Testimonials

Ice is the third competitor, and her strategy for reaching the bags is to launch herself at the beds in the most painful way possible. You can practically hear her bones crunch each time she lands. She adopts Myammee's strategy of picking the second bag first, and that helps her to finish with a time of 1:43. Then it's Prancer's turn, and I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little worried about her. I'm also worried about this:

Have we gleaned nothing from Rock of Love and Kristy Jo's gleeful cameltoe chant last year? Learn from your elders, Prancer! Prancer and her vagina set off for the challenge, and she's awfully spry since she weighs about seven pounds soaking wet. That leads her to a time of 1:40! It seems like the only person who can beat that is 20 Pack, so it makes sense that he's up next.

20 Pack reaches the second bag within six seconds, which is impressively ridiculous or ridiculously impressive. Tailor Made remarks in confessional that 20 Pack looks like the Bionic Man, and Angelique echoes that he looks like a cartoon or a video game. Then she shoves one of her breasts back into her bikini top, so you can kind of take or leave her opinion. Anyway, 20 Pack skips along easily and then finishes with a time of 26.8 seconds! What the fuck! His alliance goes nuts - they're an alliance again now that they're doing well, natch.

Tailor Made is the next person to compete, and that's sufficiently awkward. It doesn't matter what time he finishes with, he's going to look totally lame after 20 Pack's run. Sad panda! Unsurprisingly, he's really, really bad. He grabs the closest bag first, even though he clearly should've watched everyone else's strategy, and then finishes with a time of 2:37. That's even slower than Buckwild, so he's in the running to be the Dead Last Loser.

Luckily Saaphyri still has to compete. Since she likely has the black lung, Tailor Made doesn't have to lose heart just yet. Saaphyri is dressed appropriately for the competition.

Whatever that shit is, it's unflattering, but it doesn't stop her from taking off for the competition. She comments that she's good at grabbing money, but not hopping around like Superwoman. She proves this awfully well! The clock is already at 1:30 by the time she turns in the first bag. Exhaustion is getting in the way, and that pesky thing called gravity doesn't help much either.

I love heavy folk, especially when they're wearing something completely ill-fitting. Kudos to you, Saaphyri! She slams against the bed and falls right into the water, which means she has to return to the startling line. At one point she gives up and lays down for a nap, which is...wow. If not for the nap, she probably still would've beaten Tailor Made, but alas she clocks in at 2:51.

Then it's It's turn. Craig says, "I'm not gonna lie, I'm curious to see how this one works out," which delights me in every way. I love that Craig knows these people are ridiculous. So fabulous! It would be awesome to see It drop the shtick and actually compete, but clown music starts playing as he takes off, so it's a toss-up. He goes for the closest bag first but still manages to kick ass, at least until he gets caught up on a bed for 30-ish seconds. He makes it to the second bag and then hangs out on a bed for another 30 seconds. I want to punch this motherfucker in the face all the time, just for the record. He finishes with a time of 4:47. Angelique still has to compete, but she could honestly take her pants off and sunbathe for three minutes before starting the challenge, and she'd still win.

Angelique chooses the closest bag first, and then she shoves it in her teeth so she can use her hands to balance. Craig comments that it's a good strategy to put it in her mouth, but to be fair, that's been Angelique's strategy for years. She turns in the first bag with a time of 1:20, but when she goes back for the next one, she falls in the water just before she can grab it. That means she has to swim back, which proves more difficult than you'd imagine. Those breasts of hers act as an awfully good floatation device. She finally gets to the second bag with a time of 3:55, but still, she would have to lose consciousness in order to lose this game. Except...wait. Angelique falls in the water! She has to go back to the start!

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Posted in I Love Money by Bailey Quarters at 6:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Last Comment: LastCall on Apr 14, 2009 04:25 PM.