Paula is all sunshine and daffodils now, like nothing ever happened. She's got her GBF and he's got his tools to keep them busy for at least a couple of hours. Damn, Paula. No wonder you need Cojo. He has the artillery. She faces her back to the camera during this whole makeup segment so we can't see what she really looks like under all that MAC. I'd just like to take a moment to thank her for that. HEART.
One rainstorm away from a total meltdown.
With Paula and Cojo off building a face mold, Speech Guy has a chance to grill Dave's people about what he's gonna ask her. Paula wants to deliver punchlines, not be them. HA. Good luck there. You're invited on the show specifically so Dave can make fun of the drunk ass you've been publicly the past couple weeks. Who cares how you wanna look? This ain't a MySpace profile, sista. This is Letterman!
Finally, she's ready to go. She's running late, but I'm sure no one's surprised there. She decides at the last second that she wants to go home right after the show, which sends her assistants into a tizzy. How long has she been in that room? It's completely wrecked. There are clothes and bits of face everywhere. The girls start hustling, and then horror music starts to play. Cut to New Girl about to have a nervous breakdown in private time with the camera. She's been working so hard! She's exhausted! She doesn't know if she can take it!! Damn, sis. You just started and you've already become the monster you work for. Scary.
WAAAAAH!!!! I'm TIRRREEEEEEDDDD!!!!
Paula sits in the limo with Speech Guy, and she is worried. Apparently, there's a sketch about her being a drug addict in the show, which is crazy since she doesn't even know how to hold a bong (without spilling dirty resin water all over the place). Riggghhhtt. Speech Guy tells her to chill and laugh at herself to show the world that the drug rumors are just silliness. She points out that she laughed along with Jay Leno's jokes already and they still haven't stopped. LOL. Why can't she do the Top Ten, so the answers are already in front of her? Uh, cuz you'd have to read. That would just make everything worse. Especially since you're slurring and nodding your head back and forth and sniffing crazily from the bumps you just did before you jumped in the limo. Crazy Pants.
Waiting for at the Letterman Theater, besides drug jokes and public humiliation, is a little girl who is already crying just at the thought of getting to meet her idol. I think she was in that Welcome to the Dollhouse movie a few years ago, but I can't be sure. Let's just put it this way. She's brought a box of Milk Bones to snack on while she waits. I'm not making that up.
Nice teeth! Those Milk Bones are gonna put dentists out of business!
Paula's a block away now, and she's slurring worse than ever and babbling complete nonsense. YAY!!! This is gonna be great! There's sad clarinet music playing under her "gotta get laughs...Letterman...(sniffle eye roll)...huge. Laugh....." as if the editors are already mourning what's about to be. Speech Writer just looks away from her. You can see him making a mental note to go on Craigslist later to look for a new gig.
Time for a Personal Paula Moment! I consider watching someone spiral down the staircase of addiction and a most likely early death pretty personal, but ok, I'll go with ya. Paula sits in her limo and tells Kiley that people think of her as this big celebrity, but they don't realize that under the thirty pounds of fake face Cojo slathers on every day, she's just a girl. That would be really deep if it wasn't a Julia Roberts line from Notting Hill. I'd prefer "I'm not a whore, I'm a dancer!" from Showgirls, but whatevs.
Back to the show! Cameras aren't let into the Letterman Show, which is LAME, so we don't get to see how it went. She comes out of the theater even more dazed and confused than when she went in, and tells us in private time that "Dave had fun with me!" I'll bet he did. If you wanna check out the appearance, click here. She does a pretty good job of not throwing up. Atta girl!
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Comments (6)
Dear Flipit, this is far and away your best Hey, Paula recap yet. Floating head? Sophie's Choice? OMG, stop, my tummy hurts. LOVE.
1 of 6 | Posted by LonnaSaur
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Posted on July 26, 2007 1:55 PM
Great recap but QVC is actually outside of Philly -- not Detroit.
2 of 6 | Posted by murphena
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Posted on July 26, 2007 5:12 PM
you are so right. i don't know what i was thinkin. cold cementy places i guess. thanks murph, and lonna love.
3 of 6 | Posted by Flipit
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Posted on July 26, 2007 5:20 PM
Flipit... you are awesome. This is one of the funniest recaps I've read. I'm sure my coworkers are wondering why I'm LOL hysterically.
Look forward to the next one!
4 of 6 | Posted by NashvilleGuy
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Posted on July 27, 2007 10:26 AM
Funny stuff -- thanx for taking a bullet for us all (so we don't haveta watch it).
Yep (#1) that "floating head / sophie's choice. but sadder" stuff was truly priceless.
*heart*
5 of 6 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates!
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Posted on July 29, 2007 5:44 PM
"...so we can't see what she really looks like under all that MAC." = spewed water on cat in lap. Genius! MAC is my hero... Please remind me not to eat or drink while reading Flipit recaps...
6 of 6 | Posted by killbondnow
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Posted on July 30, 2007 2:30 PM