Gasmii Gasmii Gasmii!
We're halfway through the season and the rumors and theories are buzzing across the internet. Unfortunately for Harper's Island, most of them have to do with whether Danny Gokey will make an honest woman of his boo Jamar when the Idol tour hits Iowa. I kid because I love... to hate those closeted fruits.
But what I love even more are your recent comments about my humble re-crap. Thank you all for giving a shit! This episode promises less mayhem, bigger plotholes, and all the Filet O'Fish Hunk you can eat. The smart money's on our beloved FH as the dangerously unhinged main murderer, but let's not count out Possible Surprise Psychos Abby, Henry, and yes even Trish. When writers free up their imaginations and dispense with carefully outlined arcs, anything's possible!
Candlewick Inn, next morning. Grizzled Local Cop and Deputy pull up on official business and head upstairs to the guest rooms. The Bro Posse plus Soror-Whore 2 speculate about who the killer might be. Henry's bro Goth Guy, or maybe Trish's recently harpooned brother-in-law Kinky Ginger. Spiky Hair wants to know how GLC can search their rooms without a warrant. Dreadlocks and SW2 say they're OK with their stuff being searched. Fat Party Animal waddles away "to pack".
Me no need napkin!
Trish's Sis tells moppet Creepy Madison she's not sure where Kinky Ginger is this morning. Nosey Madsy wants to know if Ginger is gone because of what M told GLC. No. Well is he gone because he split Grampa's skull with a deadly chandelier/head-spade? No, TS snips, Daddy Ginger loved your Grampa!
Candlewick, FPA's room. Fat Party Animal is packing the 250K into a different duffel bag when there's a knock at the door. Panicked, FPA crams all the tainted cash into one bag and tosses it out the window (!!!) before answering to Soror-Whore 2. She wants to thank him for being her big soft rock yesterday. They share a warm moment, then FPA ushers her out with a "see ya on the boat".
I'm sure this 250 grand will be fine wherever it lands.
Candlewick, honeymoon suite. Henry enters to find a very medicated Trish on the couch. Henry says a boat has been chartered to take everyone back to Seattle at four. Henry volunteers to stay behind with Beef Wellington's body. OK, Trish murmurs. H: People are asking about the wedding. OK, Trish murmurs.
Candlewick lobby. Abby enters with her packed bags and runs into Fish Hunk, who just did a few dozen push-ups, if his deliciously bulging pecs are any indication. He just heard about BW and wants to know how Abby's doing. The locals are freaking out because the deadly chandelier incident reminds them of John Wakefield. FH has come to say goodbye. He and Abby sadly agree that something always gets in their way. Yes, it's called murder. As they hold a warm look:
FLASHBACK: "7 YEARS EARLIER". Harper's Island promenade. Pierced Tongue schools Abby about boys. When one takes you "camping", that means sex. Despite the fact that she's starting college in the fall, Abby is shocked! But since she and Fish Hunk love each other, shouldn't they, like, go for it? She doesn't realize that FH, in a cute pink tee, has sneaked up behind her until he says "Absolutely". OMG, what did you hear?! Nuthin', I swear.
His name's Lou Pearlman and he totally says I got what it takes!
At this point I should add that slight hair adjustments are the sole concession to 2001. Correct me if I'm wrong, Gasmii, but even the background music is a song from 2009! This is the kind of detail network execs were born to note. But then these people approved the casting of Preppy Blonde Snot and Creepy Madison. And Goth Guy and Soror-Whore 1. And Soror-Whore 2. Jesus Geraldo Cristo, we are only 8 minutes in, mijos. Abby gives Pierced Tongue the boot and tells FH yes, they will be camping their brains out tonight. They share a badly staged, chaste kiss.
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Comments (13)
Is "thrack" even a word? Who got thracked?
Leia, how do you get these recaps up so fast? Love you! (Her grandmother *should* be waiting for her! Nice catch.)
1 of 13 | Posted by ellenorah | Posted on May 31, 2009 8:12 AM
great recap. I appreciate you recapping this crap, because i can't even bear to watch it myself.
My theory is that FPA could have been killed by Spiky or Dreadlocks. They are not necessarily the killer, but did it to kill the murderer, thinking it was FPA.
My 2nd theory is that Goth Guy was the killer...When GG said to Henry how stupid they'll seem when the murders continue, Henry tries to make GG seem innocent by continuing the murders, starting with FPA. although, this is assuming that the writers are smart enough to think of this.
No way will Madison die next episode. They always kill at the end of the episode or near it, with the exception of new characters or minor ones. The only way Madison will die is if it is long and drawn out or if it is not adressed until the end of the episode. Finally, do you think they would actually kill off a child? I do not see Madison ever getting killed off.
I recently read that Harper's Island was cancelled. Will the show still air? I need to know who dies and who the killer is.
2 of 13 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on May 31, 2009 4:16 PM
Ellenorah:
FPA was the thrack-ee. I agree that it makes no sense. The episode should have been called "Oink Squeal Sizzle".
And thank you... but I'm sure it takes me MUCH longer to recap than it took them to write the shit.
TVFreak:
If it had been a big hit, they might've whipped up some type of spin-off, but after a strong opener, people realized what they were in for. But it will continue to air, so I'll be here if you will.
xoxox
LLB
3 of 13 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on May 31, 2009 6:16 PM
This episode was filled with Fish Hunk goodness, therefore I loved it.
That lucky bitch Abby missed out on 7 years worth of camping.
I was also glad when FPA died. He always annoyed me with his overly confused looks and whining.
4 of 13 | Posted by kissmymanolos | Posted on June 1, 2009 8:20 AM
thanks LLB. I'm glad that we'll get closure.
5 of 13 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on June 1, 2009 9:37 AM
Those stupid flashbacks did more harm than good. None of it made sense! Abby's mom is cool with camping? The dock survived the huge explosion? Wakefield broke into the front door when every window was open? Fish Hunk was able to stop Wakefield by just driving by, and didn't end up a victim? Cop Dad just walked up calmly behind Abby as she discovered the victims?
That bitch slap was the funniest thing I had seen in a long time. It was so unexpected! Seriously, why did he *slap* him? Is this a telenovela for crying out loud? Just punch the dude already!
Hopefully next week will be less exposition and more killing. Hopefully.
6 of 13 | Posted by lickitysplit | Posted on June 1, 2009 2:49 PM
thanks leia for the recap indy had a storm-a-brewin saturday night so we had no local channel programing - just weather for 4 hrs...... glad to see nothing happened while we were on a forced storm watch. p.s. indy is fine no real weather hit. the locals overreact. as usual
7 of 13 | Posted by indychick | Posted on June 2, 2009 9:07 AM
Indychick--- Who do I have to blow to get some invigorating summer storms to lash my Hollywood home, Flo Rida? 'Cuz that could be arranged. I know he's East Coast but if he sees my luscious Latina cebolla in my new Miss Sixty mini, it's gonna pour down rain and hundies. So I'm a little champagned-up after watching REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ. Sue me.
More on point-- Lickity: The flashbacks were more like reenactments from a B-grade true-crime show. Are we to believe that Henry& GG's parents perished in that explosion?
Is Wakefield actually Abby's father???
And how long will it take for the Harpies to mingle and compare notes and realize how many corpses are piling up around them???
Burning all the cash at this point destroys a good motivation to keep people on the island.
And can we please have songs from 2001 during these flashbacks??? I nominate "Planets of the Universe" by Stevie Nicks for a nice ethereal yet dramatic vibe.
OK, one more goblet of Segura Viudas and I am passing out in my new 600-thread count Egyptian cottons.
Vayas con dios mis jollas,
LLB
8 of 13 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on June 3, 2009 1:24 AM
Hey Leia--
I thought for sure we'd find out Wakefield was Abby's father. If he is, dad has to be the killer.
9 of 13 | Posted by lickitysplit | Posted on June 3, 2009 6:36 AM
Hey Leia,
On his blog, one of the producers (the guy apparently in charge of letting each of the actors know they are going to die this episode) revealed two things.
One: Apparently, despite the fact there will be no Harper's Island 2: Madison's Revenge, there will be a DVD of the entire season 1 released.
And Two: The scene there FPA gets slaughtered had one more piece to it originally that CBS cut (since it didn't advance the plot enough). Apparently whoever killed FPA then chops him up in the basement and feeds his limbs to the fire. There was actually a scene where his head went up in flames sideburns and all. You will be happy to note, fan of slasher films that you are, that the producer assures us this scene will not be cut out of the DVD.
10 of 13 | Posted by Spheniscus | Posted on June 4, 2009 6:00 AM
Sphen--
We're alone now, so you can come clean. Digame, Corazon... YOU are that "producer", aren't you?
It's OK... no one blames you for the quality. Entirely, I mean. You had a job to do and there's a recession.
While the thought of willingly inserting DVD's and re-screening the entire season makes my hot latina blood run fria, I AM curious about FPA's dismemberment! Seeing that would've rocked.
But come on, Mr Producer-- CBS is worried about "plot advancement"?! Clearly they censored that shit! Just in case some TRUE JACKSON VP fans miraculously happened upon it I guess...
Besos y masajes
LLB
11 of 13 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on June 4, 2009 6:27 PM
Leia,
I have watched children, refereed sporting events, run a movie theater, fed penguins, stacked toys, answered phones, transferred money, practiced law, and even counted pedestrians as they crossed the street for a paycheck before, but I can assure you I have never, ever produced any television/movie before (unless you count the incredible Ro Roddy Ridd (as in the Karate Kid as said by Scooby Doo) series my friends did in 5th and 6th grade).
I merely didn't want to use the site of his blog since it is on a TVGasm competitor (I know, I know, I should be a one snark site man, but it is just too difficult when you are as bored at work as I am). The producer's name is the incredibly made up sounding Karim Zreik (I mean, that has to be an anagram for something, right?)
12 of 13 | Posted by spheniscus | Posted on June 5, 2009 8:57 AM
Well, hi there, Karim. You sound hot. Do you happen to resemble Yigal Azrouel?
OK, I'm joking. But if this blog has a comments section, PLEASE send him a link to this one!
Then he can reveal himself in MY comments section... if he dares!
xoxox
LLB
13 of 13 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on June 5, 2009 12:14 PM