Welcome back for episode 2 of Hell's Kitchen !
Previously on Hell's kitchen 16 chefs arrived......I think we are using the word "chef" a little loosely here. 16 people arrived. People may be stretching it a little too. A bunch of fucktards made the cut and now are trying to become the winner of Hell's Kitchen. And this guy came back.
Louie the Loser went home before first service and McFuckface creeped Gordon out more than Tequila girl and she got sent packing. Now on to a fresh week! As the "chef's" leave the kitchen with their tails between their ass cheeks, McByPass tells us "Fat boy wid a dream is back and I am going to lead my team to victory. Or I'm gonna die trying." Dude shut up. God can HEAR YOU!
Everyone mumbles shit about sucking, the girls immediately question McByPass about his skills and the boys are skeerd shitless. AD tells us that after a night of disaster Gordon offers some encouragement.
Gordon has a challenge for them. It's a shrimp peeling challenge. Whichever team peels and cleans and passes the Gordon Ramsey whatthefuckisthatshit test wins.
Shrimp rains from the sky and then everyone scrambles to grab some and get to cleaning. With shrimp you have to pull their little fucking heads off, peel them and cut down their back to pull out the little shitty vein, intestine, whatever. Since there are more on the Red Team Lovely does what she does best and sits this one out.
Next up the guys go for it and wouldn't ya know it suddenly we have a tie! With only one shrimp left to decide the fate of the losers! WHAT ARE THE ODDS I ASK? And since Gordon can't find a sack the Blue Team wins! Yay. Only they don't get to celebrate for long because Gordon takes this opportunity to single out WhoopiG and call her ass out on her extreme suckiness. Rude.
And the punishment is....shrimp cleaning. They will be serving shrimp cocktails tonight made entirely by the Red Team. Ya know, cause it just makes sense to have the people who suck at it the most actually prepare it for others. Oh Gordon.
The boys however, get to spend the day on a yacht eating seafood and showing off their flabby white asses. In the meantime, we get to see the suck team prepping lemons. And Tek says she has gotten to know these lemons better than some people she's slept with.
Out come the Blue team on their way to their prize and this gives Ariel the chance to blame WhoopiG for all their woes. Nothing like team spirit is there? Fatty McByPass decides he needs a break and WhoopiG says look, tubazoid, these lemons need doing and doing now. Or something to that effect. Tennille (WhoopyG) says she needs to grab the reins and make up for her mistakes. This pisses Suzanne (who?) off who tells her she ain't taken no shit off her.
Lovely as usual has her priorities straight and wants to know when they are going to be eating.
Ok over at The Cannery, the Blue Team should be enjoying themselves. Instead GI Blow, oh sorry I have been informed by someone in the know, (my husband) that if Joseph was a marine, then he would be known as a Jarhead. (Sigh) See,the husband was in the Army and he knows these things. (Sigh) So basically I guess I should be calling this douchebag Jarhead Blow instead of G.I. Blow. (Like I paid attention when he was in the Army, hello I was out.....nevermind) So anyway Jarhead Blow claims he ain't there for lunches and whatnot he's there for..who the hell knows? Oh yeah, to keep his eye on the prize. This is after Ramsey tells them about how much shit he had to take in order to become the chef he is. So he's disrespecting Gordon. He must die.
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Comments (18)
"And if Al Sharpton shows up at my house I will distract his fat ass with Krispy Kreme donuts and then beat the shit out of his fake ass old woman perm with a fucking stick"
OMFG I died laughing so hard that I think I am officially dead.
______Flatlined_______!
1 of 18 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on July 28, 2009 5:19 PM
Your Al Sharpton section practically did me in LOL!!!
As for Jarhead...I'm tellin' ya: he's playing Psycho from "Stripes."
2 of 18 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on July 28, 2009 6:06 PM
Cherie,
I just woke up my four year old because I was laughing so hard at this.
The Al Sharpton section was awesome, but the part I lost it over was flipit and the rubber balls (sorry flipit!!). I'm still giggling about it now.
Love it!
SWAK, PottyMouth
3 of 18 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on July 28, 2009 6:41 PM
Great recap, Cherie!
Does anyone else think Tony looks kind of like Chris Kattan?
4 of 18 | Posted by fierytopaz | Posted on July 28, 2009 8:00 PM
This recap was THE funniest one yet. I love the names you have given them - so appropriate!! I am still laughing just thinking about it, please keep doing what you do!!!! Lots of love for the work you do.
5 of 18 | Posted by gypsymom27 | Posted on July 28, 2009 9:35 PM
That was the best! I was laughing so hard that my co-workers wanted to know why. I can't even choose my favorite part, it was all great. Thanks for the laugh!Take care.
6 of 18 | Posted by MelBell | Posted on July 28, 2009 10:19 PM
"Everyone is screaming at Tony to get the scallops out. He's running around like my dog when I give him peanut butter."
I love that line (it narrowly beat out dropping off meemaw at the mall and telling her to find her way to the Gap), and I love this show. Take a bunch of slack jawed mouth breathers, drop them into a work environment with open flames and sharp objects, and just to make it interesting, let some joker who doesn't even speak American swear at them on a non-stop basis. All for the chance to be chef de dish station at Ramsey's restaurant. Do you really need anything else for quality TV?
Loved the recap Cherie, and can't wait for the next one.
7 of 18 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on July 28, 2009 10:30 PM
I'm gonna have to say Suzbland looks like an ugly version of Juno to me.
"Ramsey says, "WHAY?""
Hahahahaha!!!!1
I love the fact that Jarhead Blow is throwing down as hard as he can with his own brand of whigger/whitepepper slang in his phoney Malibu's Most Wanted "gangsta" accent, and Gordon probably doesn't fully understand what the f*ck he's even saying..LOL!
8 of 18 | Posted by Knackered | Posted on July 29, 2009 4:37 AM
Yay Cherie!
Great recap! Can't wait to read more!
9 of 18 | Posted by rubinia | Posted on July 29, 2009 8:31 AM
Still working on this, but is hilarious so far. Your comment about the three small things just sitting there makes me question if it was not you who posted a picture of a pooping dog and it had something to do with alimony?
Anywho, great recap, and timely too! Helps pass the day at work.
10 of 18 | Posted by tadow | Posted on July 29, 2009 10:13 AM
It's just not a Hell's Kitch without some attempt to serve raw chicken.
Every now and again I will randomly bellow "You're going to KILL SUM-BODEE!!" at our place.
Cherie, darling, hilarious recap, but those of us who aren't actually watching the show this time need a bit more detail on what's happening in order to follow along.
Having said that, I might just see if this ep is still sitting on my tivo... It looked like a pretty good one.
11 of 18 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on July 29, 2009 12:14 PM
It's too bad that Jarhead Blow was such a dick, cause he was kinda cute. Til he opened his mouth.
12 of 18 | Posted by suckitbitches | Posted on July 29, 2009 12:57 PM
Oh Cherie....you had me at McByPass...I am now a devoted fan. So much that I had to stop reading to tell you how much I LOVE this recap. "What the hell comes after Cougar? T-Rex? "
I can't stop snickering.
13 of 18 | Posted by K_Lo | Posted on July 29, 2009 1:20 PM
THE BEST RECAP EVER for the best season ever. I'm so glad they decided to ditch the whole pesky "cooking" competition and just go with the whole train wreck thing. YAY! I know Baby Blow Jarhead's prolly gonna hafta leave but man he's my fave. Nothing like a good ole' crazypants to make the summer fun.
14 of 18 | Posted by Bremm | Posted on July 29, 2009 2:42 PM
I have to say that the recap was hilarious!! I was a bit disappointed when Potty Mouth said she wasn't going to be recapping Hell's Kitchen...but all's fine now!! Keep it up!!
I'm pegging Dave, Kevin, and Ariel for the Top 3. Even though Dave and Kevin were injured they still busted it especially Kevin. Ariel seems like the best of the girls at this point.
15 of 18 | Posted by hm21 | Posted on July 29, 2009 6:38 PM
@hm21: See? I knew you'd love Cherie! She is made of awesome.
Cherie, I can't wait to see your take on the next round with these loosahs!!
SWAK, PottyMouth
16 of 18 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on July 30, 2009 3:43 AM
PottyMouth when I realized I was stepping into your shoes I almost vomited I was so scared. Girl you are my hero. Well you and flipit and his whole sex ball thing, but anyway thank you for being so gracious. You my friend are a serious class act.
Love ya,
Cherie
17 of 18 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on July 30, 2009 4:03 AM
Hey -- to yeschef and crankyguy, who (previously) claimed "Risotto is really really easy to cook" I say yes and no.
It's relatively easy to cook, but very difficult to gain the same consistency and same result *consistently*
I have been cooking risotto at home for years and years. I use a timer (chefs and cooks wouldn't do that) and do it the same way, stirring for the same period of time, every single time. But because I make my own stock, its flavour and volume will vary.
So although I am very practiced at it, I doubt I could cook a risotto that would satisfy Chef RamJam - or any restaurant standard - every time I prepared it.
18 of 18 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on August 4, 2009 12:59 PM