This was a crazy week on Hell's Kitchen, and I'm sure that it shall live on in reality tv infamy for many years to come. Not only did Cringing Matt have a total breakdown, but we got to deal with a group of finicky teenagers, an overly Botoxed mom and a twinkling party planner from a different planet. So much ground to cover, and so little time. Let's get started, shall we?
So the show started off the same way it does every single other week with the chefs puffing away on their cigarettes, discussing the most recent elimination. Normally one of the girls is in tears and one of the men is completely pissed. And this week was no different. The angry girl and guy are Christina and Cringing Matt, respectively.
Christina comes outside to the smoking crew, casually sipping on a little plastic cup of red wine -- classy! I don't know all the signs of alcoholism, but I'm pretty sure that one of them is drinking a drink out of an inappropriate glass. Wine out of a plastic tumbler. Beer out of a flower pot. Vodka out of a 2-liter Coke bottle. You get the point. She tells everyone that she's having wine because she deserves it after being on the chopping block twice so far.
Then Christina tells us that people are just intimidated by her because she's book smart, looks great in heels and can cook. Oh yeah, and she's modest too! With all these great assets, she's sure she'll be up for elimination again in the near future.
Sprawled out on the couches like dead banana slugs, Ben and the General discuss their alliance and plan to go after Matt next. But the Cringester and the Toilet Brush are busy having a conversation of their own. (Or, actually, Matt talks while T.B. stares boredly into space.) Totally in denial, per usual, Matt is convinced that it's Ben and Gen who are ruining the team. They are such an item that I think they deserve a Hollywoodized couple name. I now christen them to be known only as "The Beneral." Then Matt cringes and says that once they get rid of him and T.B., they'll turn around and stab Petrozza in the back.
The next morning, the teams meet Chef Ramsay at the regional farmer's market. This is where he announces that for the first time ever, they are hosting a Sweet 16 birthday party. What is with sweet 16s these days anyway? They are SO out of control. I don't even think I had one. But if I did, it probably involved five friends and a large cheese pizza. These days it's all about glitz and glam and spending beyond your means. This concept completely escapes me. But anyway, on to the day's challenge.
Each team has $100 and 20 minutes to go through the market and come up with three dishes for the birthday party -- one appetizer and two entrees. Then they'll have 45 minutes in Hell's Kitchen to prepare the menu and serve it.
The Blue Team starts looking for special meat. And Cringing Matt suggests making a sushi pizza on a tortilla. What? There is not possibly anything in this world that goes together less well than that. Oh except for caviar and white chocolate with capers! The General prays that Matt will shut up because his thinking shows there's something wrong with his brain. Agreed.
The ladies decide to focus on glamour. They pick three glamorous cities from around the world and prepare a dish from each locale. Rosann says that she has a teenage daughter and that 16-year-olds are picky and don't like to try things they can't recognize. I could not agree more. I don't care if you are the richest teenager in the world, all you really want is something that you can easily microwave in a safe foil sleeve and eat on the go. Or something with a reasonable amount of grease. But the ladies offer up fancy suggestions, and Corey pushes pomegranate because it is "trendy." I love that fruits can be trendy, p.s. Oh, and, I don't eat oranges anymore. They are SO last month.
It's really funny with the guys because Matt is brooding and storming around and making suggestions, but they collectively ignore him and his dumbass ideas.
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Comments (15)
I first anticipated from the previous week that we would see Julia returning.
Seriously, are any of these guys likable? They're all attitude, no ability. Even G-Ram knows that they all suck.
And someone really needs to smack the shit out of Corey.
1 of 15 | Posted by you you you | Posted on May 11, 2008 12:23 PM
All I gotta say is that Corey is one delusional, egotistical, condesceding beeotch!!! Hate her!!
Great recap! :)
2 of 15 | Posted by jojobear | Posted on May 11, 2008 4:41 PM
Great recap.
I can't believe that dumbass Matt made it through yet ANOTHER round. His face is enough to keep me in a perpetual pissed off state every single week. He's a worthless sack of skin and the women are really in for a helluva horrible time with that clown cringing in their kitchen.
It's a pity about Shayna. She was finally starting to make herself known on the show, only to be cast off...meanwhile, Rosann and her "cooking skills" have made it yet another week. What with RamJam cooking for her and all?!?! I would've packed her bags for her myself!
3 of 15 | Posted by jaded | Posted on May 11, 2008 5:15 PM
Fabulous recap, as usual :).
On to the evil:
Corey is annoying and thikns she's hot shit. Toilet Brush is GAY that's why he was all Asian beaver face (anyone else think that was really inappropriate, that would be like me, a black chick, saying "No massa, I dun wanna get in the hot tub with ya") and refusing to get in the tub with her.
The Beneral is irritating but at least they actually cook stuff and get it out on time-ish. They actually seem to want to WIN and know that it takes moving your ass to do it.
Shayna is slow, yes, but it has nothing to do with her being overweight (jackass Corey). You could be 500 pounds and chop vegetables quickly. Mario Batali (my absolute fav Iron Chef and overall sweetheart) is a big fella but he gets around the kitchen on Iron Chef. Shut your face, Corey. I bet she's just pissed because she couldn't get into modeling or some other dumb shit.
Petrozza is just here because he never really screws up worse than anyone else.
Rosann can't cook meat properly. I don't know what she was doing but omg. I can cook steak better than her and I've literally burned a pan trying to boil water (don't ask).
4 of 15 | Posted by PixieGal262 | Posted on May 11, 2008 8:40 PM
Christina: Shut your ugly, Whoface. She looks like a child and acts like a child. "I can read a book"???? So can a four year old, dumbass.
Cringing Matt...og Cringing Matt. I can't even look at his face without wanting to punch him. He was definitely the fat kid at school. He has a very soft voice that doesn't carry so everything he says sounds like he's about to cry when he says it. He's the uncool person who thinks he's cool. He is delusional. He thinks the Beneral is the reason the blue team was going down? Now he's gonna eff up the chicks with his very special brand of dumbassery.
By the way, he totally looks like Jake Gyllenhall's ugly uncle (and I totally imdb'd him to find out just how you spell his last name).
5 of 15 | Posted by PixieGal262 | Posted on May 11, 2008 8:47 PM
Ok, two things here...first, what happend to the chef that was returning?
Second, when Fransico was introducing the queen of the day, did anyone else think it was going to be J. Phillipe?
:)
6 of 15 | Posted by Pappy | Posted on May 12, 2008 10:09 AM
Just an observation, but doesn't Matt look like he's smelling a fart each time we see him cringing (which is each time we see him)? That guy is a real douche.
Corey sure likes herself, doesn't she? :) Pathetic.
I was REALLY hoping for a Julia return, myself. Bring her back, G-Ram! She can win this whole thing!!
7 of 15 | Posted by marksangel | Posted on May 12, 2008 10:15 AM
Just an observation, but doesn't Matt look like he's smelling a fart each time we see him cringing (which is each time we see him)? That guy is a real douche.
Corey sure likes herself, doesn't she? :) Pathetic.
I was REALLY hoping for a Julia return, myself. Bring her back, G-Ram! She can win this whole thing!!
8 of 15 | Posted by marksangel | Posted on May 12, 2008 10:17 AM
So many rants, I don't know where to begin, but here goes.
First, the party planner. Wasn't that the same actor who was the wedding planner last year? And how many times does Ramsey say "for the first time ever in Hell's Kitchen...."
Matt: Not since Josh last season have I seen someone so incompetent survive week after week. He is horrible. Two weeks in a row he sends out raw food. He can't last long.
Mystery chef: If Matt is the mystery chef joining the girls, why did FOX show a promo showing someone behind a closed door about to enter the kitchen?
Elimination: How bad is this group? The two people that stayed served raw fish and raw steak. One week, I'd like Ramsey to send multiple chefs packing. Of course, FOX couldn't stretch this out to Labor Day that way.
9 of 15 | Posted by belmont | Posted on May 12, 2008 2:30 PM
Okay, I could have sworn I saw a wedding ring on Matt's hand.
If he is married, then whoever this woman is, my god, you are my hero. If I had to look at that cringing face day in and day out, I would probably lose it.
10 of 15 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 12, 2008 4:01 PM
Cringing Matt = Human form of Burt from Sesame Street
11 of 15 | Posted by keelaurow | Posted on May 12, 2008 5:14 PM
Great recap! Where DID they get this group of "chefs" this year? Seriously, I'm not sure I'd let a one of them work in my kitchen, much less run it! Makes me feel less bad for them when GR hollers at them.
Corey and the Beneral have seriously cocky attitudes without a whole lot to show for it, other than being less incompetent than the competition which is an extremely low bar! And don't even get me started on the Amazing Cringer himself!
And sorry to say, but the "Sexy Men of Hell's Kitchen" calendar might have to lose a few months. Or 12. "Sexy Men of Top Chef" would be a lot easier to publish...
12 of 15 | Posted by ChicagoGal | Posted on May 13, 2008 9:27 AM
Sorry, but this is driving me crazy and I've seen it more than once here.
The phrase is "take the REINS." As in reins on a horse's bridle, to control the animal.
Reigns = what a King or Queen does over subjects (rules).
Reins = Straps of leather that control a 1200-pound prey animal that can run fast, and kick and bite hard. "Dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle" - David Niven
13 of 15 | Posted by killbondnow | Posted on May 13, 2008 1:04 PM
--And sorry to say, but the "Sexy Men of Hell's Kitchen" calendar might have to lose a few months. Or 12.--
Unless they just alternate months between Gordon and Jean-Philippe. God, I love that Belgian waffle!
14 of 15 | Posted by coolbyrne | Posted on May 16, 2008 4:00 PM
Thankyou, killbondnow, for your astute correction.
Seriously.
I cannot be the only trainspotter on this site (not something I am particularly proud of, as "nobody likes a know-it-all" echoes in my ears).
I frequently have to quell the urge to correct people, but then I often also wonder, surely people rather get something right than continue to display their ignorance?
~~~
MandaMo, I can't remember if I said this previously, but you officially ROCK! Hilarious recap, doll!
15 of 15 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on May 17, 2008 4:23 AM