GLC's attic. Trish and Slutty are in a lather about what the bell could mean. Henry! Preppy! Rescue! They'll take guns and check out while TS and Madison wait. Junior Leaguer TS isn't too keen on hiding in some attic like common Jews but Trish convinces her she and Slutty have to check it out.
Ext. Harper's Island churchyard. Scooby and The gang meet up in front of the church. Henry and Trish exchange hugs. Trish politely asks about Townie when she knows damn well he's dead thanks to her one-woman Chick Power Outage. Abby is alarmed to learn FH didn't leave with Pussy Posse. The bells have mysteriously stopped ringing. And Abby's gonna find out why, dammit!
Int. church. It's dark and deserted. Abby wants to check the belfry. But first Braids wants to light a candle and pray. Your recap artist is Puerto Rican and even I wouldn't be that Catholic. Trish shines her flashlight on yellow police tape around the chandelier that head-spaded her dad, the late Beef Wellington. She gets choked up but will be okay, thanks, Henry. H tells her GLC is dead and T offers condolences to A. Oh, and sorry for being a hysterical reactionary twat. Abby forgives her and they're about to share a warm moment when, thank Christ, they're interrupted by Slutty's bloodcurdling shriek. A Deputy with a slashed throat is parked in a pew. No biggie.
What a terrible waste. There's nothing on this island even remotely worth looting!
Suddenly, tires squeal and headlights flash outside, scaring the shit out of everyone. As they focus guns and attention on the door, they fail to see Wakefield is a few feet away in the darkness. Spiky and Preppy enter to everyone's relief. Except Slutty, who's suddenly missing. "Sluuuuuuutty!" Preppy yells. Get used to that, Gasmii.
Back from commercial. It's suddenly morning. Everyone's freaking out about still-vanished Slutty, especially her ornery hobbit fiance. Suddenly, Daphne Trish has it-- Wakefield snatched Slutty and took her into a tunnel under the church, it's right here on this blueprint! Banging and clanging from the other side of the church. Rifles up! The door opens-- it's Fish Hunk, a little pale and grimy but still beautiful.
As Abby embraces him, FH whispers that he saw Townie eat it. Henry asks how FH got out. He claims he woke up, saw PT and Townie and hobbled out to find help in town. But it's empty. He heard the church bells and came here. FH asks how he got to the Cannery. The last thing he remembers was Townie yelling something to him at the docks. Wakefield brought you, Trish says. Abby confirms that the notorious spree killer is alive. FH: Then why didn't he kill me? Um, cuz you're his fuckable first-born, no one replies.
Wanna do The Amazing Race together?
Preppy calls them over to a trapdoor leading down into a tunnel which they better not be about to spend the rest of this episode in. Consulting the blueprints, they quickly ascertain there are three entrances to the network of recycled sets subterranean tunnels: church, Candlewick, storm drain. There's also a mystery tunnel branching out to an unmarked destination... It seems like only yesterday Frank and Joe were embarking on their last adventure, Danger On Vampire Trail. Where were we? Oh, yeah. Henry issues commands. Trish and Fish Hunk, take PT's car and block off the storm drain entrance. PT won't mind, she's dead. (And it'll be especially convenient if FH turns out to be Wakefield's dangerously unhinged co-conspirator/chip off the psycho block and needs to take a lead character hostage.) Spiky and Braids, go to the Candlewick and seal off the tunnel there. Bosomy Redhead Hotel Manager won't mind, she's dead. Henry, Abby and Preppy will hit the tunnel and find Slutty.
Ext. Storm Drain. Wakefield deposits a terrified Slutty in an open-air storm-grate prison cell. Why are you doing this to us?! she shrieks. We didn't do anything to you! Leering down at her through the grate at the top, the bloodthirsty butcher snarls, I almost died for a woman like you. Mr. Wakefield, you really MUST stop comparing our series-regular starlets to Abby's woefully wigged mom. These girls already have self-esteem issues. Slutty feistily growls that her friends are gonna find her and then kill Wakefield! Which is kind of asking for it, if you want my opinion. To show her who's boss, Wakefield taunts her by jabbing his giant blade through the grate then leaves.
You are so mega-lucky I can't Tweet right now, Mister, 'cuz it would be BRUTAL!
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Comments (9)
Yes, I smell the scent of the herring in red sauce, myself. GLC used to not like FH back when he and Abby were younger, but now they were good friends. I think that the rapsheet is from a long time ago. If GLC knew he had been a hoodlum, he wouldn't want him dating his daughter. However, as they got older and he saw that he had matured, he befriended him. I am still on the fence about whether he is Wakefield-spawn, but I don't think he is a helper.
There was a moment when Wakefield was in the Cannery after the Pussy Posse went into the lav. Wakey and Townie were standing there looking at each other and I expected them to start laughing and for Townie to call him dad. Clearly this did not happen.
Also, for the record, I teared up at Dr. Prepper and Slutty. 'Nuf Said.
Thanks for another great recap, LL!
1 of 9 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on June 28, 2009 11:08 AM
wonderfully funny recap! LOVED it! thank you!
as for True Blood funny you mentioned it i just added it to my netflix cue and its at the top of my list - cant wait to start getting the dvds mailed my way!
happy sunday
rebecca
2 of 9 | Posted by Rebecca1968 | Posted on June 28, 2009 1:58 PM
I cried at the end-it was truly touching, wonder what will happen next week
3 of 9 | Posted by yuds101 | Posted on June 28, 2009 2:21 PM
Was anyone else troubled by the fact that Slutty could have escaped if she'd climbed along the fence and crawled up on the other side of the door? I don't think Dr Prepper was worth dying over! But it made a classy, dramatic show-moment and those are tougher to find than a negative word about Michael Jackson this week. That tired thing is moonwalking in hell now. R.I.P. Wacko Jacko "Beat It" still kicks ass!
4 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on June 29, 2009 7:20 AM
Yeah, LL, I thought about that too (Slutty escaping, that is), but then I imagined what I would do if that was my husband. I couldn't just run off the bridge knowing he was going to get knifed. Now, that isn't to say that I would have necessarily jumped, but I don't think I could have abandoned him.
I agree with you: it did give the show one "moment" amongst so much blah.
RIP MJ. You definitely had some "issues" in your life, but it doesn't change that the music was (and is) good.
5 of 9 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on June 29, 2009 8:56 AM
Well, I thought that Preppy Snot might have actually been a foreign exchange student who had lived with the wack Wakefield family in the late 90s. Boy do I feel stupid now!
I don't know how it will end, but I am quite sure it will include purse dog hopping onto the precocious Madison's lap as she stares into space and makes us realize there will be a return to Harpers Island, 2019!
Great recap! You are hysterically funny!
6 of 9 | Posted by mullymoon | Posted on June 29, 2009 11:01 AM
I don't think FISH HUNK is the killer or son of Wakefield. It would be terribly gross to think so.
7 of 9 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on June 29, 2009 2:59 PM
First off, great recap Leia. Serious LOL moments on every page.
So, assuming FH is a red herring, I wondered why he looked at Trish with the evil eye as he tried to take the gun. Maybe he has figured out that Trish is the killer and was trying to get the gun away from here. And his look was one of suspicion and not "I will soon be enjoying your liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."
Of course Trish is the killer only if the writers are trying to do something surprising. The last twist they managed was having the secret killer be a known homicidal maniac--one whom a main character had been accusing since episode 2. So who knows? Maybe they have given up on twists and all the FH foreshadowing in the previews will lead to the "shocking revelation" that he is actually guilty.
I think we can almost guarantee that everyone but Henry, Trish, Abby, and FH will be dead before the finale is over. With the exception of Madison, who can't die on network TV.
8 of 9 | Posted by WiseOwl | Posted on June 29, 2009 7:50 PM
I can't believe no one has mentioned the cheesy ripoff of Last of the Mohicans when Blondie dropped off into the water.
9 of 9 | Posted by RugDoctor9 | Posted on July 7, 2009 5:04 AM