hears Catherine indistinctly laughing in the next room. Annoyed, Vanessa decides to tell Catherine to go fuck herself personally, and enters the room -- to find Catherine and JaMarcus playing a naughty game of bad stepmommy! WOW! In retrospect, I should have totally called that one, but I didn't see it coming! Stunned, Vanessa whips out her camera phone and records the evidence, while trying not to gag/ask Catherine if there are any teenage boys in the tristate area she's not currently banging.
"I'm about to pluck your delicate flower right now, Mommy."
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Comments (12)
OMG I've been waiting all week for this recap.
This was definitely one of the best episodes ever. I waited the whole first season for Serena to go back to her old ways and take over as Queen bee.
Although I love the Serena/Blair friendship it'll be very interesting to see them fighting for power.
Also just a side note: I think it's cute when Serena and Blair call each other "S" and "B" but when Dan walked into the coffee shop and called Vanessa "V" I gagged because it sounded so contrived.
1 of 12 | Posted by cherin | Posted on September 26, 2008 5:41 AM
I haven't finished reading this yet, but I just wanted to point this out before I forget...US Weekly recently voted the chick that plays Vanessa one of the "25 Most Stylish New Yorkers"...not sure what her "real-life" style is, but I feel like this is based mostly on her character...that said, I also hate Vanessa and her look!
I'm getting a little annoyed at how easily plots are tied up on this show...the Serena murder reprival, the call to Georgina's parents, and now the Duchess and Marcus get shipped out...would have liked to see more conflict stem out of that... ok back to the recap!
2 of 12 | Posted by msu11y28 | Posted on September 26, 2008 8:16 AM
hilarious!
i *also* thought dan went all the way to brooklyn, but v-snatch was already on the other side of the bridge.
3 of 12 | Posted by matzboy | Posted on September 26, 2008 12:40 PM
Will you be my BFF? You always have the nicest recaps.
4 of 12 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on September 26, 2008 4:57 PM
I look foreward to ur recaps almost as much as the show.
Serena as Queen Bee is awesome. No more boring/insecureness from being around Dan. GG was in such a rut wih the dan/serena dating plot, and it was so much better this week when they were broken up.
Vanessa sucks, straight up, at everything. I love how u antagonize her!
5 of 12 | Posted by kellyhp12 | Posted on September 26, 2008 11:32 PM
I am not a fan of any of the guest stars GG brings in. Georgina, Duchess, Cabbage Patch, Marcus...they're all really annyoing. I can't decide if it makes me want to watch the show more or less.
6 of 12 | Posted by heygirl | Posted on September 27, 2008 2:51 PM
I really hope CP/Amanda never returns. I could not stand her voice. I wonder if she really speaks like a baby, or if she did it for this part?
Vanessa and Dan suck. I can't stand how judgemental the two of them are. I knew Vanessa was going to screw up Blair's plan.
I don't like S as the queen. She was so creepy at the end fixing Blair's hair.
7 of 12 | Posted by blairwaldorf | Posted on September 27, 2008 3:28 PM
OMG the captions were hilarious! great job
Does anybody else get the new episodes on sunday nights? Halfway through the fashion week one...so far its pretty good!
8 of 12 | Posted by Muisey77 | Posted on September 28, 2008 4:35 PM
*cough* it's bollocks not bullocks - testicles not baby bulls. Though I suppose getting British words wrong is very apt for JaMarcus and this might just be very subtle satire on your part.
This episode has finally upped the pace of what has been a rather slow season. I'm glad your recap managed to match the standard.
Also is one of the conditions of Serena becoming 'queen' that everyone has to wear stupid head scarves? Not cool.
9 of 12 | Posted by xlittlemissparanoidx | Posted on September 29, 2008 3:46 AM
Did anybody else notice how ratty Jenny's purse was? You would think she would just make a new one being that she wants to be a fashion designer!
10 of 12 | Posted by flowie623 | Posted on September 29, 2008 11:03 AM
Did anybody else notice how ratty Jenny's purse was? You would think she would just make a new one being that she wants to be a fashion designer!
11 of 12 | Posted by flowie623 | Posted on September 29, 2008 11:03 AM
Just finished watching this show (late) and reading the recap (late). This episode was all kinds of AWESOME!!!
1. Return of ballsy Serena = Hell yeah!!
2. No more Nate and Vanessa = Hell yeah!
3. Dufus Rufus making Lily understand she can't have her cake and eat it too = Hell yeah!
4. Dan finally understanding how blessed he was to have Serena as his gf = Hell to the Y-E-A-H!
I figured JaMarcus and Stepmommy were getting down because of how possessive she was about JM ("she never likes any of my gfs! *whine*). We already saw how she gets by how she dealt with Nate and V.
But GG really surprised me with the Chuck/Cabbage Patch twist. My jaw literally dropped wide open. I think he's trying to take anything that Blair values away from her. His reasoning could be that a vulnerable Blair will be submissive. It's hard to tell if Chuck actually loves Blair or just enjoys the challenge of destroying her. Maybe a little bit of both??
Bye bye JaMarcus. Won't miss ya. They can't put him on a plane fast enough for me. But Catherine? I like her as a Blair nemesis. Speaking of Blair nemesis's, I'm liking the recycled B v. S plot. This time, S looks like she's gonna embrace the showdown. Ironic how Dan's self-righteous preaching opened this can of worms. (When are Dan and Vanessa gonna realize they're soulmates in judgmentalism?)
I don't care about Jenny. I'm rooting for the minions to make her life miserable.
Btw, I'm starting a petition to bring back Hazel.
LoLo, this was an amazing recap to a great episode. I agree with you that this is one of the best. My favorite actually....
12 of 12 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on September 30, 2008 12:00 AM