After the longest "previously on" ever, we open with our favorite UESiders primping in front of their various mirrors before school (except for the minions, who are inexplicably primping in front of the same mirror. I wonder if they finally splurged for that surgery to literally connect themselves at the hip). Gossip Girl tells us that the preparations have something to do with attending an Ivy League school and making your parents proud, but I'm too distracted by the a cappella choir version of Fergie's "Glamorous" in the background to really pay attention. The original song's annoying enough, but this is flat-out heinous. What crackpot music teacher selected that song, anyway? We sang Disney melodies in choir, not tranny pop songs.

The UESiders are in a school assembly, being lectured about the end of "Ivy Week." I didn't realize they go to separate single-sex schools, but evidently the girls from Stuckupbitch Prep will be holding a mixer for various Ivy League representatives, and guys from Richmommasboy Academy will be serving as ushers, escorting the Ivy reps at the mixer. The S.P. principal taunts that for those of them wanting to attend an Ivy League school, this mixer is the most important event of their lives. But no pressure! Blair and the minions preen, Nate and Upchuck look smug, and Dan swallows convulsively. Serena, thus far, is conspicuously absent.

Everyone in attendance is flashback-happy, and Dan is up first. We see Dan, covered with bloody toilet paper bits and looking like he asked Freddie Krueger to shave him, telling Rufus and Jenny that he's nervous about getting into Dartmouth, of all schools. Seriously, is Dartmouth paying to advertise on this show? If not, it's getting a pretty sweet deal. Dan's worried that since he has neither a legacy nor a trust fund to his name, he's not Dartmouth material. Rufus argues that Dartmouth will accept Dan because of his academic excellence despite him being poor, as they all stand around the gorgeous kitchen in the spacious loft apartment I would kill for. If that's poor, sign me up.

Nate's flashback also concerns the illustrious Dartmouth. We see Nate and Cappy McDouche racing in Central Park again, only this time Nate wins, causing Cappy to accuse Nate of cutting him off and almost knocking him over. So the lesson of this father-son bonding time is: Never Accept Defeat. If you "lose", it's only because someone else fucked you over, which you should immediately point out. Loudly. Great parenting, Cappy. Next lesson: The Art of Bribes. Nate laughs it off until he realizes Cappy's about to kick him in the nuts, and so he bends over and apologizes. This segues into another rah-rah Dartmouth speech by Cappy, ending with him yet again shooting down Nate's dream to go to that shithole UCLA.

Nate's just biding his time until the Menendez brothers send him those tips they promised.

We return to the assembly and learn that Blair is the head of a community outreach program, and will announce this year's honored charity at the mixer. If I were Dan, I would totally campaign for the Humphrey family as the selected charity. They already think you're practically homeless - might as well get some cash from it. The minions notice Serena's absence, and Blair tells them to STFU so she can hear about Yale. We flash back to Blair's morning, as she's strolling down her staircase gushing about how she's always wanted to go to Yale because their bulldog mascot is so cute. And here I've always seen Blair as more of a Teacup Yorkie kind of girl. Blair's uncharacteristically happy, and chatting comfortably without her guard up for once. To her mom, right? Nope, it's the maid, who's only listening to her because she gets paid to and whose only response is to ask Blair to eat her breakfast. Ouch.

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Posted in Gossip Girl by LoLo at 1:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Last Comment: two fives and a ten on Oct 10, 2007 06:26 AM.