Testimonials

Now Trish is ready to set sail, probably because those goddamn mariachis haven't stopped playing. She wonders to Henry where Cousin Ben is. It's not like him not to answer his phone. But Cousin Ben IS there, Trish. He's under the boat where someone has tied him to the rudder. They were considerate enough to rig him up with scuba tanks because it would spoil all the fun for him to have already drowned by the time the propeller purees his skull. Which is just what happens.

I've heard of tourist class, Muffy but this is RIDONKULOUS.

Henry has a moment alone with Abby. She almost didn't come. But she realized if she didn't come home now, she might never. And that scared her. In case she or we forgot how many years ago someone in her family was brutally slain, Henry reminds her it's been 7 years since the murders. The island's back to being that wonderful whimsical spot they grew up in. That's why he wanted to get married there. The bro posse reminds each other and us that Abby is Henry's best friend. Trish's pink phone rings. Is it Cousin Ben, her dad asks? We see it's someone named "Kurt Jennings". "No, it's... not him," Trish enigmatically tells Pops.

Slutty Blonde Bitch is holding court. Now it's Slutty's turn to spit out Information We Already Know. "Come on! You don't know about the murders?! He killed like 6 people! How could you not remember that?!" Is she talking to her champers-guzzling soror-whore pals or to the tards in the audience? And he didn't kill LIKE 6 people. He killed exactly six people. We read the chyron ourselves. Oh, wait there's more. No one knows what set Wakefield off. 7 years ago he just showed up on the island and started killing people. Chopped 'em, burned 'em, hung 'em. You mean hanged. People are hanged, not hung. I guess they could be both. One of them was Abby's mother. Before Slutty can dish anymore dirt, a seagull plops from the sky onto her buffet plate. Screams!

You're not talking about this show, right?

The boat arrives. A devilishly handsome dude decapitating fish on the dock watches Abby disembark. Fish Hunk calls out to Abby and from their flirty fish-centric banter we surmise that they were an item back in the day, pre-massacre.

I don't care if it smells like fish, I still wanna eat that.

The wedding party and guests hop onto golf carts for the ride to Candlewick inn. Abby prefers to walk. Alone. Through the woods in which her mother got chopped, burned or hanged. Or possibly all three. She leaves the path and finds the tree we saw decorated with corpses. FLASHBACK! Teen Abby discovering her mom swinging and not in the fun way, hanging from a branch, along with other victims. YIKES! Abby snaps out of her memory and is startled by Henry, who's snuck up behind her to comfort her. It looks like these two might have been besties with bennies. Henry says he should have cut down that tree a long time ago. 7 years ago, to be precise. As they walk away toward the end, a sinister figure in black carrying an axe watches from the trees.

Henry suggests they drop in on Abby's dad. Abby's not down with that. A bosomy middle-aged redhead rushes down the Inn steps to meet Henry and Abby. She tells us the wedding party has the entire inn for the week. In fact, and listen closely because this may only be repeated three or four THOUSAND times, since it's end of season, they'll have THE WHOLE ISLAND TO THEMSELVES. Chillz.

All my backstory ended up on the cutting room floor? Bastards!

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Posted in Harper's Island by Leia LaBiblia at 11:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Last Comment: leia labiblia on Apr 16, 2009 02:02 AM.