I found that it was pretty difficult to describe exactly what went down (nailing Paula's English alone can take hours) in words, but I did my best. I have never felt such joy, pity, jubilation, and grief at one time. If you have any Vicodin, Percoset, or hell, spray paint to ingest, pull it out now, put your hands in the air and HOLLA! All together now! HEY, PAULA!!
Paula's a busy busy busy busy busy STAR, dammit, and she's tiiired! What a week she's about to have! She's in New York to put her face in this machine to test her new stanky perfume...
...and while she's there she's gonna accept a Ginormous Clunky Jewelry Award...
...and when she's done with that she has to do a ton of press appearances for American Idol, my favorite of which turned into one of her most embarrassing recent memories blackouts.
As she sits in her limo, she shakes her head at the camera and her HUGE jewelry makes that familiar sound of iced tea being stirred on a Summer day. Can you believe how BUSY she is?!? She just got off the plane and already she'ss runnin' outd thedooor.
Gee golly, life is friggincraazy, guyz!
Paula puts periods in all the wrong places and slurs every other word, and I spend the first five minutes of the episode trying to get a look at her pupils. I don't care what she tells the press. She's either wasted or she's got MS. Either way, it's kind of endearing. I heard you groan. Shut it. I said KINDA.
She pretends to give her manager an update on her life, like he hasn't been subjected to her loony bs 24/7 for as long as he can remember. Since she's gonna be accepting her Ginormous Clunky Jewelry Award in 14 minutes and 58 seconds, he suggests she come up with something to say. Now there's an idea.
I have a fashion for design. Wait...I have a fashion for passion. Fashionpassion. Passion design. Passionfashionfashionpassion.
She nods proudly, like she just wrote "I Had a Dream". Manager Guy, familiar with his boss' loose grasp of language, hands over the speech he wrote for her. As she squints at the words and stumbles all over the page, he explains to us that Paula usually just gets to improvise her lines and isn't used to, you know, reading stuff. Wait a second, Manager Guy! Are you telling me thoughtful and provocative lines like "you...you...look beautiful, voice stun...azing pretty wow yay shut up Simon trying to say, wow pretty wow fantast...azing" isn't written by a team of Emmy winning scribes? I'm stunned.
Oooonnn. On. Ooor. Or. D.
I was rooting for her as she tried to figure out the word "honored", and when she finally sounded through it, I cheered out loud.
The Limo driver turns around and looks at her like he's trying to figure out if she's seriously this afflicted or if she's kidding.
She's not kidding. Watch the road.
"I want mazmalsoup now!" Paula exclaims out of nowhere. Huh? Manager Guy explains that everyone at the Awards Dinner is already eating. She's just there to give her speech and get out. What? No food? She's gotta have food, or the pills in her stomach will start knocking up against each other and fighting out twelve rounds of crazy in front of a few hundred people. She warns us that this speech could wind up being the biggest disaster in her life. You sure about that? Think back.
Mr. Make It Work himself, Tim Gunn, is presenting her award while she's outside posing for pictures and shaking babies. Poor Tim has to repeat the speech a few times, and by the time she slinks in the back door, he's made it sound like she's received 878 MTV Video Awards.
So, ginormous clunky jewelry, huh?
Manager Guy is worried. Paula's tired, hungry, and she can't read. He bows his head and prays, and even with a war, testicular cancer, and high gas prices on his roster, God listens! Paula starts off a little shakily, but after a while she's leaning all over the podium and making people laugh with Simon jokes like, well, Paula Abdul.
After Tim Gunn blows sparkles up her cornhole and Ginormous Chunky Jewelry students fawn over her in the lobby, she demands her award and CONGRATS! It's more hair!
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Comments (5)
Great recap, flip! But I think this was the second episode. If you missed the first, she's less crazy and more likable. She was actually kind of cute. The second episode just made me want to cry for her.
1 of 5 | Posted by jampony
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Posted on July 3, 2007 3:40 PM
I thought the same thing re: her friends/crew. How strangely incompetent. I do believe that she's probably a pampered, delusional diva ala Lisa Kudrow character in former HBO show "The Comeback", but come on - her manager should have looked her in the eye and said "Paula, you're coming across like an ass - you should cancel these interviews/meetings."
This show was like watching a car crash. Count me in for episode 3 as I gawk at this disaster as it unfolds!
2 of 5 | Posted by gbanex
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Posted on July 4, 2007 7:54 PM
'I want this floor smell!' - absolutely brilliant! Thanks for the fantastic recap and please say you will cover Hey Paula on a regular basis. It's pure comedy gold in the hands of a master like yourself. What, you say you are too tiiiired from all the other shows you recap? Sorry, we can't accept that excuse, Paula has that one on lockdown.
3 of 5 | Posted by bdos88
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Posted on July 4, 2007 9:24 PM
YES! I was beginning to wonder if I was the only one who thought that Paula and Mary Murphy had been separated at birth (which happened on th e crazy train). I would almost pay money to see the two of them together.
Love your recaps, Flipit. You nailed it with the real names of the perfume ladies. :)
4 of 5 | Posted by hrhhappiness
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Posted on July 6, 2007 6:11 AM
My condolences to whomever had the misfortune of having to recap this show. It's a total trainwreck, but it's the boring kind that puts one to sleep.
I cannot help but thihnk this show is a botched attempt by Paula at damage control, but these claims that's she has insomnia are ridiculous.
5 of 5 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on July 8, 2007 7:12 AM