As I recapped my first episode of this show the other day, I thought to myself "Why would Paula open her show with a falling down drunk episode? How stupid is this woman?" Well, as it turns out, she's in good falling down drunk company.
Nice work, bonehead!
That was actually her second episode. Her first makes a Hell of a lot more sense, and she's sober the entire time. Boooooooo! Ah, well. That doesn't mean I had to be! Throw a couple back (you'll need em) and join me for the first episode ever of my favorite new train wreck: Woooooah, Paula!
Paula starts by introducing herself. She's been entertaining people for over twenty years!! How? I don't know, and she doesn't elaborate, but I have to agree with her all the same. I've definitely been entertained.
Better than Cats.
Next, it's time to meet her staff. There's Steven Cojocaru, who does her hair and makeup. I usually turn the TV off every time Cojo comes on screen because he reminds me what horrible hair, makeup, and bad kidneys can do to a person, but for the sake of this recap, I'll put up with his shrill ass. All I do is give, give, give!
Ow! My kidney!
Paula puts down her publicist, Jeff (up to now referred to as Manager Guy), every chance she gets and frankly I don't blame her. When was the last time you read something good about Paula? Fire his useless ass already, girl! In the last episode I recapped (the not pilot, DOI) Jeff sat in the greenroom blabbing to the cameras while Paula had her most embarrassing and public drunken meltdown to date. He better hope she never sobers up, or his kids are gonna have to work their way through college.
Enabling the disabled all the way to the bank.
Kiley is Paula's wardrobe stylist, and I like her immediately because she admits early on that she sometimes sleeps in Paula's closet. You have to wonder how many times she's run into a tipsy Paula in there and had a girl camping night. Awww! Girl power!
Wanna nap together?
To round out her little family are her kids! Alarmed? Don't call Social Services. Call Animal Control.
So there are five yappy bitches up in this hizz.
As we learned from the second episode, Paula's TIIIRRREDD! Today is no different. She's going to the Grammys, then to Philly for her 1AM slot on the QVC channel (where she hocks her Ginormous Clunky Jewelry), and then she's off to rehab. One of these pieces of info is false. Can you guess which one?
I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with treecab.
Kiley shows Paula her fabulous loaned jewelry for the Grammys, and immediately one dog runs off with a necklace and another eats a ring. Thank goodness it's all costume stuff. Wait. It's worth a couple mil? Woops.
Hey! That ring's supposed to go down my throat!
Paula's producing a movie based on the Bratz dolls, and she's also designing all of the costumes. Well, she's paying someone to design them and taking the money and the credit, but why split hairs? She brings in Cojo to check out her "work" and he smiles big. Wowieeee, Paula! She tells us that she put all her money into these designs months ago, but now the producers aren't returning her calls. Ouch. People can be rude assholes when they aren't on your payroll.
Time to get dressed for the red carpet. Cojo tells us it takes 4 hours to get Paula into makeup. Yikes. I hope we get to see some shots of what she looks like without all that gunk on her face.
OK, maybe not.
She tries to figure out why she's always on the worst dressed list while Cojo says "that's beautiful!" to every tacky ass dress she points at. Man, did Charo die? Because it looks like someone made a killing at her estate sale.
Coochie-coochie-coo!
The maid is outside cleaning up the dog poop and Paula shouts out about how sorry she is. She insists that the poop is too big to be from any of her dogs. Stop digging right there, Paula. It's a late night flashback no one wants to see. The maid stops to listen, but can't understand a word Paula's saying. At least it's not just me.
Vote for amnesty!
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Comments (2)
Can you believe she executive produces this thing? Why would anyone cast themselves in this outrageous light? Great recap, as usual you got all her crazy antics and screenshots. Wasn't her QVC show on in the middle of the night? HA.
1 of 2 | Posted by may1
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Posted on July 5, 2007 10:44 AM
for the love of adobe,
yes, photoshop is fun to play with, but please, give it a rest!
2 of 2 | Posted by rainbodragon
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Posted on July 5, 2007 12:00 PM