Slutty stomps back through the woods over a wooden footbridge toward the hotel. We hear a scream.
Cut to Trish and Henry, seconds after premarital sex. Trish is afraid she was too loud. Was the scream we just heard Slutty getting killed or just Trish having a helluvan orgasm? Trish excuses herself to the bathroom, covering her private areas with pillows because that's what you do in front of someone who just banged you silly. A cell phone rings. A pink cell phone. Henry picks it up and sees "Hunter Jennings Calling". From the bathroom, Trish says they should get separate rooms so their wedding night will be more special. "Whatever you say, sweetheart," Henry answers, looking more than vaguely disturbed.
WHOSE name did I just call out? OK, just checking.
Cut to woodland foot bridge. Uncle Harry crosses the bridge toward the beach. Suddenly he falls through up to his nipples. His gun bounces out of his blazer and lands a few inches away. He calls out to someone we can't see-- can you give me a hand? Whoever's down there starts doing something really painful to the rest of Uncle Harry. Harry grabs his gun and starts firing down through the bridge, which seems like a really good way to blow one's own junk off. Turns out it doesn't matter because who-or-whatever was down there has severed Uncle Harry at the waist! We don't get to see it in gory close-up, but we do see it, and this is promising, even if it means the end of Uncle Harry, one of the only people in this with a shred of charisma.
Gimme some tongue!
Cut to Abby's room. She enters and discovers a newspaper clipping stuck to her mirror: "Sheriff's Wife Murdered In Violent Rampage". Abby claws the clipping off, upset. They really thought this was a stronger ending than bisected Harry Hamlin?!
CBS really, REALLY wants us to speculate about who the killer might be, and since they do bring us Amazing Race and 48 Hours Mystery, I will indulge them. Here's three theories:
1) It's Slutty, pulling a Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct kinda thing, but much less entertaining.
2) It's Beef Wellington, who will do ANYTHING to prevent his little princess from marrying Henry.
3) It's Abby, who has been in an L.A. mental hospital all this time after suffering a nervous breakdown brought on by witnessing the death of her mom. She killed Cousin Ben the night before the show begins by luring him to the dock with a fiendishly cleverish ruse!
Please feel free to share your own ideas, but do it here and not on the CBS website. You know they'll just delete it if you happen to get it right.
« Rock of Love Bus: Moon Over Miami | Main | The Hills: Nice 'N' Easy Girls Duke It Out »
Comments (7)
I am sooooooo glad you are recapping this trainwreck! I just knew there was a reason to watch it.
Awesome job--can't wait for the next one (recap, that is, not actual episode...)
Ellen-- Are you coming on to me? Stop it, you shameless little jezebel!
1 of 7 | Posted by bluzgirl | Posted on April 15, 2009 8:21 AM
I gave this mess 20 minutes of my time, but decided it just wasn't worth it. Thank you for sacrificing your time to recap it. I, too, cannot wait for the next recap. Truly enjoyed this one. Love your style.
Dear Katrae:
Thanks so much. Your kind words almost make paying attention to this show worthwhile.
LLB
2 of 7 | Posted by katrae | Posted on April 15, 2009 9:16 AM
I have one question: What in God's name does "couch-fu*ker" mean?
Loved the recap, much more interesting than the actual show.
I'm wondering if they're totally going to rip off "And Then There Were None"... Almost makes it worth watching.
Hi Devlin! Burgi played a plastic surgeon with an inanimate-object fetish and fell in lust with Christian & Sean's couch. Then he stripped that hard-muscled forty-something bod naked and tried to have sex with it. You gotta get you some NIP/TUCK on dvd! It is a blast.
LLB
3 of 7 | Posted by Devlin | Posted on April 15, 2009 11:19 AM
Christopher Gorham sort of makes watching this worthwhile...sort of.
4 of 7 | Posted by kelsey | Posted on April 15, 2009 8:11 PM
O Kelsey---
I think your fond memories of POPULAR will be forever stained by this express train to Hackettsville. But at least his SAG health insurance is all paid up.
5 of 7 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on April 15, 2009 11:30 PM
haha hilarious and true! I like it though! Fancast hosts a chat with the recently deceased person from Harper’s Island every Friday at 1pm EST. It's fun :)
6 of 7 | Posted by meg4fancast | Posted on April 16, 2009 12:03 AM
Dearest Meg--
Aren't you sweet. But I'm afraid asking me to chat with the latest victim on Fridays is a little like inviting Anne Frank to sneak out of the attic to attend a cast and crew screening of TRIUMPH OF THE WILL. Inconvenient, sadistic, and very very dangerous.
BFF, LLB
7 of 7 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on April 16, 2009 2:02 AM