Gasmii Gasmii Gasmii-- Harper's Island may have been banished from CBS's Thursday schedule for cancellation-adjacent Saturday night, but it's still #1 in the demo's of Our Hearts.
Yeah, right.
I, Leia LaBiblia, your recap artist, am starting to feel like one of the two-dimensional human targets on this show. With ratings like this thing's been getting the past two weeks, any recap could be my last. Before we plop right in to this week's nerve-numbing installment, I need to issue a retraction. In a previous column I accused CBS of recklessly ordering thirteen episodes of H. I. without even making a pilot. Turns out they DID make a pilot last year. And then re-shot it as Episode One after replacing half the cast. Because THAT was the problem. It did result in Christopher Gorham and Harry Hamlin joining the show, so I suppose that was a million well-flushed. I know, I know. The sooner I start re-crapping, the sooner people start dying. Here we go...
Candlewick Inn, day. Trish's Sister and her extra-chromosomal daughter Creepy Madison meet with Psychic Lady about tonight's bachelorette party, which will include "auras, tea leaves, things like that". Where is Trish's Sis getting her ideas, O Magazine? Everyone knows when you summon your gal-pals to a remote, almost-definitely Canadian island/massacre site, the kind of partying they want to do involves making out with semi-nude lap-dancing studs. And Fish Hunk happens to be available-- I saw him in the previews.
You actually make a living from this horse-shit?!
TS gives Psychic Lady a list of birthdates for whore-o-scope readings, and admits to slipping in some cheat-details about the guests in case the spirits need any help. PL flashes a tight smile that says "To hell with you and your skeptical mainland ways" and tells TS that she won't need any help. Fuck you very much. TS tells Creepy Madison to stop playing with the tarot cards, but PL doesn't mind. "Your daughter has a very lively spirit." Yeah, so did Corky on Life Goes On. Madison points to the Tower card and asks if it means "someone is going to die". Instead of telling the brat to quit horning in on her New Age baloney racket, PL looks vaguely disturbed.
Cut to Merlotte's The Cannery. Pierced Tongue Waitress is handing over her super-secret Crab Bowl recipe to Abby, who needs a wedding present for Henry and his millionaire bride Trish. Perhaps sensing that the impending marriage has about as much chance of surviving as Pierced Tongue, Abby has blown off pricey registries and created a scrapbook celebrating the newlyweds' relationship. O Magazine strikes again. PT suggests she blow off the bachelorette party tonight and come back here where PT will be bar-tending Henry's bachelor party. Fish Hunk enters and makes a joke about having crabs, which is hilarious because he is carrying a box of actual crabs. Get it?
Thank God you're here.
Candlewick, honeymoon suite. Henry emerges from the bathroom to find Trish standing in the middle of the room naked. Is this her way of telling him to have fun at his bachelor party later today? Trish plays coy. Henry mounts her.
Ext. Candlewick. Madison asks TS if spirits are real. Because Madison thinks the sprits are telling Psychic Lady bad things. TS pooh-poohs her, but we see Madison still has the tower card. Klepto.
Int. Candlewick. PL studies the list TS gave her of all the gals' b-days. The only item of note is that TS is nine days older than her stepmother, Mrs. Beef Wellington. Eeeuw. Suddenly, a drop of blood splats onto Abby's name. PL has a nosebleed. How vaguely disturbing! Main Titles.
Rusty pipes?
Ext. Cannery. Abby and Fish Hunk exit. Abby is hitching a ride with FH. FH wants Abby to have a good time on the island, despite Goth Girl's "suicide" and her run-ins with the dangerously unhinged Townie. Chipper to the end, Abby says if FH wants her to have fun, he'll let her drive.
Candlewick verandah. The Bro Posse: Spiky Haired Guy, Dreadlocked Guy and Hot Nerd discuss the, yes, bachelor party. There will be a local-girl stripper. Henry walks up. Spiky has a gift for him, a box of bait. They've rented a boat and are taking Henry on an all-fishing bachelor party. But first, some character development. Fat Party Animal has a "pitch" meeting with Henry's future father-in-law Beef Wellington. And everyone hopes Hot Nerd won't get seasick. Who will be attending this floating frat bash? Just the groomsmen and someone named "Muffin". Muffin is a blow-up doll. Swear. To. God.
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Comments (9)
Just started reading and am already roflmao @ "whore-o-scope readings"!!
1 of 9 | Posted by southern_essence | Posted on May 5, 2009 6:19 AM
It's weird that no one has even wondered where the uncle or the blond bimbo with the dog went? You'd think they would at least ask around. If I had a bachelorette party and one of my so-called BFF's didn't show...I think I'd be vaguely disturbed!.
Great recap! 100 times better than the actual show!
2 of 9 | Posted by southern_essence | Posted on May 5, 2009 6:42 AM
Dear Southern:
Really well-constructed shows, like DAMAGES or BREAKING BAD, appear to have been worked out, beat by beat, like a delicate tapestry, for an entire season.
Then we have the DESPERATE HOUSEWIVESes and the HARPERS ISLANDs of TVLand which are the serial equivalent of listening to a bunch of sugared-up cub scouts making up implausible bullshit around a campfire. And with no molestation to enjoy afterwards.
Kidding.
As you point out, the age of instant digital communication makes stories where a group of close friends and family must suddenly drop out of complete communication with one another annoying to say the least.
"Uncle Harry" DID send Henry a text at the end of Episode 2 saying he was busy porking some skank and would see him at the wedding. But if you turned away to refill your mint julep, you probably missed it.
Soror-Whore 1 and Purse-Dog, however, are completely unmissed! Could they have maybe trimmed Fat Party Animal down by five seconds so Trish could have gotten a text about Soror-Whore's debilitatingly heavy period?
God Bless You,
LLB
3 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 5, 2009 11:13 AM
I'm only mad that HI is moving to Saturdays (is that the case, for good?) because it means I have to wait longer for your recap.
This week's death was weird. Did he shoot himself or not? And I know I don't pay the best attention, but I don't even remember seeing Hot Nerd before, so I wasn't terribly worried that he would go.
4 of 9 | Posted by ellenorah | Posted on May 5, 2009 12:07 PM
Dear Ellen:
Aren't you sweet. And sadly yes, no one, including the people who produced this, paid as much attention as I do for these blogs.
Leia thinks it's slasher-TV cheating to kill off sub-ancillary characters we couldn't give a rat's ass about. This would include Reverend Deaf, Soror-Whore 1 and of course Hot Nerd, about whom we knew nothing except he was prone to nausea and had a deep-seated fear of being fucked in the ass.
And yes, it's definitely on Saturdays from now on. Since this is the lowest-rated night of TV, it should be free to shudder to its sure-to-be un-stunning conclusion. But we'll have fun ripping it.
xoox
LLB
5 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 5, 2009 3:54 PM
They moved HI to Saturday in the U.S but Canada still gets them on Thursdays, at least that's what I heard as I found the episode online on Friday. Still, I wish they wouldn't so I could get your recaps earlier.
In this episode, I was glad to see Fish Hunk back. I think Abby and FH are pretty close to doing the deed since she went to his house for a hug.
I hope they don't cancel it before that happens as the only reason worth watching Harper's is to see Fish Hunk drop his Trunks & lift his Tee. And reading your recaps of course. ;)
6 of 9 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on May 5, 2009 6:48 PM
Dear Kissmy:
I often say my own homeland of Puerto Rico is the Canada of the Caribbean. Except you have two hilarious accents-- French and whatever you call the one where you say "It's aboot time you bought a hoose ehhh" and we only have boricua.
The real Fish Hunk is from Abilene, TX. Draw your own conclusions about the size of that trout.
Hasta la vista putas!
LLB
7 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 6, 2009 12:29 AM
Thank the gods other people are watching this show! Harper's Island has got to be the best piece of horrible crap that's come along in a looong time. I'm in love with every cheesy cliche they have used over.. and over.. and over..
Great recap! I am equally disturbed by the lack of concern for the missing guests. How long does a girl gotta go missing before someone checks her room?
That "sexy" scene between the brother-in-law and stepmom was HILARIOUS. Poor network tv tries SO hard to be sexy and scary.
If this show gets cancelled, I will be so upset. It has to be the funniest hour of tv right now!
8 of 9 | Posted by lickitysplit | Posted on May 6, 2009 12:40 PM
Dear Lickity:
Are you sure you don't work for CBS, chica? Because that's the best review H.I. will EVER receive!
xoxo
LLB
9 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 6, 2009 3:06 PM