Last week on Gossip Girl, the goddamn blogging software ate my recap, hence me posting nearly two weeks later. We also learned that the rape gene is hereditary, people from Iowa are idiots, and that old people are full of phlegm.
"But Dorota, I don't want to follow the scary girl. I want to lick my butt."
It's the day of Yale admission decisions, and no one is more excited and nervous than our Queen B. Gay dad and his french lover have flown in for the special occasion, complete with a new puppy that Blair will probably kick a few times before finally admitting she loves it -- just to have it piss on her face while she sleeps. Specifically, the puppy is a bulldog because that's Yale's mascot. Luckily Blair doesn't have her sights set on THE Ohio State University or she'd be getting a dancing nut as a gift. The unambiguously gay duo babble to Blair over breakfast about celebrating at the opera that night, setting up our special event of the episode.
"Okay, Blair Bear -- vote. Who looks the gayest?"
At Serena's, Dan and Serena are also nervous to find out if they got accepted, but that is momentarily waylaid by the rising nausea of observing Rufus and Lily doing the walk of shame down the stairs. Everyone pretends that this isn't totally awkward but GROSS. Dan and Serena leave, and Eric appears, requesting that Lily and Rufus keep it down in the future, for there's only so many times he can hear them fucking before he starts sawing at his wrists again.
"I get it. You're hard, you're wet, and I'm going to need a whole other round of therapy."
Over at the Palace, Chuck is plotting how to get Jack removed from the head position of Bass Industries, but so far nothing is working.
"Remember when people used to care about my story line? Those were the days."
At school, there's a cute new teacher who looks 15 and likely will be getting frisky with Dan judging from their meet cute. The teacher, Rachel, is a corn-fed girl from Iowa afraid of the big bad city -- not to mention the height requirement to ride the attractions at Disney World -- and Serena and Dan helpfully suggest cool places for her to go. Surprisingly, one of the locations is not Dan's pants -- aka the best 90 seconds of your life.
"We'll do a threesome with you for an A. A letter of recommendation. Hell, a hall pass."
While Blair's still freaking out about Yale, Nate finds Dan and asks if Dan thinks Vanessa would like the opera. Why, yes, Vanessa would. She would especially love it if you shoved her ass over the balcony of your parents' box. God, I was really hoping she would have choked on some vagina candy and died by now.
"I'm only dating Vanessa to get closer to you, big boy."
"Aww, shucks..."
Chuck's arrived at Lily's to ask for help in taking Jack down. Given that he's still pissed at her for banging Rufus before the first shovel of dirt hit Bart's coffin, you know Chuck must be running out of ideas.
"I even tried to give the Board Blue Steel. Nothing."
Back at school, the Yale decisions are out! Dan got in (forever embarrassing the real-life Yale English department), but Blair got wait listed, much to Nelly Yuki's delight. As for Serena -- well she got in, but lies about it for Blair's sake, seeing as though B would rather be kicked in the vag right now than hear that.
"I hate to tell you 'I told you so', but I told you to flash the Dean some nip during that interview."
Meanwhile, Lily and Chuck are still talking about Bass Industries. She advises him that instead of planting traps for Jack involving underage girls, drugs and transsexual hookers, he should be a grown-up and look at it from a business perspective with the Board. She also suggests he move back in with them, but he passes on waking up to the smell of Rufus spunk every morning.
"Bear with me here, but let's pretend for a moment I know anything about business or acting anywhere near the age only my birth certificate knows me to be."
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Comments (7)
Hey, great recap! I look forward to these and was wondering why it was so late, but good job! :D
Personally, I like the earlier formats, but this was still good. I especially loved the screen cap of Nate and Dan:
"I'm only dating Vanessa to get closer to you, big boy."
"Aww, shucks..."
That was classic!
Keep it up :D
1 of 7 | Posted by KrispyDixie | Posted on February 1, 2009 10:34 PM
"I still don't see why we can't listen to my music instead. I have this great little tune called 'Run Away.' Perhaps you've heard it one of the 4,145 times I've sang it?"
I just laughed out loud by myself in my dorm room. Embarrassing, but completely awesome.
2 of 7 | Posted by heygirl | Posted on February 1, 2009 11:58 PM
I was thinking the same thing, too, about her pregnancy. Usually shows make some sort of effort to hide it past dark colors, but not Gossip Girl.
Also, I am glad Jack is gone. I can only accept one smarmy Bass, and that spot is reserved for Chuck. That being said, I hope he is back to being Chuck sooner rather than later.
And Nate and Vanessa can break up anytime. Or Vanessa can just die or leave or something. I prefer both Nate and Jenny without Vanessa around.
3 of 7 | Posted by kelsey | Posted on February 2, 2009 3:37 AM
I didn't notice the difference between formats so either one is cool with me.
The screencaps were hilarious!
Maybe the writers are hooking Lily and Rufus up so fast to knock Lily up, which would include Kelly's bump into the show. Now THAT would be a good storyline-> linking Dan and Serena with a present sibling instead of just a past one that no one knows.
I like Blair's minions more than Jenny. Nate & Vanessa are plot devices at this point, but we still need them to move the plots along. Plus, without Nate and Vanessa, Dan and Chuck would have only each other as friends. :)
4 of 7 | Posted by BlahBlah | Posted on February 2, 2009 4:10 PM
i always read your recaps but this one was hilarious. i hate vanessa (she is like teresa from the OC but she wont leave/die) and i just watched the new episode which was way more of a crazy episode then this one, i can not wait until you recap it! i am way too old to be watching this show but its hilarious and its fun. whenever i scream at the tv i know its been a good show right? thanks again and i appreciate your amazing humor for such a ridiculous show that i have not missed a single week of!
5 of 7 | Posted by mynameisjenn | Posted on February 2, 2009 7:51 PM
This is probably too much info to put out there in cyber-space, but the photo on the 3rd page with the caption:
"Are you as bored by this plot line as I am?" Abso-fucking-lutely."
I couldn't help just stare at it, thinking - good lord that is an amazing rack!! UGH - I feel dirty :(
Anyway - I have a question:
So, Jack has been sent away, after attempting to rape Lilly, correct? So WTF happened to the storyline about him and Blair hooking up? Remember, "he can't know what happened on New Years" Are the writers telling us that Blair has a strange fetish for potential-rapists? I know that's a little harsh, but I'm kinda confused here.
Oh well - excellent recap, regardless!! Till next time...
6 of 7 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on February 3, 2009 7:56 AM
I have a feeling Jack will be back and so will the parents of that fake dead adopted child. I'm still hoping Bart faked his death so maybe that will bring Jack back to NYC somehow?
Loved the recap, although if I hadn't watched last night's episode before reading I would have had to disagree with the "remember when people cared about my storylines" Chuck screencap. But WHAT WAS that Eyes Wide Shut (as Chuck himself said) BS about last night?!
7 of 7 | Posted by msu11y28 | Posted on February 3, 2009 9:41 AM