Anyway, this particular white guy - who I check my notes from the casting special, and what do you know? His name actually is White Boy - takes up residence in a bedroom with about five of the hos. Everyone else scrambles around for a place to sleep, and since there's one less bed than there is contestants, Mr. Boston is left out in the cold. He slips on his flea market shades to let us know that even though no one wants to room with him, he's still super cool, and asks Toastee if he can bunk with her. He tells her not to worry, nothing will happen, unless she wants it to...and in that case, he can go all night. No worries indeed, Toastee was the amateur porn star, remember? And it comes out that Nibblz was the one who informed Flav of this shocking whore allegation that ultimately got her eliminated, so now Nibblz and Toastee got a beef. Toastee is just happy that Pumkin's there. Pumkin's the only one she can trust.
I can't imagine why this one would have trouble feeling accepted.
Speaking of alliances, Heat and Twelve Pack are in what they're calling the Party Boy Alliance. Flasher Heather and Bisexual Destiney are going to officially be besties as well. Flasher's hot for Twelve Pack. Oh, Flash. I'm nauseous. Heat and Destiney have something going on as well. Now I'm physically vomiting. They all four decide to be in one big alliance/orgy together. But who's that lurking on the balcony? It's the Entertainer! And he warns that if Heat doesn't treat Destiney right...he'll be waiting. Despite her ridiculous taste in men, Destiney's alright by me. I'd quite like to see two dumb boys fighting over her.
Annoying Brandi C. appears on screen in her JC Penny bikini top and Supercuts brand weave to tell us that Mr. Boston really creeps "me and Megan" out. Oh, another shared brain sitch. Why can't she just be creeped out on her own? She needs Butterface to validate the creepy? Blonde and Dumber decide to hide the last empty bed, which happens to be in their room, so Mr. Boston can't get to it. Their super secret hiding spot turns out to be stacking it up against a wall. They congratulate themselves on this tactical victory with a "we rule!" and then leave the hidden bed unmanned while they have themselves a cocktail.
Craig J. invites everyone downstairs to "huddle up!". Craig J. is like the Mr. Brady of this house. I am also noticing that Craig J. is decked out in an all white suit. See everybody? Craig J. might be black, but he's going to distract you from that by wearing white and making sure we know that he knows that "Flava" is really pronounced "Flavor". He tells the group that just to prove how serious he is (in case the "J." didn't clue us in), he's going to write a check to every single one of them for $250,000.
Bisexual Destiney is beyond excited. This could change her life, she says! Nobody seems to notice or be bothered by the fact that it's one of those big, Publisher's Clearinghouse checks. This challenge is so...challenged. Craig J. asks each contestant what they will use the money for.
Dunno. How much is the giant vase?
Mr. Boston stammers that he needs money to shuttle back and forth between girlfriends in Boston and LA. Toastee says medical school - she's going to be a psychiatrist. Dolls, the inmates have officially taken over asylum. Pumkin wants a boob job, and I am loving the honesty. Butterface makes a nasty comment about Pumkin's boobs being saggy. Craig J. points out that Pumkin and Boston had a relationship at one point. Oh, ewwww.
Entertainer needs the money, obviously to move out of his parents' house. I mean, I get it and all, but I still think his parents are hilarious. Heat needs money for a parental related issue as well - his Mom had some surgery, and unfortunately came out of it with some type of "disformation". Heat's very own, very creative, very, ummmm...special word, not mine.
Poor, disformed Mr. Heat.
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Comments (17)
Flav's so superfierce about the fact that his name is "FlavOR Flav" that I have to give What's-It-J-Whatever props for the artculated "Flayv-Errr-Flav."
1 of 17 | Posted by Leah | Posted on July 13, 2008 9:36 PM
I'm glad you're recapping this- sadly, that was my first thought after seeing the previews.
This show is going to be such a trainwreck.
loves it.
2 of 17 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on July 14, 2008 2:18 AM
Glad you've got this one covered. I was hoping I wasn't the only one to notice white boy's cami, tat, and chain ensemble.
3 of 17 | Posted by tadow | Posted on July 14, 2008 3:45 AM
Excellent form of douchebaggery by Midget Mac. He was saying that he got more money than Hoops, and I yelled at my TV, "Hoops was the winner of the first FLAVOR OF LOVE! The runner-up of that season sent you home on her own show!"
And where did you get that picture of poor, disformed Mr. Heat?
4 of 17 | Posted by nerrawllehctim | Posted on July 14, 2008 5:24 AM
Great recap. There's so many vapid people on this show its got to be good. Heat is a total asshole. And I really dont see how everybody thinks Megan has a hot body. Boobs-yes, the rest of her?? Someone should point out her ass is as flat as her face.
5 of 17 | Posted by Poopsicle | Posted on July 14, 2008 7:37 AM
helllls yeah.
SO glad you're recapping this nightmare CB. looking forward to every diseased second.
i would happily nosh on some delightful Granny pancakes for the cause. though i have a sneaky suspicion they may taste a bit like worn leather and aqua net. still, i adore her.
anyone else notice annoying brandi's lips? methinks she had some (cheap, hack) work done with the cash she made living up to those highschool nicknames. you don't just wake up one day looking like a duck. she's looking as busted as her buddy, butterface flats. i abhore the 'i'm so hot it makes me stupid' act more than anything.
but with any luck destiney, flasher or granny will grind them both into dust. *(which will then be incorporated into the diamond inlay on craig j's krunk kup. though i will say, this cj is infinitely more articulate than that OTHER cj who hosts crap like this. trucker hats = unequivocal brain power indeed).
6 of 17 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on July 14, 2008 8:36 AM
Oh, this is a trainwreck.
Hate Megan with a passion.
ChickBomb, I seem to remember from "I love New York" that Mr. Boston is only half-Jewish. I don't know if it helps you, but it helped me a little.
7 of 17 | Posted by SpaceVenus | Posted on July 14, 2008 8:37 AM
Way to go, ChickBomb, you ruined all my sexytime fantasies of Boston by reminding me that he's "not real big down there"! Your recaps are spot-on and hysterical (and you save me from having to actually watch this show... sometimes it just makes me sad to see these people... I don't want to laugh at them while the show is airing because I feel guilty, but it's okay when I read about it later and laugh at them!). Much love to you,
xoxox
love, J-Mo :)
8 of 17 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 14, 2008 9:22 AM
White Boy would be easier to take if he didn't speak with that thick Yiddish accent all the time.
I think VH1 has finally hit on the right formula...can't wait!
9 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on July 14, 2008 5:35 PM
Itchy,
Seriously, it's a glorified Real World/Road Rules challenge with the most vapid people in History. MTV nailed this formula ten or twelve years ago.
10 of 17 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on July 14, 2008 7:27 PM
OMG....when Annoying Brandi C. said she'd build herself a Barbie dream house on the hills I busted out laughing. This bitch just said this retarded shit...outloud...on television.
I really do think this girl is so sadly stupid that she meant an actual Barbie dream house - like for actual Barbies.
11 of 17 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on July 14, 2008 8:28 PM
Hey, Slutty...sure, MTV might have figured it out (although they seemed to have backslid big time lately) but VH1 is just breaking wind here...none of this nonsense about 'looking for love'...this is pure reality porn...
Show seems to have some semblance of a production budget too.
12 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on July 15, 2008 10:50 AM
I loved this show!!!! It is so trashy. I cannot wait for this season. I loved the fact that you said Midget Mac was from "shantytown" because he totally was. I think he lives in the place where Scarlett O'Hara got jumped in GWTW. I liked Nigdet Mac on I LOVE NY, but he was annoying as hell here. Why is he so f-ing smug? What does he have to proud of? What did he mean when he told Hoopz he had more money than her and her !#$@. What did he mean? If he meant her p*ssy, it still doesn't make sense. I was praying that someone would throw his ass in the pool.
13 of 17 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on July 15, 2008 11:10 AM
great recap!
quick question, is anyone recapping brooke knows best?
14 of 17 | Posted by stina | Posted on July 16, 2008 11:31 AM
Lol ReeseWitherspoon. Nigdet Mac? I know what you meant to type, but the typo is just deliciously, awfully wrong and hilarious (I did a double take).
Anyhow, this show is going to be so amazing. SO glad VH1 decided to go this route instead of throwing more crap like Charm School at us
Also, looks like ROL 3 will be happening soon... never was the biggest fan of ROL series, but Flav is done and NY too presumably (she has her own show coming out soon) so I'll be watching..
15 of 17 | Posted by shia0bundan | Posted on July 16, 2008 9:27 PM
Shia...I hope this does not ruin your day but I read some time ago that there would be another installation of Charm School with the ROL girls and with Sharon Osbourne in the Monique role. I will miss Monique's innovation with the English language - "slutatious" being one of my favorite made-up words - but I will not miss her strange ennunciation...the breathy yet nasal way she said things like "pledge pin" drove me nuts.
16 of 17 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on July 17, 2008 4:48 AM
"This world was such a better place before Paris Hilton sprayed her herpes all over it." Never before have truer words been uttered, CB.
SOOOO glad you're recapping this one, darlin'. Go Grandma Rodeo!!
17 of 17 | Posted by TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz | Posted on July 23, 2008 6:33 AM