Cut to Merlotte's The Cannery for the tamest bachelor party this side of The Suite Life of Zack & Cody On Deck. Henry approaches Ginger and says he knows about his slave-girl Mrs BW. Henry threatens to expose Ginger, who basically says "Go for it. Tell BW."
Bachelorette Party. It's Abby's turn for a psychic reading. She hands over a silver necklace, which PL says belonged to Abby's mom. Trish says she wishes both their moms could be here. PL clutches the necklace, then freaks out and stops the whole session. PL gathers up her gypsy kit and bolts. Abby says she doesn't believe in this shit, anyway. Neither does Trish. Trish's Sis doesn't say anything but you know she's stopping payment on that check as soon as the bank opens.
I luv mah n***az, but where mah bitches?!
Cut to The Cannery. Spiky Hair has a drunken "I love you, man" moment with Henry, doing that thing with his arm around Henry where he grabs his pec as if subconsciously wishing it were a nice C-cup. The bromance is shattered when Sexy Stranger enters the bar with another big lug, asking which one is Spiky Hair. Spiky bitches out and says Henry is Spiky. Sexy Stranger demands "the money". ZOINKS! But it's just the money FOR THE STRIPPER. They're not murderous drug-dealers, just pimps. Phew!
Cut to Massacre Woods. Hot Nerd stumbles around with a flashlight and the bag of cash. He hears someone nearby and pulls out the gun. But it's just Fat Party Animal. He was only watching Hot Nerd's back. Just when you think this Tard Circus can't get any stupider, HN drops the gun and FPA shrieks that he's been shot. But HN is the one with the big bloodstain on his thigh. HN says he can't feel it. FPA says it must be a flesh wound. Then HN collapses to the forest floor and a fountain of blood spurts from his leg! HN dies in FPA's arms.
But you said if it's not here in 30 minutes, it's free!
Back from commercial. The Cannery. Stripper Time. But this is network so what we get is a too-pretty-faced, too-small-titted hottie who doesn't actually strip. Or grind. Or does much of anything except slither around the floor and pool table in short-shorts and what looks like two bras. Oh, wait, she DOES recognize Henry from growing up on the island. Mortified, Henry tells Spiky that he's known her since she was ten. AWK-ward!
The line forms to the left, single-file.
Candlewick Inn verandah. Abby is accosted by Psychic Lady. PL: You have to leave. He wants you dead! A: Let go of me. PL: Please. He won't stop.
The Cannery. As the party winds down, Spiky canoodles with the blow-up doll, jealously watching Stripper sit on Preppy's lap. Why does he care-- she now has a sweatshirt covering her boobs. Even the blow-up doll's wearing a bra. This bachelor party is giving me a soft-on! And I'm female.
"My name is Jessica/Some kids call me a slut!"
FPA enters, looking like a hippo caught in the headlights. Henry's glad to see him but wonders where Hot Nerd is. FPA says he hasn't seen him. People Lying To People For No Good Reason. That's how they roll on the H.I.
Cut to ext. house. Abby knocks on the door. Fish Hunk answers, his lips decorously framed by some sexy stubble. They embrace.
Is that a trout in your trousers or are you just happy to see me?
Candlewick Inn, FPA's Room. Fat Party Animal quivers on his bed with the bag of cash. My precioussssss...... FPA weeps.
Candlewick Pool. Trish notices the blow-up doll floating in the deserted pool. Obviously she or the writers are rather inebriated, since she starts talking to the doll and tries to fish it out. She falls in. As she enjoys a relaxing sink to the bottom, the pool cover unrolls, trapping her! OMG! As much as we'd all dig the ensuing stupidity of the bride being missing for eight more episodes, it isn't meant to be. Someone dives in and saves her. It's Ginger! As he prepares to perform Pervert CPR, Henry rushes in. Good thing I was here, Ginger says, as the shaken couple eyes him, vaguely disturbed.
I didn't even know rosieodonnell.com sold sex toys!
And we're out. Note to CBS: Putting this on right before the fabulous true-crime magazine 48 Hours Mystery doesn't do either show any favors.
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Comments (9)
Just started reading and am already roflmao @ "whore-o-scope readings"!!
1 of 9 | Posted by southern_essence | Posted on May 5, 2009 6:19 AM
It's weird that no one has even wondered where the uncle or the blond bimbo with the dog went? You'd think they would at least ask around. If I had a bachelorette party and one of my so-called BFF's didn't show...I think I'd be vaguely disturbed!.
Great recap! 100 times better than the actual show!
2 of 9 | Posted by southern_essence | Posted on May 5, 2009 6:42 AM
Dear Southern:
Really well-constructed shows, like DAMAGES or BREAKING BAD, appear to have been worked out, beat by beat, like a delicate tapestry, for an entire season.
Then we have the DESPERATE HOUSEWIVESes and the HARPERS ISLANDs of TVLand which are the serial equivalent of listening to a bunch of sugared-up cub scouts making up implausible bullshit around a campfire. And with no molestation to enjoy afterwards.
Kidding.
As you point out, the age of instant digital communication makes stories where a group of close friends and family must suddenly drop out of complete communication with one another annoying to say the least.
"Uncle Harry" DID send Henry a text at the end of Episode 2 saying he was busy porking some skank and would see him at the wedding. But if you turned away to refill your mint julep, you probably missed it.
Soror-Whore 1 and Purse-Dog, however, are completely unmissed! Could they have maybe trimmed Fat Party Animal down by five seconds so Trish could have gotten a text about Soror-Whore's debilitatingly heavy period?
God Bless You,
LLB
3 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 5, 2009 11:13 AM
I'm only mad that HI is moving to Saturdays (is that the case, for good?) because it means I have to wait longer for your recap.
This week's death was weird. Did he shoot himself or not? And I know I don't pay the best attention, but I don't even remember seeing Hot Nerd before, so I wasn't terribly worried that he would go.
4 of 9 | Posted by ellenorah | Posted on May 5, 2009 12:07 PM
Dear Ellen:
Aren't you sweet. And sadly yes, no one, including the people who produced this, paid as much attention as I do for these blogs.
Leia thinks it's slasher-TV cheating to kill off sub-ancillary characters we couldn't give a rat's ass about. This would include Reverend Deaf, Soror-Whore 1 and of course Hot Nerd, about whom we knew nothing except he was prone to nausea and had a deep-seated fear of being fucked in the ass.
And yes, it's definitely on Saturdays from now on. Since this is the lowest-rated night of TV, it should be free to shudder to its sure-to-be un-stunning conclusion. But we'll have fun ripping it.
xoox
LLB
5 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 5, 2009 3:54 PM
They moved HI to Saturday in the U.S but Canada still gets them on Thursdays, at least that's what I heard as I found the episode online on Friday. Still, I wish they wouldn't so I could get your recaps earlier.
In this episode, I was glad to see Fish Hunk back. I think Abby and FH are pretty close to doing the deed since she went to his house for a hug.
I hope they don't cancel it before that happens as the only reason worth watching Harper's is to see Fish Hunk drop his Trunks & lift his Tee. And reading your recaps of course. ;)
6 of 9 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on May 5, 2009 6:48 PM
Dear Kissmy:
I often say my own homeland of Puerto Rico is the Canada of the Caribbean. Except you have two hilarious accents-- French and whatever you call the one where you say "It's aboot time you bought a hoose ehhh" and we only have boricua.
The real Fish Hunk is from Abilene, TX. Draw your own conclusions about the size of that trout.
Hasta la vista putas!
LLB
7 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 6, 2009 12:29 AM
Thank the gods other people are watching this show! Harper's Island has got to be the best piece of horrible crap that's come along in a looong time. I'm in love with every cheesy cliche they have used over.. and over.. and over..
Great recap! I am equally disturbed by the lack of concern for the missing guests. How long does a girl gotta go missing before someone checks her room?
That "sexy" scene between the brother-in-law and stepmom was HILARIOUS. Poor network tv tries SO hard to be sexy and scary.
If this show gets cancelled, I will be so upset. It has to be the funniest hour of tv right now!
8 of 9 | Posted by lickitysplit | Posted on May 6, 2009 12:40 PM
Dear Lickity:
Are you sure you don't work for CBS, chica? Because that's the best review H.I. will EVER receive!
xoxo
LLB
9 of 9 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 6, 2009 3:06 PM