Well guys, since it's already Sunday night and there's a new episode on tomorrow night, this week's extremely late Gossip Girl recap's going to be dedicated to Hazel -- it's a midget recap.
Blair needs to really reconsider her "O" face.
Blair wants to have sex with JaMarcus, but he turns her down. And Brits wonder why they're stereotyped as being effeminate.
"I'm sorry, darling, but you're a delicate flower, and I want it to be special... with Eric, evidently."
Since she always has her shit together, Jenny advises that Vanessa say to hell with pride, and call Nate even though he blew her off last week to be Catherine's gigolo. And hell, if that doesn't work out, V can always get the hot beef injection from her dad.
Catherine has dragged Nate shopping, and is enjoying dressing him up like a little Yorkie she's going to shove in her Louis Vuitton. He has the same desperate, mad gleam in his eye I see on my neighbor's Chihuahua when he's wearing a matching Burberry sweater and booties. His scintillating pillow talk has included telling her where Cappy McDouche is hiding out, which she teasingly threatens to reveal if he doesn't try on this darling sweater vest. Vanessa calls and Nate happily makes plans to see her, while lying to Catherine and saying it was CrazyEyes Archibald.
"I better do some more Kegel exercises before our lunch date tomorrow. That shit ain't gonna stay tight on its own."
Serena and Dan have been secretly humping all over at least two boroughs, and just as they decide to break the news to everyone at this episode's big party, an uggo Gossip Girl minion photographs them licking livers and broadcasts it citywide. Jenny and Rufus are excited, Blair is disgusted, and Chuck is well... Chuck. Who the hell knows?
Nate and Vanessa hang out, and even though he promises not to blow her off again, his gigolo schedule makes finding alone time difficult. At least alone time when he's not smelling of cougar spray. Speaking of cougars, Catherine has now evolved from paying for sex to full-fledged stalker, and she witnesses Nate and V holding hands and acting flirty on the street. Kill Vanessa! Please!
Serena and Blair hang out, and Blair gloats that JaMarcus hasn't pressured her about sex, not even once. That's what happens with your boyfriend's gay, B. You and Jenny should get coffee and compare notes. Serena gets pissed when Blair doesn't congratulate her on getting back together with Dan -- hell, even Duroda did (love it that Duroda gets GG blasts). Blair correctly tells her that until Serena and Dan talk through their problems from last season, it doesn't count. Catherine then calls Blair to find out who the tacky whore hanging out with Nate is, and Blair is happy to help.
"Hmm, as for number 8 on the list of men who will fuck me... I know! A-rod! He did bang Madonna, after all, and she's like the Cryptkeeper."
Nate goes and douchily asks Chuck for the money Chuck offered to give him last week. Turns out Chuck doesn't have that money anymore, so Nate's gonna have to keep making that cougar purr. Chuck mentions that he's been "off his game" lately, as an Asian flight attendant prostitute arrives. At least now we know what happened to all that cash.
Jenny's working at Eleanor Waldorf, cleaning up model bulimia residue and hemming what must be a Hester Prynne Halloween costume. Jenny hates the dress, and tells the heinous Laurel it's fug. Laurel's finally realized that Tinsley Mortimor's a useless hag and no one to kiss Jenny's ass over, so she tells Jenny to STFU and go clean vomit.
Serena whines to Dan about Blair, while both still dodge the concept of talking about their problems. When Lily (miss you!) calls Serena, she steps away for a few moments and leaves Dan to be ambushed by three preteen twits who will surely be coke whores and/or barefoot and pregnant by age 19. They got the GG blast, and the two little brunettes flirtatiously scold him for taking Serena's skanky, man-killing ass back, while the adorable blonde sides with S and gives him dirty looks. Serena comes back over and mini-Serena yells at her that Dan's mouth touched Georgina's and she should think about the next time they hook up. I officially like mini-Serena better than the real thing. Realizing that recess is almost over, the preteens scoot and Dan and Serena awkwardly agree to talk later.
"Mini-Serena sure was cute. I wonder how young is too yo-- Great. Now I'm an insufferable prick AND a child molester."
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Comments (5)
Well, LoLo, I would give you shit for the late recap but I'm just happy you're not lying in a ditch somewhere with a laptop-sized gash in your head.
Loved all of the 80's references for Vanessa (yes I'm playing with a snap bracelet right now, and yes I'm that old), although I always hated Teddy Ruxpin.
You are so right about the elevator breakup being the best Dan/Serena scene EVER. I still don't understand how a real-life couple could be this horrible on-screen together...I'm almost to the point of rooting for Blake Lively and Penn to break up for real so one of them (Penn) will get fired from the show..or at least put an end to the on-again-off-again rship.
Blair + Chuck = smoking hot! Chuck's face and wardrobe doesn't do it for me, but I think these two have the best chemistry of any GG "couple". I'm always rooting for them to get horizontal (or vertical).
I'm off to the store now to buy some blueberry yogurt.
1 of 5 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on September 22, 2008 11:29 AM
Oops, before I go...here are my answers to your questions:
Catherine can stay as long as she wants. Cougars are always entertaining. JaMarcus (aka Mr. Plot Device) will be on the show for as long as he's needed to make Chuck jealous. And/or until Blair realizes that she'll need to find a guy who will actually sex her up in order to make Chuck jealous.
Serena BETTER win the ex-wars! Since she's the one who was broken up with, she has my sympathy. Although, technically Dan already won because while Serena was moping around all summer, Dan was busy being a whore. That means, they have to up the ante by pairing Serena with a rich hottie who will last at least three episodes. I hope the D/S breakup is for good.
I don't miss Lily at all. The adults can all be shipped to a snake-infested island for all I care.
2 of 5 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on September 22, 2008 11:34 AM
God, I can't stand Jenny, Dan, and Vanessa! I'm so glad that Serena actually called Dan out on being right all the time.
I like how Blair still manages to get what she wants.
I laughed out loud a few times while reading this.
I can't wait to see what you write about tonight's episode!
3 of 5 | Posted by blairwaldorf | Posted on September 22, 2008 6:53 PM
Your whole recap was hilariously mean. I hated that "delicate flower" comment. Blair is being such a fag hag.
4 of 5 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on September 23, 2008 3:51 PM
Thanks for the great comments guys, and still reading these despite my tardiness posting them.
Bad news -- I won't have this recap posted this morning, as promised. Feel free to pelt me with yogurt.
Good news -- I have started it (about 50% done), and will be able to finish and post it tonight after work.
5 of 5 | Posted by LoLo | Posted on September 25, 2008 5:09 AM