Sure he could just turn on the other lights, but it's much SKURRIER this way!
Dearest Gasmii-- Sorry to be an uppity, proud-ass beeyotch, but I think I've cracked the super-secret code used by CBS to title each episode of our terror-riffic new fave show! The first one ended with Uncle Harry getting chopped in half and was called "Whap". Then, last week's show, "Crackle" climaxed with Soror-Whore being burned alive. Today's episode-- "Ka-Blam"... I am guessing the final death will include dynamite. Or maybe a cigarette lighter and a Dutch Oven. Anyway, big ups to onomatopoeia! We look forward to "Thud", "Gurgle" and "Crickets".
We open at the Candlewick Inn swimming pool. As Abby does a serene back-float, the camera discreetly inspects her pale but serviceable bod for any stray pubes. She's clean. Some new chick named Beth says hi to Abby from the side of the pool. Reconnecting with Abby should be best be done via Facebook, as Goth Girl proved last week. Before we can ponder this, suddenly we're in the middle of a flavored malt beverage commercial, as the Bro Posse cannonballs into the pool around Abby.
Fun ahoy!
Henry's father-in-law-to-be Beef Wellington and Mrs. BW sip champagne from loungers. Henry speaks to the ginger-haired Ivy League Extra from the scavenger hunt, who's actually no extra, he's the husband of bride Trish's Uptight Sister and the father of Creepy Young Madison, the insect-torturer. Henry wants to know how Ginger survives in the "velvet straitjacket" of the Wellington family. Ginger pensively sips his tea-cup and says he's got a great job, plenty of scratch and a happy wife and kid. But what about Ginger? Henry asks. How does he cope? Ginger says he finds a way. Like knocking off guests at a destination wedding perhaps??!
Cut to Candlewick grounds. Beef Wellington skeet-shoots. Henry indicates to Trish he may be up for challenging BW. Trish's Sister notices Madison yanking blossoms from a nearby flower bed. Maddy says she's practicing being a flower girl. Paging Dr Jenny McCarthy!
An Inn employee (this one's totally an extra, at least until they need to pad the victim list) hands Henry a message slip. Henry, in skeet-goggles, fondling his rifle, looks vaguely disturbed. Trish asks him if he has his toast written for tonight. Trish starts dictating Henry's thank-you's, starting with Daddy, of course. But BW interrupts, telling Henry it's time to start shooting. Henry's pretty handy with the gun, but he loses the game to super-smug BW. Trish says Henry did great and gives him a hug. We don't get to see Henry's expression, but the smart money's on "vaguely disturbed".
Cut to Harper's Island Medical Clinic & Dental Center. Abby's dad, Grizzled Local Cop, and the elderly coroner look at Goth Girl's pasty corpse. Dr Oldfart says he delivered Goth Girl. He hates "to see them go while I'm still here", which is pretty much the job description for medical examiner. We see Goth Girl's secret tattoos-- one says "John Wakefield John Wakefield come back for me" and the the other is an elaborate depiction of the Death Tree where Goth Girl's and Abby's moms were massacred. Why would she put this on her body, after what Wakefield did to her mother? the doctor groans. I'm a recap artist, not a forensic pathologist, but I believe the correct diagnosis is "crazier than a shit-house rat". GLC says he wants to make sure Goth Girl did indeed die from hanging. The doctor pries open Goth Girl's lids and her EYEBALLS ARE ALL RED! Main Titles.
If Goth Girl wasn't dead right now, she'd be SOOO into this look.
Dr Oldfart extracts some eyeball fluid from Goth Girl. The eyeball hemorrhaging is normal for a death by hanging, but this seems "excessive". There's also flesh under her fingernails and evidence that she had sex within the last 24 hours. GLC wants to know if it was consensual rough Goth Sex, or not. Dr Oldfart shudders at the thought of not.
Cut to Candlewick Pool. Abby and the Bro Posse slurp mimosas and talk about Slutty Blonde Bitch and Preppy Blonde Snot, who've just shown up. Slutty wears a purple bikini, Preppy is fully dressed, including a sweater-vest. Dreadlocks says he heard them going at it all night. Spiky Haired Guy can't understand what Slutty sees in Preppy. Abby says Preppy's "nice". Spiky swims over and apologizes again for leaving Preppy "hanging... totally my bad". Preppy refuses to dignify this with a response and continues to petulantly oil Slutty's back.
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Comments (5)
I love how every time somebody mentions John Wakefield, the other person has to remind us "John Wakefield's dead." Oh, right!
Okay, my guess is that the bride's sister's little girl is John Wakefield's daughter. (How old is she? Eight?) Her mom is into the rough stuff, like she used to have with Wakefield. Her husband is the killer because he's jealous that he can never really get her going like the serial killer could, or because it gets her revved up.
Oh, who knows. Despite all the exposition, we never get any real, helpful backstory.
Can't wait for next week. Thanks for the laughs.
1 of 5 | Posted by ellenorah | Posted on April 27, 2009 6:43 AM
The first thing I noticed after watching this episode was THE ABSENCE OF FISH HUNK! Two weeks without fish hunk has been painful. He better lose his shirt this week, literally.
2 of 5 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on April 27, 2009 12:04 PM
Ellenorah: Thank you, darling! I love you beyond measure. Kissmy manolos: Yes, Fish Hunk was sorely missed. I am hoping Ep 4 Abby will finally get the sex she's been missing and we get to see FH in his tightie-whities.
But you've confused Mrs BW with Trish's Sister... quite understandable since they look exactly alike. Mrs BW, not Trish's Sis/Madison's Mom, is the one into getting whipped by Ginger. So you'll have to revise your prediction. Although why we should be paying more attention to things than the writers and producers is a mystery none of us can hope to solve.
Anyway, next week you can look forward to much better screengrabs and captions when I search for downloads without that fucking apostrophe.
God Bless You,
LLB
3 of 5 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on April 27, 2009 6:22 PM
Aw crap. Shows how well I'm paying attention! I can't tell any of the blonde girls apart either, or really understand why anybody does anything.
Will promise to focus next week. :)
4 of 5 | Posted by ellenorah | Posted on April 28, 2009 5:20 AM
ELLENORAH: I have already spanked you in my mind.
Do we know or care why BW has such a young wife? Is she Trish's stepmother??? Since implausibly youthful parents were made de rigueur by THE O.C and GOSSIP GIRL (yes, you, Rufus), who knows if BW snagging a trophy bride into belt-play will even be addressed.
Anyone up for Top 3 Most Annoying Future Victims?
1. FAT PARTY ANIMAL
2. TRISH
3. SLUTTY BLONDE BITCH. If she's really on the one-wang wagon, and the wang in question belongs to Preppy, she's become as interesting and useful as, well, Diablo Cody on 90210.
5 of 5 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on April 28, 2009 6:58 PM