With all this Big Brother hoopla taking over TVgasm, I nearly forgot about our wee cooking show, Hell's Kitchen. Kind of surprising since this rookie series (in the U.S.) owes much of its grainy and stagnant camera work to that reality behemoth. Nevertheless, there was plenty of drama this week in G-Ram's restaurant, and while the show still strains to be more than just patently good, it does manage to leave us with a full stomach -- unlike most of the diners.
This week's episode began in the wake of Mary Ellen's surprise departure. With a wave of guilt overcoming her, Jessica ran off to the bathroom where she bawled in a stall. I always get excited for the bathroom cam because I hold out hope that maybe, just maybe, someone will get a kidney stone again. Unfortunately, lightning -- and calcium deposits -- don't strike twice. Hmmm... maybe Ralphy Boy will stir things up with another egregious erection instead. Or maybe Jimmy will simply take the world's largest shit (you know it's bound to happen one of these days).
N-E-hoo, while Jessica cried by her pee-pee, the narrator piped up to state the obvious once again: "Although Andrew wasn't sent home this time, he knows he is far from safe." Really! Seeing him cradling his head in his hands surely seemed like a cocky gesture of confidence! I hate you, narrator.
Speaking of Andrew, he had this to say: "This is the most hostile environment I've ever worked in, and THAT is hell." Ahem, Hell's Kitchen, if you will. Seriously, finish off the pun or get off my TV, jerk.
Meanwhile, in the dorms (or "soundstage basement" as I like to call it), Ralph and everyone else chowed down post-elimination. Andrew, however, was not present. "He's probably in psycho-therapy right now," joked Elsie in her Fat Albert voice. Well, Andrew wasn't in therapy, but if a few guys with a straight jacket and some cattle prods showed up, I wouldn't be surprised. The hidden cams caught Andrew alone in his bedroom doing some wonderful schizo routines. Seriously, Adrian Brody would be proud. "I'm still doing something right. I'm still doing something right. I'm still doing something right," Andrew muttered over and over and over again before snapping and yelling, "I SUCKED IT!" YES! Psychotic meltdown! Paging Tom Cruise. We have a vulnerable headcase in need of Xenu. Dr. Cruise! Dr. Cruise!
The next morning, the narrator explained to us, "Individuals are trying to shine." The narrator then added, "You see, when I say 'shine', I don't mean literally like in terms of brightness. I mean that they're all trying to get noticed, be superstars, if you will. Maybe I'm not making myself clear. What I'm trying to say is... I'm sorry, I'm not very articulate. Oh, you understand? Really? Because I can explain it some more."
Anyway, after assembling the Red and Blue teams, Gordon asked Ralph who he felt was the strongest link. Of course, Ralph said he was, but then he added, "Oh, did you say 'link'? I thought you asked, 'Who has the biggest morning wood right now.' Never mind." By the way, in case you're just joining us, I make these jokes because Ralph had a GI-NORMOUS boner last week. I'll probably be making fun of him for it until he's eliminated (much the same way I harped on Mary Ellen's endive obsession).
G-Ram then asked Chris who he thought the strongest chef on his team was, and like Ralph, Chris said he was tops. Wow, over Michael? Hmmm... that's kind of, I don't know, not correct. But whatever. Chris then singled Jimmy out for being the worst, to which the portly chef replied (to us, at least) "I'm gonna show him that the weakest can go from the bottom to the top." Yeah, that's great. Just don't drop anything, Señor Klutzsky.
With this silly segment over, Chef Ramsey announced that Hell's Kitchen would be scrapping its menu and turning into a pasta restaurant. Or as Gordo calls it, "pass-ta." We then watched as he demonstrated how to properly make pasta. "Chef Ramsey demonstrates how to properly make pasta," noted the narrator in yet another obtuse and unnecessary observation. Is anyone else sensing a drinking game coming on? Take a shot every time the narrator needlessly explains obvious action. I swear, I'll do it this Monday, and I'll liveblog the whole thing. Seriously.
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Comments (14)
Love the still of Chris hearing of his betrayal...but that robotic head-turn should've been a video! It was hysterical. His head stayed perfectly still as his neck...I dunno...he looked like one of the Thunderbird puppets or a member of Team America.
Elsie, who I alternately like/hate, is getting a classic "winner's edit." I hope it's a swerve...Go Ralph, you well-hung schlub.
1 of 14 | Posted by Mike | Posted on July 1, 2005 12:57 PM
Oh! Please, please, please liveblog! Post the rules so we can play along too.
2 of 14 | Posted by mountain girl | Posted on July 1, 2005 1:27 PM
I have waited with baited breath for your summary of Hell's Kitchen. You didn't disappoint, except for the terminally long wait. Very entertaining.
I didn't even notice that Michael had tucked Chris in. How creepy! Oh, and shut up Elsie, we already have one blathering narrator so we don't need her as the mini-narrator. Michael's silliloquy to the billboard god looked contrived and it brought the show down. It looked like someone had written it for him. I still don't get how "inspiring" G-Ram is to his chefs when he tells Jimmy to "Take a walk, lose some weight". And how smart is it to tell your customers who are paying to eat your food to "Lose some pounds". If he was trying to lose pounds, he wouldn't be eating at a pass-ta restaurant? Am I the only one who thought it was unfair that one team had 3 while the other had 4? Ironically, Michael's Lasagna Conspiracy backfired in his face as everyone loved the blue team's lasagna which caused his red team to lose. They weren't lying when they advised people that they couldn't go wrong with the lasagna.
Brilliant elimination strategy on Michael's part. Either he gets rid of Elsie who he can't stand or Chris who was his biggest competition. Win/win. And then he kept Jimmy who is not his competition.
Please B-side, don't make us wait so long next week for your comments! It's killing us!
3 of 14 | Posted by NH | Posted on July 1, 2005 1:32 PM
I liked the part right before Ralph started to schill his bowls of Tuscany he bad mouthed JP saying "we have the worst matordee(I have no idea of how to spell this word so deal with it) here" The look on JP's Face when he heard him is deserving of a screencap. Also JP got the wrath of Gordon a few times in this episode although it was G-Ram lite.
4 of 14 | Posted by GNARKILL | Posted on July 1, 2005 2:58 PM
Most annoying narrator comment of this episode was,I believe, the first one...:"contestants are reeling after another unexpected elimination." Really? Nobody expected that someone would be going home?
I really enjoyed Michael's courtyard schizophrenic rants, and wonder why we are only getting to see this now, if he supposedly does this every night. Tucking Chris into bed was an extra special moment.
Please do a live blog. If not, please don't make me suffer so long next week for the recap.
5 of 14 | Posted by Passsssta | Posted on July 1, 2005 6:20 PM
FINALLY!
Okay, okay, I know it's been a busy week. Thank you, thank you.
6 of 14 | Posted by The Narrator | Posted on July 1, 2005 7:29 PM
I would like to see a live blog too!
7 of 14 | Posted by runswithscissors | Posted on July 1, 2005 8:39 PM
I hate Ramsey, he's just a football hooligan who got lucky with some food. He pulled some stunt whereby he told some vegetarians he'd made a vege pizza but he laced it with ham, and proceeded to laugh as they threw up. Hey maybe he'll make some satay for nut allergy sufferers in Hell's Kitchen! That'd be a BALL. Those contestants are just plain weird....
8 of 14 | Posted by zia | Posted on July 1, 2005 8:46 PM
Zia- Actually the story is he told some vegetarians that a dish was made with vegetable stock but it was actually chicken stock, his publicist later said it was Ramsay joking around. Either way; Ramsay fucking rocks!
9 of 14 | Posted by GNARKILL | Posted on July 1, 2005 9:57 PM
Rules?
thank you for the re cap.....i had no idea what happened on the bleeping show other than michael appearing as crazy as a shit house rat...it was same old same old...
Gram is becoming passe' fast it does seem. I wonder ...did he ever get his 3rd star?
10 of 14 | Posted by having fun | Posted on July 2, 2005 5:16 AM
This show would be so much more interesting if the restaurant was actually real, and if the chefs were dealing with all the variables that restaurants throw at you. What is it with these "reality" shows that feel the need to micromanage every facet of production? As it is the show has no drama other than "who will be eliminated?"
And did anyone else get a letdown from the prize that the winners of the challenge got? Ramsay kept talking about how amazing it was, and then they just went out in a gondola in L.A. harbor and drank some wine. Laaaaaaame.
I watched the reality TV cooking show on PBS later in the week, and was far more interested in it than in this show. Imagine, a cooking reality show that actually deals with food! Crazy.
11 of 14 | Posted by Dave J. | Posted on July 2, 2005 9:42 AM
I honestly thought Chris was gonna make it to the end.
12 of 14 | Posted by British | Posted on July 3, 2005 10:29 AM
Awesome recap! Michael was smart and got rid of a person who could possibly beat him at the end.
13 of 14 | Posted by 3blue | Posted on July 3, 2005 12:28 PM
Watch out Paul Newman. Watch out Ragu! Pasta + Jimmy's Sweat = Tasty Spaghetti Sauce.
They should have hung the pasta from Ralph's boner. Cut to Andrew screaming, "Fluffy and beautiful!"
14 of 14 | Posted by Coconut | Posted on July 3, 2005 2:26 PM