Happy New Year everyone! As many of you know, I was out of the country over the holidays, and therefore am about two weeks behind in these Gossip Girl recaps. But I'm back now, and ready to chat about our favorite spoiled, promiscuous brats! In this episode, the gang breaks into the school's pool where an extra nearly dies, creating a thrilling whodunit mystery! Note the sarcasm.
Way to be selfish, random kid, and ruin the fun.
Dolores Umbridge and the Pool Party Puzzler
This week we begin with the UES crew indulging in a clandestine after-hours pool party at school, complete with martinis, joints, and matching flowered swim caps in the cases of the minions. Except for Jenny and Eric, the whole gang is present and having a great time until some random kid nearly bashes his brains in and falls unconscious into the water. Oddly enough, no one seems to notice the floating body with the seeping blood for a few moments, until Nate's nipples get a tingly sensation, letting him know there's trouble. Either that, or it was his conversation with Chuck about their wild times together in Monaco that was doing the trick. Regardless, Nate realizes what's going on and pulls the kid out of the water while Serena calls 911. As the paramedics begin to arrive, we see Chuck suspiciously pocket a key.
There's a thin line between cool and retarded. And guess what, Chuck: the line is a dot to you.
The following Monday, both prep schools are gathered for a joint assembly on the pool party. Thanks to pictures on an abandoned cell phone, the schools know which students were there. But they're not happy with just that - they want to know who was in charge of the party and punish that individual severely. The new Constance Billard headmistress immediately goes all Dolores Umbridge on their asses - requiring that they all meet individually with her for a nice cup of Veritaserum, and threatening to expel each one of them unless the guilty party comes forward.
After the assembly, the gang gathers outside and vows that they all will just keep their mouths shut. Dan pees his panties a little bit and whines that he doesn't want to get expelled, and Blair snaps that a group silence pact has always worked before. Like take last year, when they were caught swilling mojitos and riding the pommel horses in the gym. Totally fine. But Dan remains unconvinced, and runs off to change his pants before 6th period.
Oh god, my pants feel icky...
Blair decides to hold an impromptu "Suck it, Dolores" gathering at her place, and Dan and Vanessa show up together. On their way in, Vanessa shows Dan some video footage she had captured on her camcorder the night of the pool party - showing Chuck pocketing that mysterious key. Dan's still trying to process what that means when he sees Chuck at the party, holding that same key. Blair also sees Chuck with it and snatches it away, hissing at him that it's evidence. She goes upstairs to hide the key in a drawer, and unbeknownst to her, is seen by Nate.
Meanwhile, Dan approaches Chuck and demands that Chuck confess. Amused, Chuck points out that he doesn't give a shit one way or the other if he gets expelled, since Bart can just donate a wing in the Bass name and get Chuck back in. I'm assuming there are already about 8 Bass wings, and at least 3 libraries, don't you think? Chuck taunts Dan some more and finally claims that the only reason he picked up the key was to hide the evidence - not because it was his.
Spiritually broken, Dan tries to whine to Serena about what a big poo-poo head Chuck is, and how it pisses him off that Chuck knows something but won't go forward. Serena makes a face that's even more awkward than usual, and Dan realizes that Serena knows something as well. You know that feeling when everyone in the group knows something but you, and no one will tell you? Yeah, it sucks. Sorry Dan.
Back at school, Nate confesses to Dolores that he broke into the school - thinking he's protecting Blair. He gives Dolores the key he swiped from Blair's desk, but Dolores doesn't believe him and demands to know whom he's trying to protect. When Nate refuses to squeal, she calls another assembly and suspends Nate in front of the whole group for his dishonesty. Dan straps on some Depends and pulls out the can of Lysol in his backpack.
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Comments (5)
Lenni from Ghostwriter!?!?!? NO - you didn't!!
LoLo - you are brilliant! (Mr. Humps kinda reminds me of Lenni's dad too) Why didn't Tina and Alex ever work it out? Personal confession: back in the day, I made my mom take me to every music store around trying to find Lenni's "album." (I think my line is a dot too...)
Oh - and normally I ignore all the completely ridiculous stuff in this show (like the Humps are poor..) but this episode, but when Chuck gave Vanessa 10 grand - she didn't keep it? I don't give a shit if he got the money running a whore-house in the Bronx, I would've taken that $$ in a heartbeat, especially if I was as "poor" as they make V out to be...whatevs...great recap!
1 of 5 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on January 16, 2008 8:42 AM
No "misfit" looks like Vanessa on the show.
But this was a hilarious recap!
2 of 5 | Posted by isharma | Posted on January 16, 2008 11:41 AM
YAY! So excited to go to tvgasm and see that this was up. The chronological thing is nice b/c it's kind of easier, but it makes the recaps shorter- while I enjoy your humour (and Gossip Girl) so much I could read 10 pages worth of recap.
Something exciting needs to happen with Dan and Serena soon, b/c they are too boring for you to adequately express in writing.
3 of 5 | Posted by Fomhoire | Posted on January 16, 2008 9:06 PM
LoLo - loved the recap - and for the most part it was an interesting twist to do it by storyline.
Great captions too.
Can we start a petition to have the hair stylist on this show fired? I mean I know she does an adequate job fluffing up Serena's hair so you don't quite notice all her dopey expressions. But I can not for the life of me figure out why she hates Blair so much. Seriously, aren't headbands designed to hold hair out of your face? Instead she always has the hair hanging down with the headband behind it - it makes no sense.
And don't get me started on the attrocities going on on the heads of Dan, Chuck, Rufus, Nate and Eric. (((shudders)))
4 of 5 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on January 18, 2008 2:24 PM
Yay! It's here! I love the way you ordered it but really, either way is fine. Its the writing that matters. The previews really were the best part about this episode and if you think Dan and Serena were boring this episode, wait until the next one. I thought I was gonna stab my out eye watching those two. She just acts like his mum 24/7, WTH is up with that? And he's always these throwing gigantic hissy fits, jeez. Such a loser
5 of 5 | Posted by catycath08 | Posted on January 20, 2008 1:04 PM