Candlewick Library Lounge. Beef Wellington and his kinky son-in-law Ginger listen to Fat Party Animal's proposal. For a mere 100K, they can be majority stakeholders in FPA's very own Sacred Turtle Beer.
Thanks, but I said I liked tea-BAGGING...
Cut to Trish and TS. Trish is unwrapping a gift from TS-- it's their presumably late mom's tea set. TS wants to have a tea party with it. And they wonder why no one's tuning in. Trish is all choked up, and then we hear the sound of shattering china. Madison is standing over the broken tea cup. She insists she didn't even touch it, honest!
Cut to fishing boat. The Bro Posse and Muffin the Sex Doll are having a great time. All except for Fat Party Animal, who's broke and petulant and blames Ginger for sand-bagging his beer pitch. Henry gets a bite and reels in a huge fish. He starts clubbing it to death, prompting Spiky Hair to dive overboard with the blow-up doll. Henry tells him to be careful, prompting Spiky to suddenly disappear under the waves. OMG! Oh, he's just kidding. Dreadlocks spies an empty speedboat a short distance away and notes the presence of a flock of seagulls. The birds, not the band. Which would have been awesome. Henry says seagulls mean fish. They should go check it out.
Cut to Abby and Fish Hunk. Abby assures FH that her leaving H.I. had nothing to do with him. FH assures Abby that he has so moved on. But when she starts discussing all the hot nightlife and hotter guys in L.A., FH's CB radio crackles on-- his "girlfriend"'s car won't start and he needs to go pick her up. Abby wants to tag along.
Cut to fishing boat. The Bro Posse pulls up to the speedboat, which we recognize from the end of the last episode, when Trish's ex-lover Hunter Jennings fell afoul of a booby-trapped shotgun and blew himself to Paltry Residual Heaven. Hot Nerd pukes over the side.
Where can I get some decent barbeque?
Back from commercial. The guys debate what to do. Since there's a meaty lump of corpse in the boat, everybody but Fat Party Animal wants to call the cops. But FPA spies the bag with all the cash and the pistol and wants to snag it. He's broke, remember. FPA waddles into the speedboat and grabs the gun bare-handed. It of course discharges, blowing a hole in the speedboat, which starts to sink. Henry says he guesses they're keeping the money.
Ext. Candlewick. Madison is playing Go Fish with Beef Wellington. Trish is looking for Mrs BW. Madison thinks her indecently young step-granny is by the pool.
Remember to tell me as soon as you start to black out.
Cut to Candlewick pool. Trish investigates noises in the secluded dungeon-like area under the pool. She sees Mrs BW, blindfolded and bra-exposed, bound by the wrists. A topless Ginger appears, telling Mrs BW no one's gonna help the rich man's wife. Discreet much?! As the adulterous, bondage-friendly twosome continues their fun, Trish discreetly exits.
Cut to Abby and Fish Hunk trying to start a car. Not happening. FH's "girlfriend" appears. She's an old bag. FH says the old bag can ride with them to town to get groceries. Abby is impressed-- it's so not L.A. In L.A., the old bag would be casting CSI and FH would be an actor servicing her for a producers' session. Abby is going to walk to the newspaper office to finish her scrapbook. She and FH share warm eye contact.
Cut to ext. Candlewick. Henry and the Bro Posse return and show Preppy Blonde Snot their cooler full of salmon. They don't mention the bag of cash, the speedboat or the dead body. PBS reveals he's a whiz at dressing fish. Hmmm.
Candlewick honeymoon suite. The bro's have counted the money. 250K. They start to get all A Simple Plan about it. They've committed a crime! What if it's drug money?! FPA calls Henry into the bathroom and apologizes for being such a greedy bastard on the boat. FPA knows this week is all about Henry's wedding. But since FPA is so up-to-his-man-tits in debt, he begs Henry to let him keep the cash. Henry says they'll leave the cash in his room and decide what to do about it after the bachelor party.
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Comments (9)
Just started reading and am already roflmao @ "whore-o-scope readings"!!
1 of 9 | Posted by southern_essence | Posted on May 5, 2009 6:19 AM
It's weird that no one has even wondered where the uncle or the blond bimbo with the dog went? You'd think they would at least ask around. If I had a bachelorette party and one of my so-called BFF's didn't show...I think I'd be vaguely disturbed!.
Great recap! 100 times better than the actual show!
2 of 9 | Posted by southern_essence | Posted on May 5, 2009 6:42 AM
Dear Southern:
Really well-constructed shows, like DAMAGES or BREAKING BAD, appear to have been worked out, beat by beat, like a delicate tapestry, for an entire season.
Then we have the DESPERATE HOUSEWIVESes and the HARPERS ISLANDs of TVLand which are the serial equivalent of listening to a bunch of sugared-up cub scouts making up implausible bullshit around a campfire. And with no molestation to enjoy afterwards.
Kidding.
As you point out, the age of instant digital communication makes stories where a group of close friends and family must suddenly drop out of complete communication with one another annoying to say the least.
"Uncle Harry" DID send Henry a text at the end of Episode 2 saying he was busy porking some skank and would see him at the wedding. But if you turned away to refill your mint julep, you probably missed it.
Soror-Whore 1 and Purse-Dog, however, are completely unmissed! Could they have maybe trimmed Fat Party Animal down by five seconds so Trish could have gotten a text about Soror-Whore's debilitatingly heavy period?
God Bless You,
LLB
3 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 5, 2009 11:13 AM
I'm only mad that HI is moving to Saturdays (is that the case, for good?) because it means I have to wait longer for your recap.
This week's death was weird. Did he shoot himself or not? And I know I don't pay the best attention, but I don't even remember seeing Hot Nerd before, so I wasn't terribly worried that he would go.
4 of 9 | Posted by ellenorah | Posted on May 5, 2009 12:07 PM
Dear Ellen:
Aren't you sweet. And sadly yes, no one, including the people who produced this, paid as much attention as I do for these blogs.
Leia thinks it's slasher-TV cheating to kill off sub-ancillary characters we couldn't give a rat's ass about. This would include Reverend Deaf, Soror-Whore 1 and of course Hot Nerd, about whom we knew nothing except he was prone to nausea and had a deep-seated fear of being fucked in the ass.
And yes, it's definitely on Saturdays from now on. Since this is the lowest-rated night of TV, it should be free to shudder to its sure-to-be un-stunning conclusion. But we'll have fun ripping it.
xoox
LLB
5 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 5, 2009 3:54 PM
They moved HI to Saturday in the U.S but Canada still gets them on Thursdays, at least that's what I heard as I found the episode online on Friday. Still, I wish they wouldn't so I could get your recaps earlier.
In this episode, I was glad to see Fish Hunk back. I think Abby and FH are pretty close to doing the deed since she went to his house for a hug.
I hope they don't cancel it before that happens as the only reason worth watching Harper's is to see Fish Hunk drop his Trunks & lift his Tee. And reading your recaps of course. ;)
6 of 9 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on May 5, 2009 6:48 PM
Dear Kissmy:
I often say my own homeland of Puerto Rico is the Canada of the Caribbean. Except you have two hilarious accents-- French and whatever you call the one where you say "It's aboot time you bought a hoose ehhh" and we only have boricua.
The real Fish Hunk is from Abilene, TX. Draw your own conclusions about the size of that trout.
Hasta la vista putas!
LLB
7 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 6, 2009 12:29 AM
Thank the gods other people are watching this show! Harper's Island has got to be the best piece of horrible crap that's come along in a looong time. I'm in love with every cheesy cliche they have used over.. and over.. and over..
Great recap! I am equally disturbed by the lack of concern for the missing guests. How long does a girl gotta go missing before someone checks her room?
That "sexy" scene between the brother-in-law and stepmom was HILARIOUS. Poor network tv tries SO hard to be sexy and scary.
If this show gets cancelled, I will be so upset. It has to be the funniest hour of tv right now!
8 of 9 | Posted by lickitysplit | Posted on May 6, 2009 12:40 PM
Dear Lickity:
Are you sure you don't work for CBS, chica? Because that's the best review H.I. will EVER receive!
xoxo
LLB
9 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 6, 2009 3:06 PM