They are NOT beating around the bush with this opener. In an extremely pink bathroom, a little girl turns on her extremely pink tape deck to “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera. A totally crap song, I know, but am I getting verklempt as we see this little bald girl begin downing dozens of pills? Yes, yes I am. You know, I’m the only girl on staff at TVgasm, and it’s times like this when I get really self-conscious about it. Copygodd would never get all teary about a wrestler’s backstory.
Just as the little girl is about to give herself an injection, everything starts shaking and the walls start closing in on her. She’s in major hallucination mode, and as she comes out of it we see she has cut her hand on the mirror.
House gets off the elevator with a bad cold. Uh, I can’t really bring myself to feel bad for him, no matter how miserable Hugh Laurie manages to look. Nine-year-old with cancer or grouchy old dude with a sniffle? You make the call. Anyway, Wilson wants him to stick around and help treat this girl (remember, Wilson is the head cancer doctor. Chief oncologist, if you’re nasty). House isn’t interested in regular ol’ cancer until Wilson tells him about the girl’s hallucinations – even though she doesn’t have any cancer in the brain. When House was a kid, you know he loved to burn ants with magnifying glasses and mix condiments with household cleaners and make the littler kids drink it.
House’s assistants (anyone want to come up with a pithy name for them? I’ll buy you a beer if you let me use it) are in pontificate mode. House sends the boys off to do medical things but makes Cameron stay behind, in an excellent callback to last week’s episode. He doesn’t want her getting all attached to the pretty dying blonde chick. Good, I don’t want a lot of her this episode. She’s already managed to annoy me by quietly, subserviently, making House a cup of tea when she noticed he was sick. I guess since browbeating him into a date didn’t work, she’s going to try the maternal provider role. When that fails, she’ll move on to studied aloofness, and then oversexed vixen. I bet she considers the articles in Cosmo very edifying.
Chase is setting up the girl for a brain scan, and we see that she a) could practically be a doctor herself, with all she knows about the procedure, and b) is a far, far better flirt than Cameron.
Since this episode is getting pretty heavy, we get some penis jokes to lighten the mood. House sees a guy in the clinic who tried to circumsize his own penis. With box cutters. We don’t get to see the damage ourselves, of course, but House says he needs to get a plastic surgeon to “put the Twinkie back in the wrapper.” Actually, right now it’s not so bad being a girl recapper!
Well, since we’re only 10 minutes into the show, the girl’s brain scan was inconclusive. Chase is off to do more tests. She makes him explain the procedure because she likes to “hear his voice.” She also wants him to know that she’s never kissed a boy. Oh, honey. Come on. Let’s not do th - “will you kiss me?” OH GOD. Chase gives her some very valid reasons why he can’t but we already know he’s sort of morally questionable….”I won’t tell anybody” she promises. EW EW EW EW he’s kissing a nine-year-old! Blakggghhh! Chase doesn’t get to be the hot Aussie any more, he’s just the weird perv who’s going to ask Cuddy for a transfer to pediatrics tomorrow!
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Comments (16)
I cringe when I watch this show. These are the worst doctors ever. Last season House was suggesting transplants right and left to cover up the damage done by his previous improper diagnosis. House is a pathetic chinless wonder--he is kind of a hospital parasite. Yet, I watch...
Call the assistants "minions."
1 of 16 | Posted by Frau | Posted on September 21, 2005 1:03 PM
I love this show, but when the writing on the show is already so witty and snarky, it must be really tough to write a witty, snarky recap - my kudos to the lone GIRLgasm.
FWIW: I have come to think of the "assistants" as House's Minions.
2 of 16 | Posted by Anne | Posted on September 21, 2005 1:06 PM
Call them "Outhouses."
Because they are always getting . . . yeah, you know the rest of it.
3 of 16 | Posted by Scott | Posted on September 21, 2005 1:12 PM
I'm a bit new to the show was there any signifigance to Foreman spotting the clot and being so sure? Also the last scene reminded me too much of the six feet under where nate rode a motorcycle while don't fear the reaper played on the soundtrack. That being said any show that suggests there statistically has to be cancer kids who are little bastards is alright with me.
4 of 16 | Posted by JCC | Posted on September 21, 2005 1:35 PM
I suggest the Housemates or the Homeschooled.
It has to be a name that immediately clues the reader about whom you are talking. The Laguna Beach calling that one girl Roz thing has gone to far. Of course, the idea that one can re-cap LB is, in itself, inexplicable.
5 of 16 | Posted by Tom | Posted on September 21, 2005 2:09 PM
When someone’s poking a set of metal tongs that look shockingly like a medieval torture device around in your babymaker, you don’t even have the focus to chat about the weather, much less the social implications of being a bald female.
um, bald because of the cancer?
and while i've never "officially" teared up at a wrestler's backstory, i did find al snow's love affair with "head" (a mannequin) to be quite touching.
6 of 16 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on September 21, 2005 2:55 PM
I'm liking "Outhouses" a lot, but "Housemates" is pretty good, too. Anyone else?
JCC, I didn't catch every episode last season, but I don't think there's a specific reason why Foreman would be so sure, but it fits into his character mold as the cocksure, streetwise doctor.
7 of 16 | Posted by Kat | Posted on September 21, 2005 3:00 PM
Did anybody else notice what a wonderful torquoise color Hugh Laurie's eyes are? And how goddamn sexy he is? And how I want to marry him? Hmm? Did anybody else notice? Cuz I did.
Anywho, I teared up a few times too and had to cover my eyes when they bolted her head to the table. And almost vomited up my dinner when Chase kissed the little girl. Aussies are so weird. Kangaroos, kissing little girls....vegemite.....
8 of 16 | Posted by Candace | Posted on September 21, 2005 6:18 PM
I've heard alot about this show so I watched it for the first time last night.
My conclusion - IT STINKS!
9 of 16 | Posted by B-dub | Posted on September 21, 2005 6:54 PM
I rather like "sublets" as a moniker for the troika.
I was nowhere near as squemish/offended by House's behavior in this ep. I was mos def affected by the fact that the dilapidated little girl at her worst physically had more life in her than House on his best day.
But I was thrilled (yes, I am serious) to see House flying through some awesome countryside on his bike. What a miracle for that man to experience some life again. What a gift that girl was to him.
10 of 16 | Posted by Ed | Posted on September 22, 2005 12:17 AM
Foreman, Cameron, and Chase possibilities:
The Bloodhound Gang (as in the 3-2-1 Contact, not the music group)
The Stooges (as in Larry, Curly, and Moe, again not the music group)
The FCC (as in their initials, not the federal agency)
and my favorite, because it is so obscure...
Archie Goodwin (as in the assistant to great fictional detective Nero Wolfe. Nero never/rarely goes anywhere, but does all the grand thinking and mystery solving from his house, while Archie pounds the pavement and does all the legwork.)
11 of 16 | Posted by Basil Valentine | Posted on September 22, 2005 6:44 AM
My favorite line: "You'll never guess what I get away with with this thing" regarding his cane.
Loved this episode. it even got my husband's attention. The kiss was way creepy, not just because he did it, but also because they showed her kissing back.Ewwww! Love how House called him on it. She physically reminded me of that kid in the movie, "Powder." Also thought the look on House's face when she hugged him was worth an Emmy in itself.
12 of 16 | Posted by Helenann | Posted on September 22, 2005 7:07 AM
That kid must have one kickass insurance plan. They mustve spent about a million dollars on a terminal cancer patient. THat hospital RULES! And did you notice that she was bald from Kemo but stil had her eyebrows?
As for the assistants. Hmmm. The sublets is a good one. I vote for that. The Housettes? House sitters? 2 Live Crew? Ok, I think that last one is taken.
Cuddy and house are so gonna do it.
Maybe its me, but I miss the oozing feces.
13 of 16 | Posted by EdHill | Posted on September 22, 2005 7:11 AM
The diagnosis, which so eluded the grasp of the best medical minds, seemed simple enough to me: overexposure to Brittany Spears' Toxic album. What was the motorcycle scene about? I guess it only fitting that House take it up since he has the morals of a hell's angel.
Some suggestions: Galens' gang, Adjutants of the Gaunt Savant, Paracelsus' Paras, Housemaids.
14 of 16 | Posted by borgia | Posted on September 22, 2005 12:44 PM
Also, triage a trois i think could serve as an apt cognomen
15 of 16 | Posted by borgia | Posted on September 22, 2005 2:36 PM
It's late, I know...but I can't help but notice no mention of "House trailers."
16 of 16 | Posted by HicksPub | Posted on September 26, 2005 7:53 PM