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There is very little redeeming about
Hit Me Baby One More Time. To enjoy watching it, you either have to love 80s music or revel in the complete humiliation of people in front of a live audience. I don't really care if any of the people performing on the show do well or not. I really just want to see how fat everybody got, and how much they've let themselves and their voices go. Last week, I had Loverboy and Flock of Seagulls. Why the people from those bands haven't tried to asphyxiate themselves is beyond me. But the point is simple. A band that plays their hit well and does a good cover does nothing for me. Forget talent, I want a disaster.
When I saw the list of people who were set to perform, I started to wonder which group had a better chance of packing on the most weight. If I was at a sports book, I would have put a lot of money on a number of the contestants, and The Knack was surely one of them. So I was terribly upset when they came out and not a one of them looked obese. In fact, they all looked almost exactly the same as they did when their hit "My Sharona" came out. Were we in store for some performances that could border on the palatable? Why am I even watching? Well, because no matter how good they sound, there is bound to be something funny happening soon. I wasn't disappointed when, after about 30 seconds of playing, the lead singer from the Knack started making some really crazy faces. I think this guy moonlights as Dustin Hoffman/Martin Short love child impersonator:
After The Knack, we got to listen to Haddaway and "What is Love," which most people my age never listened to until it was made popular on Saturday Night Live with the Roxy Nightclub guys and their head bobbing. If there is anybody who I expected to be fat after a dozen years out of the limelight, it would be a black club queen who plays a lot of golf, but Haddaway once again let me down, as it looked like he might have actually lost weight since we last saw him. I am not sure where they get this crowd, as it always seems like they are half-coerced into being there. Most of the people there are too young to remember anybody performing, but must have been told if they mouth the words they get on camera. In any event, nobody
in the crowd appeared to be doing the SNL head bob during this song, which was too bad.
One thing I did like about Haddaway was this one dancer. I was surprised when I saw her because she actually had an ass to speak of, and on a white girl too! I was thinking "Damn, that must be jelly because jam don't shake like that!" She must be new to Hollywood. Poor girl will weigh 98 pounds in two weeks. And speaking of weight, why did they have that skinny girl doing the background vocals? Even with the mike, she could barely pull off any of the notes. If there was anybody I thought would have a huge black woman ex-gospel singer backing him up, it was Haddaway. Come on!
