Zoom in on the stage, LIVE from Hollywood, it's the, um, live show!  The twelve potential Danny's and Sandy's are lined up across the stage in a-dorable matching outfits: Leather bomber jackets and jeans for the Danny's, and shiny leggings and tops for the girls.  

Actually, scratch that, the men look adorable, the women all look pregnant. Those shiny lycra leggings are doing almost none of the girls any favors. Also, each finalist has been given a color. This, coupled with the fact that the show will give them each a nickname labeling his or her personality just highlights what NBC thinks of the intelligence of their viewing audience. Based on the quality of product, they're probably right. Except about me. And you. Maybe.  

After the credits, we've got a group number of all the finalists singing "You're the One That I Want." It is entirely uninspiring since we JUST heard this song sung better by professionals during the credit sequence. Also, THOSE PANTS! I would cry if I were on this show and saw a tape of this and could see what I looked like broadcast to tens of hundreds of people across America. What was the costumer thinking? They could have hidden all those girls' paunches with a nice poodle skirt, which really would have been a more suitable costume ANYWAYS since Sandy spends 96% of the show in a poodle skirt, and only changes who she is for the man she loves in the very last scene.  

Basically, this performance looks like a high school production of Grease. For a minute I didn't think Kathleen Marshall had staged this because the choreography was kind of bad. For example, all the staged fighting. Kathleen Marshall, you are no Jerome Robbins and this is certainly no West Side Story . There's a little of the Kiss Me, Kate magic at one point, but mostly this opener is just a showcase of HORRIBLE PANTS ON GIRLS.  

Since all the Danny's and Sandy's are getting nicknames tonight, I only thought it fair to include Billy Bush and Denise Van Outen. Billy Bush shall henceforth be known as Ryan Seacrest and Denise Van Outen shall be known as Cat Deeley. And it is so.  

Ryan Seacrest goes down the checklist of any good talent reality show: Fans, Band, Panel of Judges. "Ta-da!" Says the brass section of said band.  

"But! Pick the wrong Danny and Sandy and the Broadway show could go up in flames." That actually sounds like fun. Thanks for the idea, Ryan Seacrest. Before he introduces us to the panel, Ryan Seacrest reminds us that the judges' reputations are at stake. But really, any TV is good TV to a theater professional.  Though really really, I think it would have been better for everyone involved to have done a spot on Law & Order instead.

Jim Jacobs apparently invented the hanging moon. That sounds dirty. Guest judge: Olivia Newton-John. That's a major guest to be pulling out for the first live show. She should be on the finale. No, John Travolta should totally be on the finale, but that's SOOOO not happening.  

Back story! Derek Keeling, 26, West Virginia. He was a runner. But his senior year he got injured and so did musical theater to fill his time. He's doing this for his dad and swears he won't let us down. Too late.  The best part of these back stories is that they make the contestants tell their hometown peeps they got on the show in front of the cameras. This show totally OWNS these nobodies.