Recap: You're the One That I Want: This Show Could Be System-matic. It Could Be Hydro-Matic, Ultra-matic... - 
by B-Side
Boy did I have a scare tonight! For a moment, I thought American Idol had premiered two weeks early, but it turned out I was merely watching Grease: You're the One That I Want, NBC's latest and probably most successful attempt to rip off that Fox behemoth. We've seen a lot of imitators over the years, but nothing seems to be as much of a blatant copycat job as this show (So You Think You Can Dance gets a pass due to its shared Idol producers).
Now, just because You're the One That I Want is wildly derivative doesn't mean that it's necessarily bad. I actually enjoyed it. First, there's the source material -- Grease -- a musical that's so ingrained in pop culture that people like me who've only seen the movie once or twice still know practically all the songs and characters. Because of this, our ability to be armchair talent scouts is stronger than ever. Second, the concept is pretty neat. Season after season of American Idol, there's always some contestant who stirs up a controversy because his or her voice is too Broadway-ish for the competition. Well, now we don't have to worry about that. Future Clays and Constantines and Justins finally have a home. Plus, we don't have to be embarrassed if we like them (and to set the record straight, I did not like Clay, Constantine, or Justin).
Anyhoo, enough with this handjive of an intro. Let's get to the show!
Off the bat, I thought we were in for a disaster. Why? Because the very first image we saw was none other than the goofy, unwelcomed visage of Sir Billy Bush. UGH. My friend used to work for him, and she had nothing but great things about Bi-Bu (my impromptu nickname for him), but that being said, he's still incredibly annoying. As we later discovered, he spent the entire night trying to out-Seacrest Seacrest. Billy, it's not gonna happen. To paraphrase your gig on Access Hollywood, Lights, Camera, SHUT UP.
Anyway, Billy explained the basic rules of the show, which was that the winners would get to star in a real life Broadway production of Grease, a musical, he said, that made "huge stars of John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John." Well, mostly Travolta. We could tell he was the bigger star because he refused to show his big face on this series. Instead, we had Olivia Newton-John, who not only waxed nostalgic about Grease, but she also proudly displayed her wildly surgically enhanced face (which clearly was enjoying the honeymoon of many a Botox injection). Of course, just in case you weren't sure if Olivia's had some work done, a quick glance at her wattle-like neck revealed all sorts of age-incriminating details -- kind of like the rings of a tree.
Let's get surg-ery, surg-ery. I wanna get surg-ery, let's get into surgery. Let me hear your Botox talk...
We then sat through the opening credits, which featured Dannys and Sandys multiplying at an alarming rate. And in case you were wondering, there was exactly only one black Danny. C'mon, NBC! Broadway's supposed to be color blind! When I saw Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat on a school trip thirteen years ago, one of Joseph's brothers was black, and last time I checked, Michael Damien was as lily white as they come. If Joseph can do it, you can too, NBC! Up with diversity!
After the credits, we found Billy standing with an attractive British woman named Denise Van Outen. She kind of looked exactly like the love child of Portia Di Rossi and Gwyneth Paltrow. And yes, that did make her quite hot. I wasn't sure what her role would be on the show, but I imagine it was to inject a healthy bit of T&A into the proceedings. (For all you wondering, Ms. Van Outen is apparently the hottest thing since bangers and mash over in Britain, at least according to Wikipedia).
Next, it was time to meet the judges. First was Jim Jacobs, the creator of Grease. He had a mustache.
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