And then we hear from Mr. Boston. He hasn't been in Mexico since spring break '03 (par-tay), and he's currently in the throes of a deep moral crisis...deciding which ho to "work the Boston charm on" (translated: which ho he will become infected by).
We get a short (hee hee) respite from Midget Mac, who tells us that they're on a boat and that means party like a rock star! Ugh, when is this "party like a rock star" thing going to go away? Can we chuck it with the trucker hats? I can't help but feel a little bad for Midget Mac - I mean, I've seen the shantytown where he lives, but I'm sorry, these boats are less rock star than Gilligan's Island.
Then we meet Heat. What I enjoy about Heat is that he flat out told Miss New York that she would come last with him, after his Mom and his Grandma. He's there to win, and he'll take anyone out. "Man, woman...midget," he says confidently. Well, the best I can say is I like the competitive spirit.
Why don't we start partying like Adult Contemorary stars? Daughtry looks like he's having a good time, too.
Next comes one of the most loathsome reality show hos ever, Butterface Megan. She tells us she's famous for "wearing bikinis all the time and looking hot". Yes darling, you're the hottest ever, so long as no one's looking above breast level. Butterface has brought her little doggy with her, because it's Mexico - the Chihuahua's homeland. And when I say Chihuahua, I'm talking about the actual dog. Just so we're clear.
So, our folks get to shore and Chance informs us that the first "challenge" is getting off the boat. This is the challenge. To get off a boat. In about one inch of water. Oh my. We certainly have our work cut out for us here. Well, everyone manages to brave this insane challenge, and safely tumble off the boat to shore...all except Nibblz and Midge Mac. Mac tells us that ever since he saw his uncle drown at a family reunion, he's been terrified of the water. This one time? At a family reunion? My uncle drowned. I dunno, sounds kind of rehearsed to me. A little too pat, you know, like he's not going to admit he's just scared of the water, so he's got to build a back-story.
As for Nibblz, I don't know what the hell her problem is. "Oh shizzle, Mac's about to drizzle!" Mac tells us. Can this guy craft a sentence or what? And that's another thing we need to stick with the trucker hats and the "party like a rockstar"...the "izzle". Unless your name is Snoop. And I only exempt him cause he started it.
Well, long story short (I'm sorry, that one was not intentional, but hee hee anyway) Twelve Pack (or Heat, I'm getting them confused) rescues Mac from the terrifying boat ordeal. Scoops him up in his arms, and valiantly carries him to shore, while music swells in the background. I'm still not sure which guy it is, but he says he did it because perhaps Mac will have his back somewhere down the line.
Smartest contestant so far.
After the extreme challenge of getting off the boat, it's time to meet our host, Craig J. Jackson. The "J." means he's a very serious host. The Alex Trebek of VH1. But I'm not going to talk too much on Craig J., cause he's kind of hot. Like Blair Underwood, only a little darker. Pretty. And whiter than the whitest dude on this show, cause he pronounces Flava Flav as "Flavor" Flav. Please. There are Carolina Klansman who know better than that.
Craig J. reminds the group that they're playing for $250,000. Maybe like $125,000 after taxes. He blabs a little more about what they're in for - physical and mental challenges. Heaven help us, these people found disembarking off a friggin' boat challenging. And then he sends them streaming into the house to check it out and choose rooms.
Okay, why are they not identifying these people on the bottom of the screen? The girls I know, but I never watched I Heart NY at all, so all I know is the midget and the really, really white guy from Boston. Anyway, one of the other white guys, not Entertainer, tells us that he's in an alliance with Chance and Real, the brothers. It's a strong alliance. "MIA" they tell each other in flashback. Ahhh, Miami. Old people, G-string bikinis and bros. It makes perfect sense.
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Comments (17)
Flav's so superfierce about the fact that his name is "FlavOR Flav" that I have to give What's-It-J-Whatever props for the artculated "Flayv-Errr-Flav."
1 of 17 | Posted by Leah | Posted on July 13, 2008 9:36 PM
I'm glad you're recapping this- sadly, that was my first thought after seeing the previews.
This show is going to be such a trainwreck.
loves it.
2 of 17 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on July 14, 2008 2:18 AM
Glad you've got this one covered. I was hoping I wasn't the only one to notice white boy's cami, tat, and chain ensemble.
3 of 17 | Posted by tadow | Posted on July 14, 2008 3:45 AM
Excellent form of douchebaggery by Midget Mac. He was saying that he got more money than Hoops, and I yelled at my TV, "Hoops was the winner of the first FLAVOR OF LOVE! The runner-up of that season sent you home on her own show!"
And where did you get that picture of poor, disformed Mr. Heat?
4 of 17 | Posted by nerrawllehctim | Posted on July 14, 2008 5:24 AM
Great recap. There's so many vapid people on this show its got to be good. Heat is a total asshole. And I really dont see how everybody thinks Megan has a hot body. Boobs-yes, the rest of her?? Someone should point out her ass is as flat as her face.
5 of 17 | Posted by Poopsicle | Posted on July 14, 2008 7:37 AM
helllls yeah.
SO glad you're recapping this nightmare CB. looking forward to every diseased second.
i would happily nosh on some delightful Granny pancakes for the cause. though i have a sneaky suspicion they may taste a bit like worn leather and aqua net. still, i adore her.
anyone else notice annoying brandi's lips? methinks she had some (cheap, hack) work done with the cash she made living up to those highschool nicknames. you don't just wake up one day looking like a duck. she's looking as busted as her buddy, butterface flats. i abhore the 'i'm so hot it makes me stupid' act more than anything.
but with any luck destiney, flasher or granny will grind them both into dust. *(which will then be incorporated into the diamond inlay on craig j's krunk kup. though i will say, this cj is infinitely more articulate than that OTHER cj who hosts crap like this. trucker hats = unequivocal brain power indeed).
6 of 17 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on July 14, 2008 8:36 AM
Oh, this is a trainwreck.
Hate Megan with a passion.
ChickBomb, I seem to remember from "I love New York" that Mr. Boston is only half-Jewish. I don't know if it helps you, but it helped me a little.
7 of 17 | Posted by SpaceVenus | Posted on July 14, 2008 8:37 AM
Way to go, ChickBomb, you ruined all my sexytime fantasies of Boston by reminding me that he's "not real big down there"! Your recaps are spot-on and hysterical (and you save me from having to actually watch this show... sometimes it just makes me sad to see these people... I don't want to laugh at them while the show is airing because I feel guilty, but it's okay when I read about it later and laugh at them!). Much love to you,
xoxox
love, J-Mo :)
8 of 17 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 14, 2008 9:22 AM
White Boy would be easier to take if he didn't speak with that thick Yiddish accent all the time.
I think VH1 has finally hit on the right formula...can't wait!
9 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on July 14, 2008 5:35 PM
Itchy,
Seriously, it's a glorified Real World/Road Rules challenge with the most vapid people in History. MTV nailed this formula ten or twelve years ago.
10 of 17 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on July 14, 2008 7:27 PM
OMG....when Annoying Brandi C. said she'd build herself a Barbie dream house on the hills I busted out laughing. This bitch just said this retarded shit...outloud...on television.
I really do think this girl is so sadly stupid that she meant an actual Barbie dream house - like for actual Barbies.
11 of 17 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on July 14, 2008 8:28 PM
Hey, Slutty...sure, MTV might have figured it out (although they seemed to have backslid big time lately) but VH1 is just breaking wind here...none of this nonsense about 'looking for love'...this is pure reality porn...
Show seems to have some semblance of a production budget too.
12 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on July 15, 2008 10:50 AM
I loved this show!!!! It is so trashy. I cannot wait for this season. I loved the fact that you said Midget Mac was from "shantytown" because he totally was. I think he lives in the place where Scarlett O'Hara got jumped in GWTW. I liked Nigdet Mac on I LOVE NY, but he was annoying as hell here. Why is he so f-ing smug? What does he have to proud of? What did he mean when he told Hoopz he had more money than her and her !#$@. What did he mean? If he meant her p*ssy, it still doesn't make sense. I was praying that someone would throw his ass in the pool.
13 of 17 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on July 15, 2008 11:10 AM
great recap!
quick question, is anyone recapping brooke knows best?
14 of 17 | Posted by stina | Posted on July 16, 2008 11:31 AM
Lol ReeseWitherspoon. Nigdet Mac? I know what you meant to type, but the typo is just deliciously, awfully wrong and hilarious (I did a double take).
Anyhow, this show is going to be so amazing. SO glad VH1 decided to go this route instead of throwing more crap like Charm School at us
Also, looks like ROL 3 will be happening soon... never was the biggest fan of ROL series, but Flav is done and NY too presumably (she has her own show coming out soon) so I'll be watching..
15 of 17 | Posted by shia0bundan | Posted on July 16, 2008 9:27 PM
Shia...I hope this does not ruin your day but I read some time ago that there would be another installation of Charm School with the ROL girls and with Sharon Osbourne in the Monique role. I will miss Monique's innovation with the English language - "slutatious" being one of my favorite made-up words - but I will not miss her strange ennunciation...the breathy yet nasal way she said things like "pledge pin" drove me nuts.
16 of 17 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on July 17, 2008 4:48 AM
"This world was such a better place before Paris Hilton sprayed her herpes all over it." Never before have truer words been uttered, CB.
SOOOO glad you're recapping this one, darlin'. Go Grandma Rodeo!!
17 of 17 | Posted by TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz | Posted on July 23, 2008 6:33 AM