Testimonials

A cab screeches up to the school, and Serena flies out, dashing up the steps in a skirt that barely covers her ass. We get another flash back, this one of Lily scolding Serena for sleeping over at the Mushroom's and for running late. As Lily nags, we find out that Serena's dream school is Brown, the red headed stepchild of the Ivy League. Back in the present, Serena is dismayed to see students filing out of the assembly and grabs Dan as he walks by, demanding if it's over. Dan, believing Serena's asking about their "relationship", turns up the dick factor until Serena clarifies she meant the assembly. Dan confirms that she missed it and strolls off, only to be replaced by Blair and the minions. Blair tells Serena not to worry about it, since Brown doesn't offer degrees in Slut. See, I could have told you that. It's why I went to Northwestern instead, where I graduated cum laude. True story.

Time for gym class, prep-school kid style, meaning lacrosse and classy team uniforms. None of those sweaty, mesh color-coded vests for these girls! Giving Blair a lacrosse stick was a bad idea, for she immediately uses it as a weapon and begins kicking the crap out of Serena, clubbing her and then knocking her to the ground. Serena decides that two can play that game and awesomely clotheslines Blair, then jumps on top of her. After a bit of a catfight they get up and Serena calls for a truce. Blair calculates the best move, and then doubles over "in pain" clutching her leg. Disgusted (and thrown out of class), Serena takes off while the minions tend to their leader. I would comment on how ridiculous the minions' outfits are, but if I did that every time they look challenged these recaps would be 24 pages long. Unless I say differently, just imagine the worst outfit you can and times that by 1000 each time they're on screen.

If you don't know what these are, you were spared approximately 5.2 years of high school-related therapy.

Back at R.A., the guys are interviewing for the coveted opportunity to hover awkwardly near an Ivy League rep during the mixer. Dan's with the Dartmouth rep, and sounds great (albeit a little boring) until he claims that his dream is Dartmouth and he thinks Dartmouth has been dreaming of him. Oy. If I were the rep, I would have nexted him right there. But if you're going to go the cheesy route, you gotta own it, and instead Dan backpedals making it even worse. Nate interviews next, and the Dartmouth rep gushes all over him as expected. Nate gets all noble, admitting that Dartmouth isn't his first choice and suggests that the rep give the usher position to someone who wants it more. Upchuck's not having any of this awkward-noble bullshit and tells some poor usher that he should get the position simply because he is Upchuck Bass. See Dan, that's owning the cheese.

The usher list is posted, and Upchuck's ego got Yale and Nate of course got Dartmouth despite his attempt to dissuade the rep. Dartmouth is such a woman--just act like you're not interested and Dartmouth will be throwing herself at you by the end of the night. Whore. Dan and Nate see the list at the same time, and Dan cranks up the dick factor again to say it totally makes sense Nate got the position, seeing as though Dan's second in their class and Nate's last. Nate's stupid? Nah, you got to be kidding me. After getting that out of his system, Dan realizes Nate knows absolutely nothing about anything, including Dartmouth, and begrudgingly recommends Nate read a book written by the Dartmouth rep. Nate asks if the book has pictures and nervously chews a nail at that thought as Dan storms outside. He immediately runs into Serena, and tells her that Nate got the usher position that Dan wanted. The symbolism is so heavy-handed here that "Just like Nate got Serena when Dan wanted her" might as well have flashed across the bottom of the screen. Serena tries to console Dan but he isn't really having it and instead guilt trips her about how she'll be able to get into any college she wants. She looks hurt, and they part.

At Blair's, the minions are subserviently applying cold compresses to Blair's "injured" leg and bitching about Serena when Upchuck calls. Blair sends the minions out of the room to fetch a heating pad, and then demands that Upchuck find out why Serena returned to town. Upchuck assures her that he and his magical scarf are on the case.

This show is an ACLU lawsuit waiting to happen.

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Posted in Gossip Girl by LoLo at 1:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Last Comment: two fives and a ten on Oct 10, 2007 06:26 AM.