Hola Chicos y Chicas--

This may be the last time we meet on Harper's Island as Gasmii and recap artist, but the good folks at CBS have done their damnedest to delay our hasta la vista as long as possible. Last Saturday, July 4, they told us loyal viewers to suck a roman candle and re-ran the first episode in most markets. In others, they broadcast the three-hour 1972 Ben Franklin/Thomas Jefferson musical 1776... and doubled HI's usual rating to a 1.4. As a result, Episodes 12 & 13 are crammed together for a two-hour block in order to absolutely cement the "lamest horror movie of the year" analogy.

Make sure you don't scroll down in advance or you'll spoil all my photo spoilers!

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 6:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

Hello Gasmii--

Tonight's episode is cram-packed with the two things we've come to expect from Harper's Island-- vicious murders and even more diabolical plotholes. It's like they realized how stretched-thin the last two shows were and are making up for that by stepping up the output on both bodies and nonsensical behavior. Plus there's personal growth. But no Purse-Dog. You can't have it all.

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 1:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

To Gasmii It May Concern--

The role of Token Minority will henceforth be known as Braids.

Alright, let's cut to the chase. High Tension (2003) is one the scariest, grab-you-by-the-throat thrillers of the decade. Director Alexandre Aja plays the audience like a baby grand, pulling us into the deceptively simple story of two co-eds on spring break in the French countryside who run afoul of a terrifying psychopathic brute. It's an extreme horror masterpiece that unfolds like the best campfire story you ever heard on a dark, beautiful summer night. Do not Netflix this film if you're squeamish or pussyish. Do not bring this DVD on your vacation to an isolated farmhouse. And do not watch this movie alone. You will definitely be too frightened to turn out your bedroom light. In terms of heart-stopping suspense, seeing this after seeing Harper's Island is like tasting wood-fired Roman pizza after a lifetime of Little Caesar's.

So hand over those coupons and I'll ring you right up.

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 7:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Hi Gasmii--

We're in the Final Five and it looks like they whipped up just enough plot for three. That means cutting the story stash with lots of baby laxative, i.e. mucho scrambling around searching for missing muchachas. And like last week's installment, this one climaxes with a big stunning super-shock that will almost certainly turn out to be nada since it's still too soon to definitively reveal the killer.

So forget about why state police boats and FBI helicopters and the Royal Canadian Mounties have to wait until morning to invade the island and stop the killer(s) from slaying the rest of the cast. Let's just try to get through it. When it's over we can all watch Black Christmas (DVD and Blu-Ray). It's not a Tyler Perry holiday ho-down, and it's not the wretched 2006 remake with Michelle Trachtenberg (not her fault)-- it's the brilliantly chilling original, a 1974 sorority house psycho-thriller with Olivia Hussey, Margot Kidder, Andrea Martin and Nasty Billy, the scariest dangerously unhinged lunatic that side of 1978's Halloween. John Carpenter's masterpiece owes a huge debt to Black Xmas, while When A Stranger Calls (1979) just blatantly ripped it off. But I'm not here to assign blame to anyone. Except of course to the folks who bring us Harper's Island. So here we go....

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 12:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Q: Who, in the opening paragraph of her April 26, 2009, TVgasm blog, mockingly pitched the title "Gurgle" for a future episode of Harper's Island???

A: Your recap artist Leia LaBiblia, por supuesto.

Yes, you could say I foretold this entire episode. In fact, you, Gasmii, send me dozens of e-mails a week saying with talent like mine, I should have been on the Harper's Island writing staff. Before we take a stab at Numero Ocho, let me just respond to that:

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU.

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 3:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Dear Gasmii,

Due to a techno-glitch, the recap for the May 23 episode of Harper's Island was inadvertently deleted from TVgasm last night. So as a public service, I present this basic mini-recap with all the gory pictures. If you have questions, send them to me and I will do my best.

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 3:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Gasmii Gasmii Gasmii!

We're halfway through the season and the rumors and theories are buzzing across the internet. Unfortunately for Harper's Island, most of them have to do with whether Danny Gokey will make an honest woman of his boo Jamar when the Idol tour hits Iowa. I kid because I love... to hate those closeted fruits.

But what I love even more are your recent comments about my humble re-crap. Thank you all for giving a shit! This episode promises less mayhem, bigger plotholes, and all the Filet O'Fish Hunk you can eat. The smart money's on our beloved FH as the dangerously unhinged main murderer, but let's not count out Possible Surprise Psychos Abby, Henry, and yes even Trish. When writers free up their imaginations and dispense with carefully outlined arcs, anything's possible!

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 5:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Dear Gasmii,

Due to a techno-glitch, the recap for the May 23 episode of Harper's Island was inadvertently deleted from TVgasm last night. So as a public service, I present this basic mini-recap with all the gory pictures. If you have questions, send them to me and I will do my best.

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 1:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Hi Gasmii,

Finally, our Harper's Island friends are starting to realize something just ain't right 'round here. Some unlikely pairings, some more ill-advised secret-keeping, even more animal carnage, and a truly depraved new super-couple, one of whom is eleven! That's what you're getting in the 5th episode of this klunky, antiseptic thrill-ride that makes one long for the eccentricity of Twin Peaks and the psychotic trash heaven of Wild Things.

I'm your recap artist, Leia LaBiblia. And this. Is Simpletons' Island!

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 9:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Gasmii Gasmii Gasmii-- Harper's Island may have been banished from CBS's Thursday schedule for cancellation-adjacent Saturday night, but it's still #1 in the demo's of Our Hearts.

Yeah, right.

I, Leia LaBiblia, your recap artist, am starting to feel like one of the two-dimensional human targets on this show. With ratings like this thing's been getting the past two weeks, any recap could be my last. Before we plop right in to this week's nerve-numbing installment, I need to issue a retraction. In a previous column I accused CBS of recklessly ordering thirteen episodes of H. I. without even making a pilot. Turns out they DID make a pilot last year. And then re-shot it as Episode One after replacing half the cast. Because THAT was the problem. It did result in Christopher Gorham and Harry Hamlin joining the show, so I suppose that was a million well-flushed. I know, I know. The sooner I start re-crapping, the sooner people start dying. Here we go...

Posted by Leia LaBiblia at 5:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)