TVgasm Recaps: Your Source for Heroes

Heroes: Planes, Trains and Automobiles

This week on Heroes: all the people who took last week off are back. Last week: Hiro and HRG and Samuel and Sylar. This week: Claire and Peter... and HRG and Samuel and Sylar. Never mind. I thought I had something there but I guess not. Maybe it'll come back to me. Let us return to Scooby-Doo and the Case of the Invisible Sorority Killer. Shag and Scoob just saw ~~Daphne~~ Claire heal up after being impaled on a meathook and are naturally a bit freaked. You must be tripping, is Claire's response. No really. She says she just had a hallucination, so Becky must have slipped something in their Dasani. Is there any drug you can put in water that doesn't change the taste? Probably not, but we're dealing with sorority girls here. ~~Velma~~ Gretchen pipes up and says she saw Shaggy and Scooby making out. And when you call them Shaggy and Scooby it sounds a lot grosser than two sorority girls making out would actually be. And just like that, the cat goes back in the bag.

Which sounds a lot naughtier than "Claire's secret is still safe". On second thought, maybe not.

BO-ring. One day, Heroes. One day there will be too many memories to erase and the secret will be out. That's the episode I can't wait to see. Claire is ready to wash her hands of this mess, but Gretchen is taking all this a lot more seriously now that it's her life in danger. Run, Retchin. Run away and never come back.

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Heroes: Retcon Back Kotter

Tonight on Heroes, Charlie!!

Um...you have something in your eye.

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Heroes: Suicide By Plot Hole

Welcome back, Heroes fans. If you've gotten sick of Good Sylar lately, this episode promises plenty of Bad Sylar for your guilty pleasure. Are you a Claire/Gretchen shipper? You're in the right place. For the rest of us... I'll try to make this quick and painless. It's a rainy night in LA (that right there should tell you something weird is going on) there's a nice fire going and the Parkman Manor windows are all steamed up. The episode title, "Strange Attractors", is written on the window.

All we're missing is Kate Winslet's hand on the glass.

Sure enough, there are some Strange Attractors getting their freak on inside. Janice Parkman is taking a ride on the Sylar train. Before you can do more than throw up in your mouth a little, the scene is over and Matt's waking up. It was all a dream! Or was it? Janice wakes up and makes morning-after eyes at him, so it was really Bad Sylar in charge last night and our Mrs. Parkman has a thing for bad boys. I think I liked Sylar better when he'd rather slice people open than do them. Remember when we all thought he was eating brains? Good times.

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Heroes: Death Kid For Petey

I'm going to leave the boring preambles to Samuel this week. He's doing another voiceover and beating us over the head with the episode theme. Sylar can't remember who he is, so he's a broken vessel, a ghost, a blank slate. He has no compass to guide him. BUT Hiro does, because the body thrives when the heart has a mission blah blah Sambabble. Now we're in the hospital room with Hiro and Peter watching over him. The episode title is written on Hiro's blanket. FOREIGN EPISODE TITLE STOLEN FROM LOST ALERT!! "Tabula rasa" means "blank slate" in Latin and the phrase comes from psychology, if I remember right from when they used it on Lost. You can read more about it here.

Gotcha! You've just been herolled again! (I decided to change the name from Katt-rolling. Call it retroactive continuity, and if you don't know what that is, I have a massive Comic Book Lecture coming up on the subject one of these weeks.)

So if you paid attention to the comments from last week's recap, you know that's two titles in a row that come from the land of Freud. I heard next week's episode is titled Penis Envy. Hiro wakes up and Peter hands him his glasses. Peter says the doctors told Peter that Hiro is going to die of a brain tumor, which Hiro knows already.

I hope Hiro brought his Tamagotchi Industries checkbook. I saw Sicko, you know.

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Heroes: You've Just Been Katt-Rolled

So I just got back from my pilgrimage to see the Mouse, and I haven't even watched last week's Heroes yet. I have read Flipit's awesome recap of last week, though. Looks like he fast-forwarded through the boring stuff, but I think I'm caught up on the important parts. Like how Sylar, the Character Briefly Known As Fathan, got himself whacked by Swoosie Kurtz for trying to do the right thing. He's dug himself out now and is walking down the street, just minding his own business, and gets himself arrested for Walking While Bloody.

The Bangs Are Back!

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Heroes: Acceptance: Less Fun Than Anger and Denial

This week on Heroes, I pray for Hiro to jump off a building.

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Start with season 2 and work your way forward, buddy. We'll wait.

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Posted by Flipit at 1:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Heroes: That's What She Said. Really.

We're back again for another night of Heroes! When we left, Gretchen had just seen Claire do her signature dive out the window. Seriously, this girl has jumped out of a TON of windows. But let's pick it right back up where we left off. Claire's hiding out in her room when Gretchen bangs on the door. "Open up! We need to talk." Claire stares at the door, which cross-fades into a shot of Parkman's phone-Sprint logo prominently displayed, natch. Matt picks up his Sprint™ phone, his LAPD™ badge, and Cracker Jack™ sobriety chip that he got for going 30 days without a trip to KFC™. Imaginary Sylar and he pulls his Glock™. Yeah, this day's starting off well. Meanwhile, Peter ~~Parker~~ Petrelli is adding a big article to his wall of fame. Something about avoiding an MTA™ disaster. Which I guess would be a subway or bus accident.

There's a sale at Penney's!

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Heroes: Hello McFly

This is Part 2 of the Heroes season premiere recap. Check out Part 1 here!

We're back for the second part of the premiere, this one titled Jump, Push, Fall. When we left for the break, Parkman was dreaming his giant kid was still a baby and kidnapped by Sylar in exchange for his body back. Because it just ain't Heroes unless it starts with a Mohologue and ends on a Sylar one-liner (Syliner?). So, we pick up right where we left off. Imaginary Sylar is taunting Matt while holding the ex-baby. Matt snaps out of it when his wife walks in and sees him standing over Big Baby Matt Parkman's crib. With Big Baby Matt Parkman still in it, of course.

HRG's chillaxing in his bachelor pad. The smoke detector's going off, because he's busy burning something in the toaster oven. I don't know what he's cooking in there, because there's nothing in the fridge but Grey Poupon and milk.

Pardon me, but do you have any cheap plain yellow mustard?

He pours a bowl of cornflakes and dials his wife, but another man answers. Wow, who knew Mr. Muggles had such a sexy voice? He hangs up the phone and it rings right back but this time it's Tracy. Probably calling from Danko's place. He goes to meet her and finds her sitting by Danko's body in the dark. Creepy! "I didn't do it," she says.

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Heroes: Something Derivative This Way Comes

This is Part 1 of the 2-hour Heroes premiere. Part 2 will be along ASAP.

OK, here's the deal. I've been watching Heroes since Season 1, when it was awesome. BUT one writers' strike later, the wheels pretty much came off. I recapped House last season, but Flipit let me jump over to Heroes (I'm partial to 5-letter shows that start with H), so here we are. I love the show, but now it sucks enough that I can take shots at it. So let's start shootin!