Testimonials

Slutty Blonde asks Preppy Snot if he put Trish's niece Madison up to the bloody finger trick. He smugly indicates he did, thereby neatly setting himself up as Next Victim. The Blondes enter their lavish suite. There's a model sailboat and a note from Preppy to Slutty-- he wants to take her sailing. She squeals approval then pops on a captain's hat. "How do I look?" Like a Vivid Exclusive about to star in All Hands On Dick. They topple to the bed as we cut to the dock, where Fish Hunk is having another casual expository chat with another townie. They refer to our soonly-weds as The Princess & The Pauper but say Henry's a pretty cool guy for someone who only came here in the summer. But Henry's psycho little brother better not be coming! Of course that means he definitely is, and since they're calling him psycho he'll end up being the Rebellious Maverick With His Own Quirky Indie Style who ends up saving whoever's left when this finally concludes sometime in 2012. Townie warns Fish Hunk to keep away from Abby-- "She dumped you, brah!" Uh-oh, there's a problem under the yacht-- something appears to be caught in the rudder. Fish Hunk offers to take a look and jumps in the water, reaches down and starts futzing with it. We cut underwater and Cousin Ben's bashed-in severed head pops out at us for the nanosecond the network standards department allowed. The head apparently sinks to the ocean floor as Fish Hunk pulls out the cord used to bind Cousin Ben to the rudder. Problem fixed.

Patio, Candlewick Inn. Uncle Harry's caught the Expositional Flu as he tells Henry "Remember when you were a starry-eyed teen fixing boats during the summer?" (NOTE: Mark my words, Gasmi, Henry's boat-fixing skills will become WAY important later.) "Now you're here at the posh Candlewick Inn marrying mega-rich Trish Wellington. It's just like a fairy-tale!" No, Uncle Harry. Making Love was a fairy tale. This is a slick and vapid Agatha Christie Meets Jason Voorhees soap opera that needs to get real nasty real fast or I might go on a killing spree. Uncle Harry tells Henry to never be intimidated by Big Daddy Beef Wellington. Then he wants to know about Slutty Blonde. That dish gives him the hots.

Cut to Slutty & Preppy's suite. Preppy is taking a bubble bath. He calls out for Slutty to join him. They exchange saucy banter about the big something he has to show her. But it's not his penis. It's a diamond ring. After Slutty exits to find her spermicidal bath beads, Preppy gives us a peek at it and hopes aloud to himself that it's big enough. I'm sure it's fine. It's not about the ring-- it's about marrying you so she can get her manicured mitts on your bank account and then immediately start sleeping around, because let's face it, Preppy, you look a lot like David Spade. Or the drama teacher from Summer Heights High.

"My name is Mr.G/Three talents, one two three!"

Cut to Trish's sister and her husband, another dysfunctional WASP couple. Mr. Trish's Sister is worried about their daughter Madison. You know, Severed Finger Girl. He promised they'd find someone for her to play with. We see Madison has already found a playmate, a snail she's in the process of frying with a magnifying glass. Kids!

Cut to Henry knocking on a hotel room door, asking the person inside if he needs anything for tonight. It's his psycho brother! And he definitely fits the CBS Psycho Profile what with his dyed-black hair and panoply of Goth tattoos, including an elaborate Satanic skull design all over his back. I so totally called it. Through the door, Henry reminds him that next to Uncle Harry, he's the only family Henry has left. Goth Guy says nothing and looks vaguely disturbed.

Cut to Beef Wellington and Mrs. Beef's suite. BW kisses Mrs Beef as she showers, then checks his laptop. He has an anonymous email that says "I will get to her tonight." Cut to Abby's room. In bra and panties, she answers her cell. No one's there. She looks vaguely disturbed, but not disturbed enough to check Caller ID or *69.

Cut to Candlewick Inn Library/Cocktail Lounge. Abby appears in a slinky red dress and approaches Henry. She tells him she's determined to have fun this week and totally has his back. He notices she's a little tipsy.

I have THIS much respect for my agent.

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Posted in Harper's Island by Leia LaBiblia at 11:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Last Comment: leia labiblia on Apr 16, 2009 02:02 AM.