Clearly, 'Gasmii, I couldn't stay away. I'm back. Sylar's back, and hopefully you're back at your work computer, snacking on some Twinkies or Pringles and pretending you care about unlocking more Excel spreadsheet functionality when you're actually reading this. Because Tim Kring decided to doubleteam me with back-to-back hourlong episodes for his premiere-a-palooza, you'll have two bonafide T.Vo recaps to read once I'm done. If I survive the massive task that is recapping Heroes, that is. It's vaguely reminiscent of my sweatshop child labor days, combined with what I've heard from women who've survived childbirth. Something like passing a greased-up, squirmy watermelon between your legs, over the course of several hours.
Save the turtle. Save the world.
I missed you very much. I know I've been away, but it was for a good reason. I was getting a Ph.D in the art of war and underwater basket-weaving. Oh, and moving back to SF from LA and a bajillion other major life changes like quitting my job, getting another one on the same day, winning a giant check from Publishers Clearinghouse, gambling the winnings away in Reno, and losing my gig as your friendly neighborhood Vietnamese manicurist to a pack of goldfish (more on that later). Sorry I never completed that final episode of Celebrity Circus, I had a few life crises, one after the other. For what it's worth, I think Antonio Sabato Jr. won that dog and pony show.
Remember how Heroes likes to jump around erratically like a kindergartener on a bender fueled by Pop Rocks and coke? I'm going to splice together the segments so that you can have a more pleasant procrastinating read.
Let's do this.
Four Years Later
Peter (with the ginormous future scar down his face, like Zorro but NBC only had enough money in the budget for one special effects makeup-enhanced slash instead of three) is running down the street into a warehouse/abandoned building. Presumably, he's running from something/someone since he keeps looking over his shoulder, but...wait, can't he fly? It's four years in the future and Claire's decided to trade her Goldilocks tresses for the shade of Sarah Jessica Parker's brunette locks in the SATC movie after Big left her at the altar. How appropriately feminist.
I am very deep now. See?
Brunettes have more fun, evidently, because Claire's clad in a skintight S&M-lite Lara Croft bodysuit with a built-in pushup bra. Fanboys everywhere squeal. You know, only villains and whores bother to apply black eyeliner to their bottom lashline. Villainous whores! It's obvious Claire's not all about the sunshine and innocence and attempted suicide videotapes anymore. She probably lost her virginity to Emotard somehow in between last season and this one (hiatus sex! Woo!).
Oh, and Claire also has a gun. Good times. Future Claire and Future Peter debate about abstract theoretical things like how he has to go back in time to right things, how she got to "this place" (the warehouse + also her hair color change and evil vibe, obvs), and how he can go back to fix it all and restore her blonde hair without using harsh bleach. She replies curtly, "I'm different, remember? Special...special-ed. It rubbed off from my hookups with Emotard."
Brunettes are evil. In case you forgot.
Claire's also holding a gun up to Future Peter (incredibly ineffective and lame, because we all know he's a total fucking badass with a cornucopia of powers and now this impressive scar that chicks must dig) for no reason other than to advance the plotline. He stares at her, she stares at him. She scowls and purses her lips, he furrows his brows and squints. Dramatic music plays. It's all very LC and Audrina on this season of The Hills. Oh wait, that's every season of The Hills.
Future Claire is still as mentally challenged as she is in the present day, thinking that she can shoot Peter and end it all. As the camera pans her from behind (that sounds dirty, but it's true), Future Claire's shadow looks lumpy and pregnant. Looksie:
If your shadow knocked up my shadow I will kill you.
I'm sorry, but I am sure I have a temporary case of amnesia and even I can remember that Peter has uber-powers and owns nearly everyone in the world of Heroes/Villains. Even my cat can remember that Claire and flush the toilet with its paw and open doors. You know, if I had one.)
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Comments (4)
great recap! i especially loved the sandlot reference.
1 of 4 | Posted by preppyboy | Posted on September 27, 2008 6:40 PM
Good recap. You and I seem to have the same general opinions about Heroes. I can already tell that the Parkman story, the Mohinder story, and the Hiro-Ando trust subplot are going to see a lot of my fast forward button this season. I would say 'I hope Kring knows what he's doing' but he's already proven that he doesn't. I'll still watch the show every week though, stupid attention span.
2 of 4 | Posted by DrJerkass | Posted on September 29, 2008 4:58 AM
Hi T.Vo
I don't watch Heroes (I know, I know. I've been meaning to and have just never gotten around to it. Netflix.). But every time I've opened up the 'Gasm page today looking for the latest recap of The Amazing Race, I have to say that your opening picture has made me do literal double takes. It kinda grossed me out a little, but I had to click on your recap just to see what the hell it is. Just sayin'. To all you recappers out there, if you are "paid" by the number of hits your shows get, there's a little lesson for you.
Cheers! : )
3 of 4 | Posted by marishka | Posted on September 29, 2008 12:14 PM
I was going to wait till part two to comment, but alas, I've got a sec . . .
I think Niki is hot, hot, hot, and I'm glad they rebooted her into something possibly more interesting. Also like the reboots on Sylar and Mohinder, but we're bordering on tacky homage to the fly, and I'll be afraid if necessary. I did notice future Ando has powers . . .
When I watch this show, either the wine, or my tired mind doesn't go too deep in to the preposterousness, so I'm actually fully satisfied. Super creepy with the brain fingering . . . some creepy stuff last night too . . .
I like Matt no matter what, so they better get him out of the desert . . .
Love Momma P--she's one of the best on the show, and her despising of future Peter is delicious!
4 of 4 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on October 1, 2008 10:47 AM