Ladies and Gentlgasmii, welcome to Season 5 of Hell's Kitchen!! Grab your tongs, put on those aprons and get ready for a mother-plucking funfest of cooking, crying, and my personal favorite, Cursing. Wooooo!
We swoop through the hills and valleys of Hollywood accompanied by the inspirational tinkling of piano keys. At last, we have reached our destination. Oh crud. The creepy and annoying narrator is back. Bleh. Hate. Him. SO. Much.
Anyway, C&A tells us..."Over the past four years, dozens of hopefuls have entered Hell's Kitchen with a dream...But, to accomplish that dream they would have to please Master Chef Gordon Ramsey." I am so not going there. At least not yet. Did you know he would put them through HELL? Well, he would. We get a memories montage that goes a little something like this:
Four great chefs would emerge and Chef Ramsey would change their lives forever. Or for a year. Same difference. This year, thousands have auditioned, but only sixteen will be chosen. Three hundred chefs (extras) were invited to Hell's Kitchen to meet their idol and find out who has been chosen.
Jean-Phillipe! I have missed you so. As JP announces the chosen ones, all the chextras whoop and holler for them. The first contestant we get to meet up close and personal is Danny. Danny is 23 and an executive chef from Florida. He is also a self-proclaimed GOD of cooking. He will dwarf the competition with his cooking.
Next!! Here we have Ben, a 26 year old executive sous chef from Chicago. He tells us he is extremely passionate about food, and also sometimes comes off as intense. He also seems to sweat. A lot.
This year's prize is the coveted position of head chef at the Borgata Hotel. In Atlantic City. Feh. We get little snippets of the season which include chefs yelling at chefs, Ramsey yelling at chefs, a chef yelling "You couldn't cook my dick!" and JP making fun of one of the girls. Did I mention my love for JP? According to C&A this is going to be the MOST intense, thrilling, amusing, shocking, and AWESOME season EVAH. Fasten your seatbelts, because we are clear for take off.
Opening credits. I think that these may be the most lame yet. I refuse to describe them beyond saying that they remind me of one of Rick Moranis' inventions from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids or one of the subsequent sequels. After the lame-o credits, we are right back in the kitchen. The contestants have already been divided into the Men v. Women teams, and everyone is busy preparing their signature dishes for tasting.
So. From my point of view, these dishes had better kick some serious ass. EVERY season starts with the contestants cooking signature dishes, so by season 5 every single person should have something spectacular to show him, right, right? I mean, at this point, not having perfected your signature dish is like going on Survivor not knowing how to build a fire, or going on Top Chef without a freaking dessert recipe. SHIT. These had better be fucking great.
Amid the hustle and bustle of the kitchen we are introduced to a few more contestants. LA (L.A. that is, not lah) informs us that she got goose bumps as Ramsey was walking by her in the kitchen, but never fear all you single ladies out there, she is into chicks, not dicks. Given the fact that she is a line cook I am not surprised - those gals have to be tough to hang.
And now, my favorite moment of the evening thus far. Meet Lacey. Lacey is a 24 year old corporate buffet cook from North Carolina. She enjoys looking in the mirror and blowing kisses at herself. Let's ask Lacey to tell us all a little bit about herself...."People probably look at me and be, oh, here's another Pretty Girl, trying to be a cook." I wonder how she be knowing exactly what I is thinking?!?
Giovanni (37, executive chef) started cooking because it was an easy way to get a girl to his house. Instead of taking her out to dinner. Oh, and BTW, did you know food is an aphrodisiac? Add wine to that, and woo hoo, you are ready to move on to the next level. **Sigh**. Ugch.
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Comments (18)
Haha great recap! Seth looks like Alfred E. Neuman to me. And Colon is a great name for Miss Manners. I just don't know how PrettyGirl leaves her house every day without being mobbed. She's sooo pretty. Get a clue. And a mirror!
Thanks for the much needed laugh this morning!
1 of 18 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on February 1, 2009 12:55 AM
I was beyond ecstatic to hear the C&A's new voice because...he's gotten rid of that weird "SCHSSSS" thing he used to do. He's still got a bit of a problem with kitchen (kitschssen) and he still says "blue" like he's burping it out, but you take the good with the bad.
Oh. m. gee. I laughed so hard when PrettyGirl said it's always this way working with women. Um...yea...it is totally their problem, not yours. You are so pretty and perfect. That chick looks like she used to weigh a lot less and was pretty and popular. Then something happened in her life to cause her to gain weight and lose her self-esteem which she then 180'd into narcissism.
Woman you have no chin. Shut up about being "pretty".
2 of 18 | Posted by pixiegal262 | Posted on February 1, 2009 3:59 AM
Great recap! I almost choked on my breakfast when the pic of Giovanni "cooking you sumtink" popped up... lolol!
I think Seth looks a little like Harry Connick Jr, except uglier. And much dumber.
3 of 18 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on February 1, 2009 8:36 AM
Funny recap. But I am so incredibly disappointed in Will's going home. He was so honest and... cute. I love gay men.
4 of 18 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on February 1, 2009 8:53 AM
Seth looks like Tim Blake Nelson (Delmar in O Brother, Where Art Thou).
I missed this, darn. Will definitely watch now, after your fab recap. Pretty girl will be mighty entertaining, if she lasts.
5 of 18 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on February 1, 2009 8:57 AM
" missed this, darn."
Fox.com puts the episodes online in high quality the day after the episode airs.
6 of 18 | Posted by yeschef | Posted on February 1, 2009 12:20 PM
I think Seth looks like Brent Hinkley. The "Sideler" Elaine gave the Tic-Tacs to on Seinfeld.
7 of 18 | Posted by Robot_Chicken | Posted on February 1, 2009 9:03 PM
Fantastic fucking recap, PottyMouth! Some really priceless observations, there.
This crew seem a whole lot less douch-ey than last season's crop of misfits.
I dunno who that guy looks like but I thought Wil reminded me of Doogie Howser...
SHUT IT DOWN, you PLANK!
8 of 18 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 1, 2009 11:24 PM
PottyMouth! Awesome job, I totally laughed myself into boogersnots... I think Seth looks like Dave Kerpen (the only "non-beautiful" contestant with man-boobs from the first season of "Paradise Hotel" on Fox) only Dave was sexier. Big Boy Robert makes me get hungry just LOOKIN' at him. And PrettyGirl... thy name is Delusion.
Great job, loved it!
love, J-Mo :)
9 of 18 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 2, 2009 10:28 AM
Seth looks a little like Bill Paxton...I sure wish Gordon would have sent this guy home. But I think GR immediately hated Wil...and Seth will cause more controversy, making for better TV.
Pretty Girl must have vision problems. Yikes.
10 of 18 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on February 2, 2009 11:10 AM
Awesome recap! Spot on with PrettyGirl and Colon. Seth reminds me of our former president, Dubya ... who reminds me of Alfred E. Neuman, so I have to agree with Cherie.
11 of 18 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on February 2, 2009 4:39 PM
Thanks for all your great comments, you guys! I would especially like to thank everyone that contributed answers to the Seth=? question. It was seriously making me nutty!
DMG - good call on Wil. He does sort of look like a younger, dorkier version of NPH.
As for PrettyGirl, I can only hope she makes it really really far so I can continue to enjoy her delusion with all of you. Is it wrong to make fun of the mentally ill? :)
SWAK, PottyMouth
12 of 18 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on February 3, 2009 5:04 AM
Pottymouth I totally loved your recap. Intro episodes are always the hardest and you were awesome.
I may be dating myself, but I swear Seth reminds me of the Mad Magazine comic book guy. Or do the kids still read Mad Magazine?
Hugs,
Yenta
13 of 18 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on February 3, 2009 7:06 AM
^ @ yentapatrol:
...the Mad Magazine comic book guy.
ya don't mean Alfred E. Neuman, do you? ::confused face::
@ yentapatrol: Or do the kids still read Mad Magazine?
I don't think they do, fellow old timer...
Hey PottyMOuth - I notice neither of us said "Wil does sort of look like a younger GAYER version of NPH."
hmmmnnnnnnnnn
14 of 18 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 3, 2009 8:31 PM
Great recap PottyMouth! I'm excited about this season, I must say..
PrettyGirl needs to get a mirror and a clue. And perhaps some sort of document stating she's mentally capable of working with sharp objects. Colon...she kinda reminds me of my mom so I can't really say much about her. Except that my mom doesn't charge fools $300 to prove that she can't cook. As for Seth, I'm seeing Alfred E. Neuman and Howdy Doody all rolled into one slightly creepy package.
15 of 18 | Posted by jaded | Posted on February 5, 2009 7:44 PM
Excellent recap. Excellent.
16 of 18 | Posted by User Name | Posted on February 7, 2009 6:48 PM
Bwahahaha!!!
Awesome Recap!!
17 of 18 | Posted by janicepink | Posted on February 15, 2009 5:01 AM
Seth looks like Terry from Reno 911...when I saw him with his headband on shucking scallops.....I got it!
18 of 18 | Posted by K_Lo | Posted on April 4, 2009 9:06 PM