Gasmi, I'm back, and that means it's time to plunge into the dark enchanted forest of Harper's Island, that eerie place "37 miles off the coast of Seattle" (just over the Vancouver city limits I have a feeling), for another terrifying hour of psycho-killer bull-pshit. We're about to be 1/13th closer to solving this mystery. No, not how CBS was bamboozled into making and airing thirteen of these things when dozens of superior pilots get tossed in the garbage before anyone so much as yells "Action!" That's one mystery that will never be solved.
Now let me knock back my Appalachian speedball (a 20 oz. Mountain Dew and four Xanax) and we'll plunge right in!
We open in Abby's room at the Candlewick Inn. She wakes up in her red cocktail dress, having been so paralyzed with fright at seeing the news clipping about the massacre her mom died in stuck to her mirror that she apparently passed out fully dressed. Or maybe she didn't mix her Appalachian speedball correctly and nodded off. I'm a recap artist, not a psychic. Abby was in fact so scarified she propped a chair under her hotel room door!
Cut to Harper's Island woodland trail. Abby jogs through the misty dawn, obviously not too concerned with anyone trying to kill her now, since she's JOGGING THROUGH THE SAME MISTY DESERTED WOODS HER MOTHER WAS MASSACRED IN. Oh, my bad. The woods aren't deserted. She sees a doe frolicking in a glade. Lovely, but from the look of stunned rapture on Abby's face you'd think it was a goddamned unicorn! And she grew up on the island. Where her mother was massacred IN THESE VERY WOODS.
Wait, I've seen one of these things in a book. It's an elephant, right?
Cut to Picturesque Isolated Island Locale. Trish pensively awaits the arrival of her studly stubbly former flame Hunter Jennings. Putting the ex in exposition, these two provide us the following information: Hunter had his chance. Three years ago she was his, now she wants him to go. They don't want a repeat of what happened in college, do they? Hunter's not worried about her fiance Henry. Clearly.
Cut to Forest Glade. As the doe nibbles on some moss, taking Abby's breath away, a bloody hand clamps over her mouth! It's her former flame Fish Hunk! "This will only take a second," he murmurs, obviously not about to attempt acquaintance-rape. Abby was so taken with the deer she somehow didn't see Fish Hunk and his bonehead pal Townie standing a few feet away from her with a big bow and arrow, which Townie has aimed squarely at Bambi's heart. Abby stomps Fish Hunk's foot, and his grunt scares the deer away. Yay! I don't mind watching a whole isle-full of pretty tards get slaughtered, but when you start bringing innocent woodland critters into the mix, we here at TVGasm draw the line.
The boys explain that deer are overrunning the island and if they don't kill the weak ones, they'll starve come winter. Whatever, douchebags. Townie brusquely cautions Fish Hunk that Abby left him once, she'll do it again. I think that would require Abby and Fish Hunk to actually become a couple again, but Abby doesn't correct this. She says they can kill all the animals they want, but SHE doesn't need to see anymore blood on this island. She jogs away.
Cut to Harper's Island Maritime Museum. Abby's dad, Grizzled Local Cop, peers through a borken windowpane. There's been a break-in. The only thing missing is something called a hand-spade, which someone filched from a whaling bulletin board display. It looks to be just right for gouging someone's head off!
Cut to woods. Fish Hunk and Townie head down the path, their nice morning of bloodsport ruined by Abby's meddlesome cardio. The fact that Abby is a writer in L.A. is wedged in. She really ought to try pitching pilots at CBS because it obviously ain't brain surgery. Townie and Fish Hunk stop short at a grisly sight: a deer they've already shot has had its throat torn out and is splayed out on the hood of their pick-up, "PSYCHO" written in blood on the windshield. D'OH! As the guys start to quiver in their man-panties, a sinister dark figure watches them from behind some trees.
Paid for by Palin For President 2012
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Comments (8)
Another great Awkward Exposition Island recap! I can't get anybody to watch this show with me (no way, right?), so I'm especially glad to get to read your fun take on the show.
1 of 8 | Posted by ellenorah | Posted on April 19, 2009 7:34 AM
thanks for the recap!
i tried to like this show,but i hate shows that make you jump. thanks for keeping me caught up on who's killed off
2 of 8 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on April 19, 2009 1:49 PM
Hi, it's your best friend, Leia LaBiblia!
Ellenora, thanks for the love. Make sure you enter my sweepstakes to guess who the killer (or killers!) is/are/am.
The prize is a box of Rite-Aid brand nicotine gum.
TVFreak-- The only place this supremely unscary thing is gonna make you jump is out a high window.
LLB
3 of 8 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on April 19, 2009 8:12 PM
These recaps are golden, Leia.
I simply watch these type of shows just because someone here in recapping them.
Also, I wish Fish Hunk loses his shirt, literally. They sure grow em well in Texas.
4 of 8 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on April 20, 2009 8:51 AM
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for the great recap!! Being Canadian, full episodes online are considered "outside of the allowed geographical area" (for some stupid reason), so they won't let me watch episodes that i miss! Grrr.
But this makes the boo-boo all better now, thank you! I stupidly missed the second episode, and now i feel as if i've seen it!
*Hugs to you!* Amberjoon
5 of 8 | Posted by amberjoon | Posted on April 20, 2009 1:18 PM
Dear Kissmy: Thanks for the "grow 'em well" comment, but I am from Puerto Rico, not Texas.
Dear Amber: So glad I could help. Although I must say NOT watching the show demonstrates the opposite of stupidity.
Dear Harper's Island Gasmi: I am proposing our own nominations for being killed off the Island. The top 3 most annoying characters of the previous week. Here are mine:
1. TRISH For Christ's sake, stop all the whining and fuck Hunter Jennings already! If you come more than three times, call off the wedding.
2. PREPPY BLONDE SNOT They really teased us last week leaving him dangling in the woods and now he REALLY must die. How about at Henry's bachelor party during a lap-dance? Preppy is spewing forth Hugh Grant-esqie witticisms then a huge arrow comes hurtling through Merlotte's window and spikes him AND the stripper right through their heads.
3. GOTH GUY Why is he the only male we get to see topless?! He's doughy, whiny, and with all his psychotropic prescriptions, working knowledge of deer guts, and death-metal body-art, he's clearly NOT the killer. Enough with him.
Feel free to make your own picks. But remember, TVGasm is for entertainment purposes only. PLEASE-- NO WAGERING.
LLB
6 of 8 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on April 20, 2009 8:25 PM
LLB--Excellent recap! You make this show worth watching and that is quite a feat.
My picks:
1) Purse-dog (hey, I know how my dog gets without treats---she could totally kill)
2) and 3) are a tie: The "brother" of either head-on-hood or head-in-tub. They don't call them "wild" animals for anything...
7 of 8 | Posted by bluzgirl | Posted on April 21, 2009 11:15 AM
Bluzgirl--
Are you saying every HUMAN on the show is too stupid to pull off these incredibly elaborate serial killings?
Good call. I have a feeling for that very reason there will be more than one murderer. That, and the writers watched SCREAM a few hours before the final script was due.
LLB
8 of 8 | Posted by leia la biblia | Posted on April 23, 2009 2:56 AM