I am not the kind of person who can just sit with bad news all alone in my apartment. I have to share it with the world!! Tsunami in the Indian Ocean? Call me! A new war brewing with Iran? Let's have lunch! Oh, Paula! still isn't cancelled? Call Mary Jane and get your butt to my couch. We've got a train wreck to tailgate!
Previously, Paula made an ass out of herself on national TV when she showed up to an American Idol press junket blitzed off her ass. She's got a lot to deal with in tonight's episode, and she's gonna have to rise to the challenge without pills in her stomach, booze down her gullet, or a needle in her vein. Life is haard. What? You try detoxing when you're tiiiiiiirrreeedd!!!
I know this is gonna shock you, but today Paula's very very busy. She has to get to LA for a "gifting suite" and then it's off to Vegas to receive the Woman of the Year Award. Sorry, Hillary Clinton, but you just didn't make the cut this year. Maybe you should spend a little less time worrying about suicide bombers and a little more time finding some Ginormous Clunky Jewelry to slap your name on.
Before she does anything, though, she must attend a Summit of I'm Screwed. All the top non advising advisors are in attendance to put out last week's falling down drunk tiiiiiiirrreeeedd fire. Paula tells us that these rumors that she was wasted have made her mad and saddened, and she doesn't mince (or properly pronounce) words to the Summit. She's sick of all these lies in the media and they better do something about it! "I didn't do ANYTHING!" She insists that she doesn't do dru....recreational drugs and she's not drunk (on TV). Heeellppp meee wah waaaah!!! Should she give a press conference? YES!! Please give a press conference!!
Meeting of the Never-Minds
Publicist Guy tells us the truth is that Paula was tired and sick, but "it is what it is". In other words, she looked like she was wasted and that's all that matters. His job is to come up with a strategic plan to save our hero, which is awesome because his strategic plan up to now has been to cash his paycheck, nod and smile, and take naps. I'm interested to see what he can come up with now that he's been called off the bench. Will he advise her to adopt a Katrina baby? Donate a house to Habitat for Humanity? Rehab? Nope, even better! He suggests going back on American Idol and replacing the negative energy with positive. Um... thanks?
She cries and screams at him for doing nothing to refute the alchie accusations. He just shrugs, which sends her into a teary monologue. "I'm sick of...sick! Sick of...I'm treated like dog shit! I didn't do ANYTHING!!"
No real tears are coming out yet, so she does the finger countdown, telling us what this debacle is costing her. Cue the deep breaths, violins, and the SQEEEEEZE! "I'm losing my reputation (1), my financial gain (2), my creativity (3)..." She looks down and realizes that she has two fingers left and no more things to lose, so she grabs all her fingers and squeezes out "I'm sick of it! Enough is enough already!" (5). The camera guy is very careful to show us over and over that Paula is drinking only Vitamin Water, which makes you really smart. Keep sipping. It just takes time to build up in your system.
Absolut Vitamin
The Summit of I'm Screwed stays quiet and watches her sob. Then Publicity Guy chimes in and shows us why he makes the big bucks. Paula will do every interview she can! And make every appearance! She's a product, and as long as their product doesn't suck, they'll be ok. Can you imagine if every product had this advertising strategy? McDonald's would have lasted a week. How the hell are we supposed to know what doesn't suck if you don't tell us? FIRE THIS TWERP!!!!
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Comments (6)
This show is so fantastically fucked up, I can't contain myself. The entire time I'm watching this crapfest, I'm thinking how wonderfully you will recap it!!! Oh Paula, you tired little, creative non-recreational drug user you. That publicist needs a raise, or an award.
1 of 6 | Posted by may1
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Posted on July 11, 2007 8:22 AM
Best train wreck EVER! Paula must be totally delusional even when she's not on one med or another. Wow! There's so much rich ore to mine on this show, you're going to have your salary doubled!
2 of 6 | Posted by Tony A.
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Posted on July 11, 2007 10:22 AM
Fantastic recap Flipit, as usual. My favourite part is that Paula somehow managed to summon up her last reserves of courage to go out and grab a whole bunch of expensive free crap. What a martyr! Will her suffering and giving never end? Hey Darfur refugees, stop your whining and spare a thought for poor Paula.
3 of 6 | Posted by bdos88
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Posted on July 11, 2007 10:36 AM
New drinking game: everytime Paula says "I'm so tired", you do a shot. In less than half an hour, you'll be drunk and acting as stupidly as Paula does.
4 of 6 | Posted by murphena
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Posted on July 12, 2007 8:23 PM
New drinking game: everytime Paula says "I'm so tired", you do a shot. In less than half an hour, you'll be drunk and acting as stupidly as Paula does.
5 of 6 | Posted by murphena
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Posted on July 12, 2007 8:24 PM
yes!!! perfect game. but she doesn't drink, so maybe we should change it to every time she says she's tired we pop some kind of pill. anyone know a good online pharmacist?
6 of 6 | Posted by Flipit
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Posted on July 13, 2007 11:20 AM