Hello Gasmii--
Tonight's episode is cram-packed with the two things we've come to expect from Harper's Island-- vicious murders and even more diabolical plotholes. It's like they realized how stretched-thin the last two shows were and are making up for that by stepping up the output on both bodies and nonsensical behavior. Plus there's personal growth. But no Purse-Dog. You can't have it all.
Ext. Candlewick, night. In what those in the telenovela biz refer to as "el rollback", they replay the super-ultra-extra-creepy climax from last week's show, namely Abby so traumatized by her dad Grizzled Local Cop's murder by anti-erotic involuntary asphyxiation that she doesn't notice dangerously unhinged ex-spree and current serial killer John Wakefield sneaking up behind her and yanking the rifle from her delicate white hands. "You look just like your mother," he says, and not in a nice way. Although if you remember Abby's mom and that shonda fakakta wig of hers, there is no nice way. In case you forgot:
"Why are you doing this?" Abby whimpers, voicing the frustrations of literally dozens of viewers from coast to coast. "You don't know?" Wakefield snorts. As Abby frantically shakes her head, thinking "If I knew, would I still be on this piss-lickin' Canadian island, jack?" we hear nearby shouts of "Abby! Abby!" and Wakefield darts off like my elementary school's flasher (still at large as far I know). Henry and Braids come running up, shotguns cocked. Don't even tell me they're not gonna believe her. That would almost be as crap-tastic as the writers trying to get us to wonder if Wakefield's all in Abby's head. And then at the end we find out Abby's really "Wakefield". I'm warning you, CBS. If that's what you have in store for us, just pull the plug right this second and play reruns of Without A Trace, because I'd rather watch Enrique Murciano try in vain to muster one believable line reading than have that be the big pay-off.
OK, it isn't. Abby tries to grab a gun and go after Wakefield before he gets away, but Henry holds her back, telling her they'll get the monster, but they have to be smart. No comment! Henry holds Abby tight while she shrieks with helpless rage.
That rectal temperature ain't gonna take itself!
Cannery Bar & Grill. Pierced Tongue nurses a still-unconscious and unfortunately still-clothed Fish Hunk. She says they need to get FH to corpulent coroner Dr Oldfart, but Townie tells her it's not safe. Slutty Blonde Bitch wonders why Wakefield would deliver FH to them. Townie says they're not even sure it's really Wakefield-- "the kid" (meaning Creepy Madison) could be telling "stories" again (meaning pathological lies). In a noble effort to create conflict, Trish snaps to her creepy niece's defense. Townie snaps back that Trish is responsible for sending Abby out into harm's way. Trish's Sister counters by insisting Trish had good reason to think Abby was the one who needed to take care of bidness. TS comforts her moon-faced daughter-- no one blames M for fibbing that GLC was the one who kidnapped her, causing massive, potential deadly confusion. Townie warns Slutty to stay away from the windows. But her fiance Preppy Blonde Snot and Spiky Hair are still out there trying to retrieve a getaway sailboat!
Ext. Harper's Island Clinic. Spiky helps a patched-up Preppy to PT's shitbox car. I guess the network censor decided the scene we've all been waiting a week for, Dr Prepper coaching Spiky through semi-surgical removal of the bullet in Preppy's chest, was just too interesting gruesome for us to see. Spiky fills us in on the off-camera hijinks: Preppy passed out before he could give Spiky any instructions, but Spiky still managed to extract the slug, clean, dress and suture the wound, and not kill Preppy. Spiky is brilliant. But he's forgotten you have to jiggle the key to start the ignition! Apparently the writers forgot this, too, since the car starts right up and they're on their way to snag the sailboat.
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Comments (9)
Yes, I smell the scent of the herring in red sauce, myself. GLC used to not like FH back when he and Abby were younger, but now they were good friends. I think that the rapsheet is from a long time ago. If GLC knew he had been a hoodlum, he wouldn't want him dating his daughter. However, as they got older and he saw that he had matured, he befriended him. I am still on the fence about whether he is Wakefield-spawn, but I don't think he is a helper.
There was a moment when Wakefield was in the Cannery after the Pussy Posse went into the lav. Wakey and Townie were standing there looking at each other and I expected them to start laughing and for Townie to call him dad. Clearly this did not happen.
Also, for the record, I teared up at Dr. Prepper and Slutty. 'Nuf Said.
Thanks for another great recap, LL!
1 of 9 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on June 28, 2009 11:08 AM
wonderfully funny recap! LOVED it! thank you!
as for True Blood funny you mentioned it i just added it to my netflix cue and its at the top of my list - cant wait to start getting the dvds mailed my way!
happy sunday
rebecca
2 of 9 | Posted by Rebecca1968 | Posted on June 28, 2009 1:58 PM
I cried at the end-it was truly touching, wonder what will happen next week
3 of 9 | Posted by yuds101 | Posted on June 28, 2009 2:21 PM
Was anyone else troubled by the fact that Slutty could have escaped if she'd climbed along the fence and crawled up on the other side of the door? I don't think Dr Prepper was worth dying over! But it made a classy, dramatic show-moment and those are tougher to find than a negative word about Michael Jackson this week. That tired thing is moonwalking in hell now. R.I.P. Wacko Jacko "Beat It" still kicks ass!
4 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on June 29, 2009 7:20 AM
Yeah, LL, I thought about that too (Slutty escaping, that is), but then I imagined what I would do if that was my husband. I couldn't just run off the bridge knowing he was going to get knifed. Now, that isn't to say that I would have necessarily jumped, but I don't think I could have abandoned him.
I agree with you: it did give the show one "moment" amongst so much blah.
RIP MJ. You definitely had some "issues" in your life, but it doesn't change that the music was (and is) good.
5 of 9 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on June 29, 2009 8:56 AM
Well, I thought that Preppy Snot might have actually been a foreign exchange student who had lived with the wack Wakefield family in the late 90s. Boy do I feel stupid now!
I don't know how it will end, but I am quite sure it will include purse dog hopping onto the precocious Madison's lap as she stares into space and makes us realize there will be a return to Harpers Island, 2019!
Great recap! You are hysterically funny!
6 of 9 | Posted by mullymoon | Posted on June 29, 2009 11:01 AM
I don't think FISH HUNK is the killer or son of Wakefield. It would be terribly gross to think so.
7 of 9 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on June 29, 2009 2:59 PM
First off, great recap Leia. Serious LOL moments on every page.
So, assuming FH is a red herring, I wondered why he looked at Trish with the evil eye as he tried to take the gun. Maybe he has figured out that Trish is the killer and was trying to get the gun away from here. And his look was one of suspicion and not "I will soon be enjoying your liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."
Of course Trish is the killer only if the writers are trying to do something surprising. The last twist they managed was having the secret killer be a known homicidal maniac--one whom a main character had been accusing since episode 2. So who knows? Maybe they have given up on twists and all the FH foreshadowing in the previews will lead to the "shocking revelation" that he is actually guilty.
I think we can almost guarantee that everyone but Henry, Trish, Abby, and FH will be dead before the finale is over. With the exception of Madison, who can't die on network TV.
8 of 9 | Posted by WiseOwl | Posted on June 29, 2009 7:50 PM
I can't believe no one has mentioned the cheesy ripoff of Last of the Mohicans when Blondie dropped off into the water.
9 of 9 | Posted by RugDoctor9 | Posted on July 7, 2009 5:04 AM