Well hello gorgeous dolls, and welcome to VH1's latest foray into challenge based reality programming - I Love Money. Well, who doesn't? But we're not all willing to wade into the cesspool that VH1 calls "celeb"-reality for it. You know, in this world there are two kinds of people. There are those who do, and those who sit back and watch those people make total asses of themselves. I suppose there is a third category for people who waste hours of their day writing about it, but let's not go there. Better to just head over to Mexico for a wade in the ol' faux-celeb cesspool. Everybody pack a full body condom? Well alright, let's go!
Let's not waste any time.
The first thing we see is two boats speeding through the ocean while tribal music pounds in the background. It's all very Survivor-esque. This show demands to be taken seriously! We get a brief recap of how they all came to land here, which basically shows a bunch of people getting dumped by Bret Michaels and Flava Flav. Seventeen people. Six reality shows. And one cash prize. Welcome to Mexico, dolls.
And with that, the first person we meet here is Frank, otherwise known as The Entertainer. Have I mentioned no new nicknames? All the Rock of Love hos have already been named, and Miss New York's very, very hard working production assistants and Flav have taken care of the rest. And thus, I have made the executive decision not to re-nickname those who hath already been nicknamed. It's repetitive.
So, back to Entertaining Frank. Okay, perhaps a reworking of the nickname. But no more than that, I swear! He was eliminated from Miss New York's show with her edict that he (and his parents) were losers. Miss New York is so mean. From what I've seen of the Entertainer and his family in the preview show, they...well okay, perhaps the loser thing isn't too far off, but they're very lovable losers, you know? The kind that could carry their own reality show. Hint. Hint. Hint. Entertaining Frank's here to win the money, but if he can kill two birds with one stone and also find his true love, all the better use of what remains of his quickly dwindling fifteen minutes.
When's the reality show where the prize is a GED? I'm just saying.
The next person we zero in on boatside is one of my favorites, Grandma Rodeo! Can I get a YEE HAW? The reason why she's here on the show is to win money, and that's all. Good call Granny, as far as these I Heart NY boys go, you're more man than they'll ever be and more women than they'll ever get. This is proved with a flashback to one of my favorite Rock of Love moments ever, Granny in her white jammies, breaking up Psycho Rocker Herpes Lacey's fight before it dares interrupt her beauty sleep. Granny, I don't want to hear any nonsense about how much you miss your kid this time. You came to play, now play. Do me proud, Granny.
Next up is one of those boys, and that's Chance. He's from I Love NY, and he's incredibly scrawny, a condition that's only accentuated by his enormous trucker hat. And as we all know, there is no love lost between Chicky and the trucker hat. Even though some find him to be a hothead, he's just keeping it real, says Chance. Chance informs us that as far as the challenges go, he will not be eating any cow "thingys" or Ding Dongs. Is he speaking allegorically, or of the actual chocolate, crème filled cake? Cause those are tasty. I can't think of a reason why anyone would forgo a Ding Dong challenge.
Challenged Ding Dong
Perched on the side of the boat in cheap shades and a new weave, is the biggest whore on the shore, Pumkin. She reminds us that we know her from spitting on Miss New York. Now, there's no doubt that Pumkin is probably the skankiest skank to ever grace a reality show - I am armed with Lysol spray and prepared to shoot every time I see her face on my television screen - but she is completely accepting of her status of a whore and a bitch, and hello, she spat on Miss New York! Also, she's guaranteeing some hookup action on the show. It might mean I have to add some Clorox to my arsenal, but so far...Pumkin's sort of alright with me. I know, weird, but pickins' are way slim with this group.
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Comments (17)
Flav's so superfierce about the fact that his name is "FlavOR Flav" that I have to give What's-It-J-Whatever props for the artculated "Flayv-Errr-Flav."
1 of 17 | Posted by Leah | Posted on July 13, 2008 9:36 PM
I'm glad you're recapping this- sadly, that was my first thought after seeing the previews.
This show is going to be such a trainwreck.
loves it.
2 of 17 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on July 14, 2008 2:18 AM
Glad you've got this one covered. I was hoping I wasn't the only one to notice white boy's cami, tat, and chain ensemble.
3 of 17 | Posted by tadow | Posted on July 14, 2008 3:45 AM
Excellent form of douchebaggery by Midget Mac. He was saying that he got more money than Hoops, and I yelled at my TV, "Hoops was the winner of the first FLAVOR OF LOVE! The runner-up of that season sent you home on her own show!"
And where did you get that picture of poor, disformed Mr. Heat?
4 of 17 | Posted by nerrawllehctim | Posted on July 14, 2008 5:24 AM
Great recap. There's so many vapid people on this show its got to be good. Heat is a total asshole. And I really dont see how everybody thinks Megan has a hot body. Boobs-yes, the rest of her?? Someone should point out her ass is as flat as her face.
5 of 17 | Posted by Poopsicle | Posted on July 14, 2008 7:37 AM
helllls yeah.
SO glad you're recapping this nightmare CB. looking forward to every diseased second.
i would happily nosh on some delightful Granny pancakes for the cause. though i have a sneaky suspicion they may taste a bit like worn leather and aqua net. still, i adore her.
anyone else notice annoying brandi's lips? methinks she had some (cheap, hack) work done with the cash she made living up to those highschool nicknames. you don't just wake up one day looking like a duck. she's looking as busted as her buddy, butterface flats. i abhore the 'i'm so hot it makes me stupid' act more than anything.
but with any luck destiney, flasher or granny will grind them both into dust. *(which will then be incorporated into the diamond inlay on craig j's krunk kup. though i will say, this cj is infinitely more articulate than that OTHER cj who hosts crap like this. trucker hats = unequivocal brain power indeed).
6 of 17 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on July 14, 2008 8:36 AM
Oh, this is a trainwreck.
Hate Megan with a passion.
ChickBomb, I seem to remember from "I love New York" that Mr. Boston is only half-Jewish. I don't know if it helps you, but it helped me a little.
7 of 17 | Posted by SpaceVenus | Posted on July 14, 2008 8:37 AM
Way to go, ChickBomb, you ruined all my sexytime fantasies of Boston by reminding me that he's "not real big down there"! Your recaps are spot-on and hysterical (and you save me from having to actually watch this show... sometimes it just makes me sad to see these people... I don't want to laugh at them while the show is airing because I feel guilty, but it's okay when I read about it later and laugh at them!). Much love to you,
xoxox
love, J-Mo :)
8 of 17 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 14, 2008 9:22 AM
White Boy would be easier to take if he didn't speak with that thick Yiddish accent all the time.
I think VH1 has finally hit on the right formula...can't wait!
9 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on July 14, 2008 5:35 PM
Itchy,
Seriously, it's a glorified Real World/Road Rules challenge with the most vapid people in History. MTV nailed this formula ten or twelve years ago.
10 of 17 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on July 14, 2008 7:27 PM
OMG....when Annoying Brandi C. said she'd build herself a Barbie dream house on the hills I busted out laughing. This bitch just said this retarded shit...outloud...on television.
I really do think this girl is so sadly stupid that she meant an actual Barbie dream house - like for actual Barbies.
11 of 17 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on July 14, 2008 8:28 PM
Hey, Slutty...sure, MTV might have figured it out (although they seemed to have backslid big time lately) but VH1 is just breaking wind here...none of this nonsense about 'looking for love'...this is pure reality porn...
Show seems to have some semblance of a production budget too.
12 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on July 15, 2008 10:50 AM
I loved this show!!!! It is so trashy. I cannot wait for this season. I loved the fact that you said Midget Mac was from "shantytown" because he totally was. I think he lives in the place where Scarlett O'Hara got jumped in GWTW. I liked Nigdet Mac on I LOVE NY, but he was annoying as hell here. Why is he so f-ing smug? What does he have to proud of? What did he mean when he told Hoopz he had more money than her and her !#$@. What did he mean? If he meant her p*ssy, it still doesn't make sense. I was praying that someone would throw his ass in the pool.
13 of 17 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on July 15, 2008 11:10 AM
great recap!
quick question, is anyone recapping brooke knows best?
14 of 17 | Posted by stina | Posted on July 16, 2008 11:31 AM
Lol ReeseWitherspoon. Nigdet Mac? I know what you meant to type, but the typo is just deliciously, awfully wrong and hilarious (I did a double take).
Anyhow, this show is going to be so amazing. SO glad VH1 decided to go this route instead of throwing more crap like Charm School at us
Also, looks like ROL 3 will be happening soon... never was the biggest fan of ROL series, but Flav is done and NY too presumably (she has her own show coming out soon) so I'll be watching..
15 of 17 | Posted by shia0bundan | Posted on July 16, 2008 9:27 PM
Shia...I hope this does not ruin your day but I read some time ago that there would be another installation of Charm School with the ROL girls and with Sharon Osbourne in the Monique role. I will miss Monique's innovation with the English language - "slutatious" being one of my favorite made-up words - but I will not miss her strange ennunciation...the breathy yet nasal way she said things like "pledge pin" drove me nuts.
16 of 17 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on July 17, 2008 4:48 AM
"This world was such a better place before Paris Hilton sprayed her herpes all over it." Never before have truer words been uttered, CB.
SOOOO glad you're recapping this one, darlin'. Go Grandma Rodeo!!
17 of 17 | Posted by TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz | Posted on July 23, 2008 6:33 AM