Hola Chicos y Chicas--
This may be the last time we meet on Harper's Island as Gasmii and recap artist, but the good folks at CBS have done their damnedest to delay our hasta la vista as long as possible. Last Saturday, July 4, they told us loyal viewers to suck a roman candle and re-ran the first episode in most markets. In others, they broadcast the three-hour 1972 Ben Franklin/Thomas Jefferson musical 1776... and doubled HI's usual rating to a 1.4. As a result, Episodes 12 & 13 are crammed together for a two-hour block in order to absolutely cement the "lamest horror movie of the year" analogy.
Make sure you don't scroll down in advance or you'll spoil all my photo spoilers!
Ext. Massacre Woods, day. Wakefield and Henry & Abby play cat and mouse in the forest. The kids worry that the sadistic super-maniac may try to finish off the members of the gang still stumbling through the network of underground tunnels.
Cut to Braids and Spiky Hair on shotgun patrol in a particularly nicely atmospheric section of misty, eerie woods. Spiky gets the idiot ball rolling fast by suggesting they'd cover more ground by splitting up. To his credit, Braids thinks this is some wack bullshit. It seems like neither of them even remember who or what they're looking for, and that makes three of us.
Island road. Pierced Tongue's car is still parked on the storm grate cover, but as Trish wakes up, Fish Hunk is now gone. So is the rifle. If FH is indeed dangerously unhinged, he missed out on a perfectly good opportunity to get rid of the most annoying survivor with a driver's license, feeding into my theory that FH is no killer. But they'll definitely be trying to milk as much suspense out of The Sexiest Man Still Alive, proven by an immediate scare as FH pops up beside Trish's window.
Does this look infected to you?
He tells her there's a freighter a quarter-mile out to sea which he spotted from the bluffs. Wait a minute, he left her there alone? Wait a minute, you left me here alone, Trish squawks. He doesn't reply and instead tells her they'll use the flares he found in the car to signal the ship. The car is blocking the storm grate, let's go.
Cut to Braids, alone in the woods, being stalked by Wakefield and his giant double-edged blade. Just as Wakefield is about to inject some diversity into his kill-resume, Spiky pops up and fires at the homicidal hellraiser. It was a trap to flush the fiend out! Wakefield grabs his face and hits the dirt. Abby and Henry run up, guns drawn. It looks like the bullet or buckshot or whatever grazed or peppered the slasher above his right ear. Spiky invites Abby to do the honors and blow the bloodthirsty bastard away. Wakefield sneeringly raises his arms in surrender. Abby aims at his head, then.... bashes him in the face with the gun butt. Name that Garbage song! That's right: "Moronic Bitch". (It was a B-side.) MAIN TITLES
I can always get a new ear but you douchebags are gonna die stupid.
Spiky incredulously demands to know why they're not finishing the job. Despite the fact that Wakefield is a near-superhuman monster who's murdered most everyone they know, Braids, Henry and Abby are fine with waiting for the proper authorities to take him into custody for a fair trial. They'll tie him up and wait for the cops. Spiky's objections are duly noted.
Cut to FH and Trish at the bluffs. Hmmm. There's no sign of any ship. How could it have passed so fast? Beats me, FH, the one with the gun, says, eyeing Trish rather strangely as she inches closer to the edge of the cliff.
Cut to Wakefield and the gang. Spiky and Braids bind him with belts. In my opinion, this will hardly subdue a strapping spree killer. They should at least reinforce things with every garment FH has on. Henry applauds Abby's responsible decision to let Wakefield live. But she's having doubts. He did dispatch both of her parents and Abby's own father told her to off him. Spiky grumbles to Braids that it's Abby's dad Grizzled Local Cop's fault for not icing Wakefield when he had the chance.
And we're only letting you out one hour a day for exercise!
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Comments (18)
What, it's over?!
Worst motivation for becoming a serial killer ever: I grew up in a boring place with boring parents. We should all have become serial killers if that's all it takes.
Sigh, indeed. I'll miss your outstanding recaps, Leia. Hope they give you another really awful show so I can read about it.
1 of 18 | Posted by ellenorah | Posted on July 13, 2009 7:48 AM
As crap as this show was, I was still interested. I still wanted to see how it ended. Does that mean that the show wasn't quite as crap as we say? Or that I am crap? :p
Thanks for a great season, LL!
2 of 18 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on July 13, 2009 8:43 AM
Thank you both so very much! As I sit here decompressing from that humongo recap, other plotholes keep bubbling up in my brain. They could possibly cause multiple aneurysms.
Why would FH leave Trish alone in the car?! They needed red herring behavior and hoped we'd forget by the ridonkulous climax! I resent their treatment of our fave Island stud, don't you?
And why did Henry & Pops have to kill random guests like Soror-Whore (never discovered)? All of this just to get Abby back to the island? I'm sure the writers were counting on no one being masochistic enough to go back and watch the whole series knowing who the killers were to see if it made sense! WILD THINGS similarly fails that test, but at least that's deliciously entertaining.
HI didn't even have the balls to be good trash!
xoxo
LLB
3 of 18 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on July 13, 2009 9:05 AM
Who was the one dude in the film at the end that said Henry & Trish made a great couple? I couldn't figure it out.
4 of 18 | Posted by qupert | Posted on July 13, 2009 9:25 AM
Excellent recap as usual Leia. I honestly don't think I would have enjoyed HI as much if hadn't had your recaps to look forward to.
If you are looking for plot holes:
-- Wakefield has blue eyes. Abby's (and Henry's) mom had blue eyes. Yet Henry has brown eyes. Unless of course mom was sporting some heinous colored contacts to go with that wig, that's ain't possible.
-- Goth Guy was skewered on the docks by Henry we now know. When it comes time for his final words, he says "It's all about you Abby." Not, "Henry is Wakefield's son, your incestuous half-brother, and he just gutted me."
-- Trish spent some time sleeping in a car and then falling off a cliff. When she is rescued and returns to the boat house with the others, the first thing she says is "We can relax, Wakefield is in jail." Only there would be no way she would know that, as Wakefield was shot and locked up while she and FishHunk were spending a night in the backseat of that car, making all of Leia's dreams come true--er I mean planting red herrings left and right.
There are more plot holes but I'm not sure the writers deserve more analysis. It would almost be fun to watch the whole thing again just to see how many mistakes were made. Almost.
5 of 18 | Posted by WiseOwl | Posted on July 13, 2009 9:37 AM
YES YES! All I wanted was for our beloved Fish Hunk to live, Leia.
I will truly miss your recaps.:( Throughout the series I've wondered who the fuck Danny and Malcom were as I constantly referred to them as Fat PArty Animal and Braids.
6 of 18 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on July 13, 2009 9:59 AM
"And Fish Hunk, if you're reading this: I will blow you. And so will Ellenorah and Kissmymanolos.)"
!!!!
Yes, we will. I wish FH and Abby would have got it on while they were on the boat as a victory celebration.
And whatever happened to Purse Dog? They just left him there completely alone.
Chris was great in the last episode, playing an unhinged Henry. However, Spiky put it nicely when he said the kid should just grow a set instead of whining that he got to share dinners with Goth Guy.
7 of 18 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on July 13, 2009 12:03 PM
Qubert--
I think you are referring to Hot Nerd, the most obscure of the wedding party to speak on the tape. He shot himself in the leg while arguing with FPA over the $250k and was buried in the woods. Wow, that whole bag o'cash thing was so clumsily wedged in, huh?
LLB
8 of 18 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on July 13, 2009 3:03 PM
Thank you thank you thank you! for this recap! as usual i set my dvr to tape and as usuall Dishnetwork F'd UP! kept on saying "lost signal" and i would have missed MANY pertenant (sp?) things if not for your awesome recap! so as I watched tonight i read along and could follow! you are awesome!
p.s. as a poster said in the forums - how could two blue eyed parents have a brown eyed kid? hmmm
and Is madison the next killer? hmmm
xo
rebecca
9 of 18 | Posted by Rebecca1968 | Posted on July 13, 2009 5:43 PM
OK finished watching! and YES what happened to purse dog? that would have been awesome to see the dog on the boat!
and What did the poem say?
10 of 18 | Posted by Rebecca1968 | Posted on July 13, 2009 6:21 PM
p.s. as a poster said in the forums - how could two blue eyed parents have a brown eyed kid? hmmm
---
It's possible to have a brown eyed son.
11 of 18 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on July 13, 2009 6:51 PM
> It's possible to have a brown eyed son.
Actually it isn't. The other way around is possible. Brown is dominate, so brown eyed people can have a hidden blue gene. But blue eyed people must have two blue genes--they can only pass blue to their children. If they had a hidden brown gene, they would have brown eyes.
A minor point for a silly show, but isn't that what we do on the internets? :)
12 of 18 | Posted by WiseOwl | Posted on July 13, 2009 10:11 PM
As crap as it was, this show was so entertaining!
Snootchy Bootches: More along the lines of, this show was such crap, you had to follow because you can't believe someone was paid to write this sort of crap up. Brilliant plot device to keep us hooked, eh?
Wiseowl: Hate to disagree, but blue-eyed parents can have a brown-eyed child. It's down to the OCA2 gene on the 15th chromosome. If the gene isn't "read" properly when the parents' DNA is being replicated, then the child can end up with blue eyes. Admittedly, an exception to the rule, but it has happened. :)
13 of 18 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on July 14, 2009 6:35 AM
P.S.: I will miss Spiky. His hair pointed forever upward until the bitter end. That's some quality hair gel.
P.P.S.: Sorry to sound like a genetic know-it-all. Been reading up on it for a family tree thing I'm doing with my dad, otherwise, I would have stuck with the Mendel charts from my Anthro classes, too. :)
14 of 18 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on July 14, 2009 6:41 AM
Wow, I had always remembered my eye color genetics from grade school and didn't realize the wonderful public school system was dead wrong.
Thanks for the tip--some interesting articles about eye color genetics out there once you start looking.
Wait..does this mean I learned something as a result of watching Harper's Island? I think I need to go lie down...
15 of 18 | Posted by WiseOwl | Posted on July 14, 2009 7:30 AM
WiseOwl: LOL, say it isn't so.
16 of 18 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on July 14, 2009 8:12 AM
Jokes aside, as lame as many parts of the show were, I was there to the end, and I was actually very pleased by the last 1 1/2 episodes. The twist with Henry being his son/accomplice completely caught me off guard and how he played the psychopath was excellent.
I liken this experience eating a bowl of dog food because there's a cookie at the bottom.
Hmmm...er...maybe I should strike that last sentence.
17 of 18 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on July 14, 2009 9:16 AM
Amen to Wise Owl! I thought the same thing about Goth Guy--way to waste your final breath. What a moron.
I am a little sad that the show is over. As much as I hated the network for subjecting me to this, everyone involved in the show, and myself for not being able to stop watching, it was a wonderful piece of crappy television. Thanks for making it even more fun, Leia!
18 of 18 | Posted by lickitysplit | Posted on July 17, 2009 10:33 AM