Harper's Island newspaper office. Abby enters and asks the Girl On Duty about the photo she requested from a 1991 back issue of "a boy and a big fish". When the girl goes to retrieve it, Abby notices a stack of newspapers, starts flipping through it, and we take an expositional shortcut thanks to the Lazy Screenwriter's BFF, Concisely Headlined, On-Topic and Sequentially Ordered News Articles. CHOTSONA for you texters. Each issue has some mention of the Wakefield Massacre and the tree he decorated with his victims and how Abby's Dad the Grizzled Local Cop killed John Wakefield. This may seem like someone's gaslighting Abby, but since apparently nothing has happened on H.I. between the Massacre and Goth Girl's "suicide" and Goth Guy's kidnapping by Townie, maybe the Harper's Globe needs to keep this stuff Page One, much like Us must give us weekly photo-proof that Lindsay Lohan is strung-out on Mexican diet pills and/or jonesing for Samantha Ronson's beavy goodness. The girl tells Abby someone asked her to collect all the information the paper had on the massacre, but she doesn't know who, and besides they never picked it up. Abby takes the clipping "Boy Catches Fish As Big As His Head" and shoves it into the scrapbook, then exits the office, feeling the prying eyes of the clerk through the window.
OMG! Those CAN'T be the overnights...
Awash in vague disturbance, Abby drifts into the street where she almost gets hit by Psychic Lady. Abby apologizes for spazzing out, PL pulls out, and Abby sees she's dropped her precious scrapbook in a dirty puddle, ruining several of the pages. Hopefully it's not to late to visit the Undie Store for a last-minute gift of the cock-teasing lingerie Trish enjoys sporting.
Speak of the cock-teaser--- Trish enters the honeymoon suite where Henry makes a token effort to button a shirt over his smooth and sinewy A&F-catalog torso. Trish is visibly shaken, unable to find the words "Fetish Roleplay", "Bondage & Discipline", or "My step-mom and Ginger-in-law are total horny freaks for each other." Henry holds her and they share a vaguely disturbed look.
Cut to Candlewick Bachelorette Party. Mrs BW presents the assembled gals with her gift, pink hoodies with "Trish & Henry" emblazoned on the left breast or implant, depending on the gal. She got black ones for the guys. Bosomy Hotel Manager Lady pulls Trish aside. The heirloom tea set has been shattered. Mrs BW assures Trish that they can get her a new set. No, it was Trish's mom's and is irreplaceable. Trish scurries away, visibly disturbed. TS asks "Where's Madison?" Abby offers to find the li'l demon seed.
Abby locates Madison alone in an empty hall, sitting on the floor, playing with severed blossoms and singing "One by one", and not the Cher hit. But how awesome would that have been? Madison says she's not going to get to be the flower girl. The spirits told her that. Eeeek! Will somebody buy this little sociopath a Blackberry Bold and some cute app's to go with it? They can fuckin afford it.
I'll be Andrea Yates and you can be the district attorney!
Cut to Candlewick Library Lounge. The Bro Posse Minus Henry debate what to do with the cash they found. Hot Nerd thinks they're going to jail (spin-off alert!), Spiky Hair says they probably won't keep it, but if they do, what would each Bro do with his 50K? Dreadlocks suggests making a charitable donation. Fat Party Animal is cool with that if the charity is Sacred Turtle Beer. Hot Nerd says they're going to end up in prison. The Bro's tell him he can look forward to being "a bottom" there. Finally, someone's making sense. As the Posse makes jokes about Hot Nerd's imminent deflowering, a Sexy Stranger with an artlessly revealed shoulder-holster enters the lounge.
The Posse scrambles outside, terrified that Sexy Stranger is a drug dealer after the stolen loot. Henry joins them and says they have to hide the money. They'll draw straws. Hot Nerd wins. His job is to hide the cash so they can deal with it later.
Cut to bachelorette party. Psychic Lady reads Trish's cards. Someone who betrays her will also save her. Just like on Intervention. Let's hope she gets no-nonsense ex-boozy battle-axe Candy Finnigan instead of judgmental judy Ken Seeley. How I wish Intervention had a "before" clip package of Ken as a methed-out circuit-boy pig bottom. But we digress.
What is a one-word upside-down review of this episode?
Cut to Massacre Woods. Hot Nerd scrambles to hide the bag of cash.
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Comments (9)
Just started reading and am already roflmao @ "whore-o-scope readings"!!
1 of 9 | Posted by southern_essence | Posted on May 5, 2009 6:19 AM
It's weird that no one has even wondered where the uncle or the blond bimbo with the dog went? You'd think they would at least ask around. If I had a bachelorette party and one of my so-called BFF's didn't show...I think I'd be vaguely disturbed!.
Great recap! 100 times better than the actual show!
2 of 9 | Posted by southern_essence | Posted on May 5, 2009 6:42 AM
Dear Southern:
Really well-constructed shows, like DAMAGES or BREAKING BAD, appear to have been worked out, beat by beat, like a delicate tapestry, for an entire season.
Then we have the DESPERATE HOUSEWIVESes and the HARPERS ISLANDs of TVLand which are the serial equivalent of listening to a bunch of sugared-up cub scouts making up implausible bullshit around a campfire. And with no molestation to enjoy afterwards.
Kidding.
As you point out, the age of instant digital communication makes stories where a group of close friends and family must suddenly drop out of complete communication with one another annoying to say the least.
"Uncle Harry" DID send Henry a text at the end of Episode 2 saying he was busy porking some skank and would see him at the wedding. But if you turned away to refill your mint julep, you probably missed it.
Soror-Whore 1 and Purse-Dog, however, are completely unmissed! Could they have maybe trimmed Fat Party Animal down by five seconds so Trish could have gotten a text about Soror-Whore's debilitatingly heavy period?
God Bless You,
LLB
3 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 5, 2009 11:13 AM
I'm only mad that HI is moving to Saturdays (is that the case, for good?) because it means I have to wait longer for your recap.
This week's death was weird. Did he shoot himself or not? And I know I don't pay the best attention, but I don't even remember seeing Hot Nerd before, so I wasn't terribly worried that he would go.
4 of 9 | Posted by ellenorah | Posted on May 5, 2009 12:07 PM
Dear Ellen:
Aren't you sweet. And sadly yes, no one, including the people who produced this, paid as much attention as I do for these blogs.
Leia thinks it's slasher-TV cheating to kill off sub-ancillary characters we couldn't give a rat's ass about. This would include Reverend Deaf, Soror-Whore 1 and of course Hot Nerd, about whom we knew nothing except he was prone to nausea and had a deep-seated fear of being fucked in the ass.
And yes, it's definitely on Saturdays from now on. Since this is the lowest-rated night of TV, it should be free to shudder to its sure-to-be un-stunning conclusion. But we'll have fun ripping it.
xoox
LLB
5 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 5, 2009 3:54 PM
They moved HI to Saturday in the U.S but Canada still gets them on Thursdays, at least that's what I heard as I found the episode online on Friday. Still, I wish they wouldn't so I could get your recaps earlier.
In this episode, I was glad to see Fish Hunk back. I think Abby and FH are pretty close to doing the deed since she went to his house for a hug.
I hope they don't cancel it before that happens as the only reason worth watching Harper's is to see Fish Hunk drop his Trunks & lift his Tee. And reading your recaps of course. ;)
6 of 9 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on May 5, 2009 6:48 PM
Dear Kissmy:
I often say my own homeland of Puerto Rico is the Canada of the Caribbean. Except you have two hilarious accents-- French and whatever you call the one where you say "It's aboot time you bought a hoose ehhh" and we only have boricua.
The real Fish Hunk is from Abilene, TX. Draw your own conclusions about the size of that trout.
Hasta la vista putas!
LLB
7 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 6, 2009 12:29 AM
Thank the gods other people are watching this show! Harper's Island has got to be the best piece of horrible crap that's come along in a looong time. I'm in love with every cheesy cliche they have used over.. and over.. and over..
Great recap! I am equally disturbed by the lack of concern for the missing guests. How long does a girl gotta go missing before someone checks her room?
That "sexy" scene between the brother-in-law and stepmom was HILARIOUS. Poor network tv tries SO hard to be sexy and scary.
If this show gets cancelled, I will be so upset. It has to be the funniest hour of tv right now!
8 of 9 | Posted by lickitysplit | Posted on May 6, 2009 12:40 PM
Dear Lickity:
Are you sure you don't work for CBS, chica? Because that's the best review H.I. will EVER receive!
xoxo
LLB
9 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 6, 2009 3:06 PM