You are never going to believe this, but Paula has a busybusybusy ass week ahead of her, and she's changed her Private Time With the Camera blouse for the first time this season. Someone's in recovery!! Anyhoo, tonight she's hosting some dog charity event and then it's off to QVC to film two shows (and hopefully rip someone a new one for making her "creations" look cheap and fake again) before she flies to NY for a spot on David Letterman. Whew! Are you tiiiiiiiiired yet? She is! And she's so hungry she could eat a dog. Good one, P! (sad horns.)

The guy in charge of the charity event, Extreme Speech Imediment Guy, explains that In Defense of Animals is raising money tonight to help the homeless dogs and cats still wandering the streets after Hurricane Katrina. Uhhh....ok, but aren't there things to rebuild? Like, I dunno. Schools? I love dogs and everything, but come on now. Does Spike Lee know about this?

Get the cameras. It's doco time.

Why the hell are they spending so much time interviewing Extreme Speech Impediment Guy, anyway? Because American Idol ran way late, leaving Paula frazzled and starving to death. Even though she's supposed to be at the event already, she's hatched a scheme to hit up Panda Express and Starbucks on her way. Hope someone around her has some cash, cuz she ain't payin'.

I'm sorry, what?

In lieu of food, her assistant, Cher (it doesn't matter if you've won an Oscar. Bills are bills) offers her some gum. I would have thrown her out of the moving car, but Paula is too busy trying to read her speech. She is completely confused because there are no commas. Or small words. Or pictures. What is she, a mind reader? Mmmmm.....Popeyes!

Meanwhile, ESIG is at the doggy event freaking out. Paula tells Cher to tell his assistant that she's on her way, but while Cher is on the phone, Paula yells "HOT WINGS'LL DO!" Ouch. Dogs will be dying on the streets of New Orleans because of your damn white trash food cravings. Enjoy that wing. Or not. Trooper that she is, she puts her hunger aside and gets to the event time just to tongue kiss a decidedly not homeless dog. Thanks, Paula. Now no one's hungry.

Kiss a homeless dog like that and I'll be impressed.

Paula gives a tiny paragraph of a speech about dogs being awesome. She can't imagine a home without pets and she can't imagine a pet without a home. Aw! Not only is that sweet, it's completely coherent. WTF? She tells the crowd that it's the first night of studio taping for American Idol and it all comes flooding back to me. There were only a couple nights of AI's entire season that Paula was any fun (drunk off her ass) at all. Crap. Now you decide to have a reality show? I'm telling you right now, if this series has turned into Hey, Sober Sally!, I'm out of here. I already put up with that crap through 12 weeks of Idol.

Back to the show...Paula's put in her five minutes of work and now it's finally time to eat!! Thankfully, Extreme Speech Impediment Guy has put together a basket of goodies he thought was right up her alley. A bucket of wine with some fruit and veggies. She picks through the veggies and finds a tiny cucumber. "Simon". LOL. I always imagined him with a huge one. Sorry, tmi. Paula is graciously not pleased, but I don't know why she's surprised by the display. If you had never seen this show and you were asked to put together a basket for Paula, what would you have added?

I couldn't find a picture of fruit cake.

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Posted in Hey Paula! by Flipit at 5:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)
Last Comment: bdos88 on Jul 22, 2007 02:27 PM.

Comments (10)

Pegster :

I am praying to GOD that I run into this loon one day and she tries to get some cash out of me. Bitch won't know what hit her.

Paula is a gift. Kind of like the time my mom gave me a freaking cookbook for Christmas. The gift you're hoping came with a receipt.

1 of 10 | Posted by Pegster | Posted on July 18, 2007 5:54 PM

chooch850 :

Just think Flipit, maybe someday you will be famous enough to have that many people taking care of you. You'll certainly lose some weight.

....let's see if my comment makes it....cross your fingers...

2 of 10 | Posted by chooch850 | Posted on July 18, 2007 10:38 PM

sweetleaf :

Flipit- is your favorite line of all time, ever,-
Time to get to David Letterman?

Love the recaps - and how you snark without dragging it out
Thanks a Million!

3 of 10 | Posted by sweetleaf | Posted on July 18, 2007 11:33 PM

Flipit :

ha! sweetleaf, that is the second time in one day that i have boned a video clip. i don't know what the hell is wrong with me. it's there now.

peg, get rid of your mother. she sounds like an awful person.

and chooch, you guys take care of me just fine. xo

4 of 10 | Posted by Flipit | Posted on July 19, 2007 1:28 AM

murphena :

Noticed several doctor appointments on Paula's schedule -- guess she needs her meds refilled on a pretty regular basis. But looking at the scheduled for a day, I don't blame her for being so tired.

5 of 10 | Posted by murphena | Posted on July 19, 2007 12:54 PM

may1 :

Your recap is fabulous. The dog in the picture is wearing one of her necklaces.
Did you notice on her list of things to do, " meet with up & coming designers reaching out to decorate her home" Does that mean they're doing it for free??? What a bitch.

6 of 10 | Posted by may1 | Posted on July 19, 2007 1:57 PM

Flipit :

of course they are! did you ever see the kathy griffin show where she was trying to get a free redesign? paying for stuff is sooooo plebian

7 of 10 | Posted by Flipit | Posted on July 19, 2007 2:53 PM

Pegster :

The more Hey Paula I see, the more I hope she od's. WAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAH. Shut up untalented rich person.

But as an aside, I LOOOOOOOVE Kathy Griffin. I'd be one of her assistants any day.

8 of 10 | Posted by Pegster | Posted on July 19, 2007 7:43 PM

bdos88 :

Flipit, you're awesome. Great recap as usual. You most definitely deserve to be treated like the gift that you are. Get this man some rum and rentboys stat!

9 of 10 | Posted by bdos88 | Posted on July 22, 2007 2:24 PM

bdos88 :

BTW, please use that last spazzed out photo of Paula in every recap. Like the historic 'hideous' photo of Jen from BB8, it just never gets old.

10 of 10 | Posted by bdos88 | Posted on July 22, 2007 2:27 PM

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