Testimonials

Cut to Uncle Harry approaching Beef Wellington on the patio. Harry helps himself to a stogie and sits down. Trish and Henry are canoodling nearby, so Harry has to be subtle. "My nephew and your daughter make a stunning couple, don't you think?" BW fails to see his point. Harry tells BW that Harry's "calling", his "purpose in life" is to protect young men like Henry, men who deserve true love and happiness, from rotten douchebags like BW. THAT'S Harry's calling? Protecting men so they can find true love? OK, so Harry's like a superhero. A superhero created by a really lame girl. I can say that because I AM a girl. Yeah, well try proving I'm not. BW doesn't take kindly to threats. Well Harry doesn't make trash, he burns it. Thanks for the cigar!

Cut to The Cannery, mid-pool game. Abby and Fish Hunk engage in excruciatingly generic repartee and make some cute little bet about someone making the corner pocket blah blah. Unless the upshot is Fish Hunk dropping trou or at least raising tee, I don't care. Goth Guy gets caught leering at a Goth Girl and she's plenty peeved until they bond over their gnarly body ink. Suddenly, the big galoot Townie from 175 minutes ago butts in, wanting to know if this creep is botherin' her. No. Townie responds with angry exposition-- This is JD. His family used to summer on the island. Townie heard JD tried to "whack himself" again, which the writers probably thought sounded all tough n'shit but sounds more like self-stimulation than suicide.

Thanks, it's henna.

Goth Boy has heard enough and attacks Townie, who proceeds to kick his pale tattooed (I'm guessing) ass.
Abby busts up the brawl with her pool cue. A Grizzled Local Cop walks up and Abby says Hi, Dad. Zoinks!

GLC is the sheriff of Harper's Island. It says so on the side of his SUV, which he uses to drop Goth Guy and Abby back at the Candlewick. Henry meets them at the entrance, all worried about Goth Guy, who blows him off with a sneer. Abby remains in the front seat for an awkward chat with Dad. "You're probably wondering about the truck," he says, which is at the very least not predictable. The heater still works. Sheriff Grizzle asks if Abby got his Christmas cards, so obviously they haven't spoken since she high-tailed it to L.A. post-massacre. He'd like to spend time with her now that she's back-- thanks for the ride, Dad. Now eff off. Abby exits the vehicle and heads into the hotel. Sheriff Grizzle looks vaguely disturbed.

Abby broods by a roaring fireplace. Henry approaches and apologizes for sending her out to look for Goth Guy which caused her to run into Sheriff Grizzle. Abby says if she hadn't gone to the bar maybe there wouldn't have been a bar fight, which makes no sense, but whatever, her mom was horribly murdered. I'll let it slide. Henry says he's worried Goth Guy may do something worse than pick a fight. Like try to "whack himself", maybe? Whatever, Henry's fiancee is keeping secrets from him. I'll let it slide. Who was Abby playing pool with?

Cut to dark beach. Slutty jiggles toward the water, Preppy trailing after her. When he suggested swimming, he meant in the pool. Slutty strips down to the network censor equivalent of naked, bra and panties. Preppy clumsily starts to lower his pants, fumbling for the ring. He wants to show her something. First you've got to catch me, Slutty says, flouncing into the frigid ocean. Preppy pauses to shove the ring box back in his pocket. Slutty screams.

Cut to Trish's Sister's suite. Madison goes to her sleeping parents' bed and stares down at them like the sick little puppy she is. Trish's Sis wakes up, startled to see her demon seed. "Did you know people died here?" Madison asks. Who told you that, TS demands, as if Madison has no Google access. My new friend told me, Madison replies with a creepy grin. Let's hope her new friend is a pig named Jodie with glowing red eyes.

Cut to beach. Preppy flails about in the water trying to find Slutty. He hears a voice, then someone yanks him underwater. AIIIEEE! Oh, it's just Slutty being wicked. Preppy is furious and grabs Slutty's head, shoving it under. Now Slutty is furious. She paddles back to shore, seizes Preppy's pants and tosses them in, to his extreme horror. He finds the wet pants but no ring. He screams and screams and screams. I'm telling you, Preppy, you're getting off cheap.

Dunkin' Ho-Sluts

« Rock of Love Bus: Moon Over Miami | Main | The Hills: Nice 'N' Easy Girls Duke It Out »

Posted in Harper's Island by Leia LaBiblia at 11:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Last Comment: leia labiblia on Apr 16, 2009 02:02 AM.