Over expensive hi-def beauty shots of a lighthouse, a Native American totem pole and a sprawling Craftsman/Victorian mansion, we are told via chyron that we're on Harper's Island, 37 miles off the coast of Seattle. "7 years ago, 6 people were murdered by John Wakefield." A quick TV-14-discreet flash of bodies hanging from a tree. "They were the first murders in the history of the island". "THEY WILL NOT BE THE LAST" !!!

Cut to Seattle. A sparkling sunny day, with sparkling sunny white people at a party on a yacht. A little girl named Madison runs up to a pair of ex-sorority types and opens a ring box to reveal... a bloody severed finger! Screams! But it's just a cheap joke-shop gag. This Madison is quite the ghoulish prankster. A beautiful 30-ish red-head, Trish's Sister, admonishes the little scamp to behave, then turning to Trish, the hot chick next to her, commits the much bigger faux pas by speaking even cheaper expositional dialogue: "I know I've told you a hundred times, but I just can't believe my little sister is getting married!"

Who doesn't love a good fingering?

She's marrying a tousled-hair cutie named Henry (Christopher Gorham from Popular), who's hanging out one deck below with his bro posse, consisting of Spiky Haired Blonde Guy, Mutton-Chopped Partying Fat Guy, and Diversity In Action Dreadlocked Black Guy. In case we're not sure which one's Henry, the posse helpfully chants "Groom! Groom Groom!" at him before establishing Henry's modest, middle-class, and Marrying Rich. I mean he's marrying Trish and she happens to be rich.

A taxi pulls up to the marina. The cabbie has a huge bandage over one eye, which may become relevant to the plot later or could just be CBS trying for even richer diversity by recognizing the conjunctivitis community. He asks Abby, his pretty young fare, who's getting married, and luckily she and the camera are staring at an engraved invitation. "Mr and Mrs Thomas Wellington Cordially Invite You To Share In the Joyous Marriage of PATRICIA WELLINGTON and HENRY W DUNN. The Candlewick Inn. Harper's Island, Washington. Chartered Yacht Leaves Seattle Harbor at 2:00 PM" She tells him the groom is her childhood best friend . One-Eye thinks she looks familiar. A little flustered, she explains she grew up "on the island". Now Cabbie Cyclops has it: You're Sharon Mills' kid. "What a shame. All those people. Terrible. I never would have believed something so awful could happen around here."

My Bloody Valentine In 3-D? Missed that one!

Trish's rich beefcake father tells her it's almost time to shove off. He's played by Richard Burgi, who most recently guest-starred as a couch-fucker on Nip/Tuck. He was also one of the sickos in my fave movie of 2007, Hostel 2, so he's no stranger to slaughter, although it's safe to assume this show won't feature anyone strung up naked then bled out while a maniacal lesbian orgasmically showers in the hot spurting blood. Although sweeps is coming up, so who knows. Uptight Father of the Bride is immediately contrasted with Wacky Uncle of the Groom (Harry Hamlin), who shows up with his own mariachi band, to Henry's, if not our, delight. Harry boards the yacht and catches the eye of Slutty Blonde Bitch. She shoots him a "let's bang later" glance unseen by Preppy Blonde Boyfriend (hers, not Harry's).

Abby embarks and gets a warm hug from Henry, but don't go reading anything into it because Trish hugs her, too and everyone's really swell friends. The bro posse suggest a glass of champagne but she shows dark personal tragedy isn't going to get her down by grabbing a beer from Fat Guy and chugging that sucka down!

Just eight or nine more and I'll be way fuckable!

Cut to the bathroom, where Uncle Harry pops a pill and washes it down with champagne. Dramamine? Probably not, since he then opens a bag full of bundles of cash, grabs a huge gun and shoves it in his waistband.

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Posted in Harper's Island by Leia LaBiblia at 11:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Last Comment: leia labiblia on Apr 16, 2009 02:02 AM.