Next up is Granny Rodeo, and man oh man, does she has plans for this dough! She's going to use it to improve revenue stream for her products. Which include (from least hilarious to laugh-my- ass-off-for-days hilarious): her workout video, her clothing line, her barbeque sauce (which we already knew about - someone must order some and write a review) and the piece de resistance....Rodeo's Rise and Shine Oatmeal Pancakes. I literally wake a sleeping person whooping over that one. Forget the barbeque sauce, we need to try us some of Granny's oatmeal pancakes. I am dying. Granny is barbecued, oatmeal gold.
Flasher surprises me by saying that she'll use her money to cover up her "Bret" tattoo. That makes me sad. It really does. Hoopz and Real give us a sob story about their Moms and Grandmas. White Boy doesn't bother with any of that family nonsense, he is not ashamed to admit that the money will be 100% for him. He's got mortgages to pay, and investments to invest in. White Boy Trump over here.
Chance's money will simply "add to the greatness". He and his brother have a single dropping, yo. Destiney will buy a Corvette - that is so her. Loves it. Twelve Pack will buy a bar...he thinks. Annoying Brandi C. will "build a Barbie dream house in the hills". Is she fucking kidding me? With $125,000? Even with the whole $250k? Maybe a Bratz dreamhouse, maybe in a third world country, maybe with the US dollar ten years ago...maybe.
Poor people are hilarious.
Nibblz, the dominatrix, will build a full S&M dungeon in her basement. This is so insanely depraved, I can't help but get behind it. And the other half of Annoying Brandi C.'s brain, Butterface Megan, will use her money to raise awareness for mentally retarded dogs. Because she's rescued a mentally challenged dog herself. Okay, now I know she's not this mind numbingly stupid - I mean, very stupid, but not this stupid - and it just kills me that girls come on these reality shows and actually choose to play this dumb, shallow, "I'm hot" character. This world was such a better place before Paris Hilton sprayed her herpes all over it.
Midge Mac, who has to be subtitled for everything he says, will give about $200,000 to his Momma and Daddy, and the other $50,000 to strippers. Okaaaay. The same honesty that I found most refreshing in Pumkin is just pathetic in Midge Mac. Doesn't he have like, four kids back in shantytown? And at least Pumkin is smart enough to realize that after taxes, there's only really enough left for a boob job.
So Craig J. gives us some more deets. He has really adorable dimples. His nose could use some work though. No more profile for you, Craig J. And he tells us what the few housemates who know how to count have already figured out - there are seventeen contestants, but only sixteen beds. Someone...is going home tonight.
And for the first challenge, everyone has to get dressed in a black bikini. Everyone, that is, except Midge Mac. He tells everyone it's really for the good of the world, because no one wants to see him in a bathing suit. Well, in real life, probably not, but on VH1? Sure! Why not? Unless he has another story up his sleeve...or tucked into the shoulder strap of his wifebeater tank...let me guess, was his uncle dressed in a bikini when he drowned at the family reunion? Yes, that must be it.
Hoopz is seriously bothered by the fact that Midge Mac won't don a swimsuit. What's it to her? She tells him to start drinking to get over his insecurity. To which he classily replies, "I got more money than you and your $%@#^". I don't know what the "$%@#^" meant, but I copied it symbol for symbol from the screen, so if anyone knows how to translate Trash to English, please do let me know.
I think this means "Help the Disformed"
Hoopz is pissed. She lifts up her very muscle-y arms and tells us she'll dump him in the pool, cause she knows he can't swim. Now, that I'd like to see. And all the other hos back her. Annoying Brandi C. pipes in that he shouldn't be disrespecting them, because none of the girls did anything to him. Midge Mac cuts her down with a "I wasn't even talking to you Snow White!" Oh, that was a good one. But you know what would be even better? Ho White.
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Comments (17)
Flav's so superfierce about the fact that his name is "FlavOR Flav" that I have to give What's-It-J-Whatever props for the artculated "Flayv-Errr-Flav."
1 of 17 | Posted by Leah | Posted on July 13, 2008 9:36 PM
I'm glad you're recapping this- sadly, that was my first thought after seeing the previews.
This show is going to be such a trainwreck.
loves it.
2 of 17 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on July 14, 2008 2:18 AM
Glad you've got this one covered. I was hoping I wasn't the only one to notice white boy's cami, tat, and chain ensemble.
3 of 17 | Posted by tadow | Posted on July 14, 2008 3:45 AM
Excellent form of douchebaggery by Midget Mac. He was saying that he got more money than Hoops, and I yelled at my TV, "Hoops was the winner of the first FLAVOR OF LOVE! The runner-up of that season sent you home on her own show!"
And where did you get that picture of poor, disformed Mr. Heat?
4 of 17 | Posted by nerrawllehctim | Posted on July 14, 2008 5:24 AM
Great recap. There's so many vapid people on this show its got to be good. Heat is a total asshole. And I really dont see how everybody thinks Megan has a hot body. Boobs-yes, the rest of her?? Someone should point out her ass is as flat as her face.
5 of 17 | Posted by Poopsicle | Posted on July 14, 2008 7:37 AM
helllls yeah.
SO glad you're recapping this nightmare CB. looking forward to every diseased second.
i would happily nosh on some delightful Granny pancakes for the cause. though i have a sneaky suspicion they may taste a bit like worn leather and aqua net. still, i adore her.
anyone else notice annoying brandi's lips? methinks she had some (cheap, hack) work done with the cash she made living up to those highschool nicknames. you don't just wake up one day looking like a duck. she's looking as busted as her buddy, butterface flats. i abhore the 'i'm so hot it makes me stupid' act more than anything.
but with any luck destiney, flasher or granny will grind them both into dust. *(which will then be incorporated into the diamond inlay on craig j's krunk kup. though i will say, this cj is infinitely more articulate than that OTHER cj who hosts crap like this. trucker hats = unequivocal brain power indeed).
6 of 17 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on July 14, 2008 8:36 AM
Oh, this is a trainwreck.
Hate Megan with a passion.
ChickBomb, I seem to remember from "I love New York" that Mr. Boston is only half-Jewish. I don't know if it helps you, but it helped me a little.
7 of 17 | Posted by SpaceVenus | Posted on July 14, 2008 8:37 AM
Way to go, ChickBomb, you ruined all my sexytime fantasies of Boston by reminding me that he's "not real big down there"! Your recaps are spot-on and hysterical (and you save me from having to actually watch this show... sometimes it just makes me sad to see these people... I don't want to laugh at them while the show is airing because I feel guilty, but it's okay when I read about it later and laugh at them!). Much love to you,
xoxox
love, J-Mo :)
8 of 17 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 14, 2008 9:22 AM
White Boy would be easier to take if he didn't speak with that thick Yiddish accent all the time.
I think VH1 has finally hit on the right formula...can't wait!
9 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on July 14, 2008 5:35 PM
Itchy,
Seriously, it's a glorified Real World/Road Rules challenge with the most vapid people in History. MTV nailed this formula ten or twelve years ago.
10 of 17 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on July 14, 2008 7:27 PM
OMG....when Annoying Brandi C. said she'd build herself a Barbie dream house on the hills I busted out laughing. This bitch just said this retarded shit...outloud...on television.
I really do think this girl is so sadly stupid that she meant an actual Barbie dream house - like for actual Barbies.
11 of 17 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on July 14, 2008 8:28 PM
Hey, Slutty...sure, MTV might have figured it out (although they seemed to have backslid big time lately) but VH1 is just breaking wind here...none of this nonsense about 'looking for love'...this is pure reality porn...
Show seems to have some semblance of a production budget too.
12 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on July 15, 2008 10:50 AM
I loved this show!!!! It is so trashy. I cannot wait for this season. I loved the fact that you said Midget Mac was from "shantytown" because he totally was. I think he lives in the place where Scarlett O'Hara got jumped in GWTW. I liked Nigdet Mac on I LOVE NY, but he was annoying as hell here. Why is he so f-ing smug? What does he have to proud of? What did he mean when he told Hoopz he had more money than her and her !#$@. What did he mean? If he meant her p*ssy, it still doesn't make sense. I was praying that someone would throw his ass in the pool.
13 of 17 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on July 15, 2008 11:10 AM
great recap!
quick question, is anyone recapping brooke knows best?
14 of 17 | Posted by stina | Posted on July 16, 2008 11:31 AM
Lol ReeseWitherspoon. Nigdet Mac? I know what you meant to type, but the typo is just deliciously, awfully wrong and hilarious (I did a double take).
Anyhow, this show is going to be so amazing. SO glad VH1 decided to go this route instead of throwing more crap like Charm School at us
Also, looks like ROL 3 will be happening soon... never was the biggest fan of ROL series, but Flav is done and NY too presumably (she has her own show coming out soon) so I'll be watching..
15 of 17 | Posted by shia0bundan | Posted on July 16, 2008 9:27 PM
Shia...I hope this does not ruin your day but I read some time ago that there would be another installation of Charm School with the ROL girls and with Sharon Osbourne in the Monique role. I will miss Monique's innovation with the English language - "slutatious" being one of my favorite made-up words - but I will not miss her strange ennunciation...the breathy yet nasal way she said things like "pledge pin" drove me nuts.
16 of 17 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on July 17, 2008 4:48 AM
"This world was such a better place before Paris Hilton sprayed her herpes all over it." Never before have truer words been uttered, CB.
SOOOO glad you're recapping this one, darlin'. Go Grandma Rodeo!!
17 of 17 | Posted by TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz | Posted on July 23, 2008 6:33 AM