Next up is Flasher! Yeah! She tells us we all know she's got lots of experience stuffing money in her rack, so game on. Butterface tells us Flasher is old and washed up and that maybe she's the hottest girl in the strip club, but not in this house. Well Butterface, maybe you're the hottest girl in the dark, but in the light of day...Then it's Granny Rodeo's turn. Entertainer is very turned on by Granny's "twenty-three year old ass". Butterface has another mean comment for Rodeo. Ugh, I was so busy focusing on the vapidity I totally forgot what a wretched meanie this ho is.
Pumkin kind of eats it, but she doesn't care cause she's just there to be a drunk slut. Mr. Boston has to un-stuff his speedos in order to make room for the money. When the money comes out of his crotch, he gives everyone a view that has them all grossed out. Hoopz rocks it out, and so does Destiney.
Chance is up next, but there's a problem. He refuses to take off his bandana. The oversize trucker hat he can part with, but not the bandana. He compares what's underneath to both Teen Wolf and Alfalfa. Then, word comes around that it's a 'fro. Well, now I'm dying to see what's underneath, so thank you very fucking much, Chance. Bottom line, Chance refuses to participate in the challenge.
So White Boy goes next. He is convinced that he won. Go white boy, go white boy go! As for the results, the top three are Hoopz, Destiney and White Boy. But in the end, White Boy is correct. He did win, and so did Hoopz. Those are our captains. White Boy's ready to pick his "squad". So serious.
Craig J. informs everyone that they should start making nice with the captains, which everyone makes quick business doing. Dumb Hoopz is clearly relishing her role as captain, telling us that now is everyone's opportunity to sell themselves. Five seconds later, she complains that there's so much ass kissing going on, it's ridiculous. Oh, I know this game! "Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me! Oh, I wish everyone would stop paying attention to me. Hey, why aren't you looking at me?" Annoying Brandi knows she messed up, and doesn't want Hoopz to think she's an "awful person". Oh no sweetie, no one thinks you're bad, just stupid.
Mr. Boston plays both sides, telling Hoopz what a strong woman she is, and playing the Jewish angle with his fellow Heeb, White Boy. These are my people? Both of them? Oy vey.
Butterface visits with White Boy and his brothers, Chance and Real, and while they're impressed with her hot bod and sexy butt crack stroking (yes, I'm serious), they also get a look at her face and somehow decide they're going to not be distracted by her. OH, and Miss Hot Pants? Your belly looks a little poochy from this angle. My, I enjoyed writing that! Then she tries to get on Hoopz's team - oh I'm sorry, squad - but when she finds out Pumkin's on that team already, she changes her mind. Obviously, there's bad blood with Butterface and Pumkin. I'm on Team Pumkin. Someone, café press some t-shirts, and fast!
Nibblz is on the phone with someone telling them that she really wants to win, but she doesn't want to be social this time. Then it sounds like she has some kinky phone sex. Gross. Later on, we're back to the missing bed caper - Pumkin spills the beans on where the bed is secretly "hidden", and the bed is Mr. Boston's. Annoying Brandi keeps telling us how creepy Mr. Boston is, which means she'll be doing him by episode three.
Hi five! Low five? Five? Ok, that's cool. Good to see ya anyhoo!
Everyone thinks Midge Mac has a lot to be worried about...everyone except Midge Mac, that is. He's never been worried, except when his condom burst. Entertainer uses a baseball team analogy to try and explain things to Midge. If you were on my baseball team, and I wanted to you to go up to bat and you wouldn't, why would I want you on my team, he asks? Brilliant analogy, smart guy but I don't think the problem is that Midge doesn't get it, I think he just dug this hole for himself, and now he's got no choice but to keep digging. "Let's just see how it plays out," he tells Entertainer faux-confidently.
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Comments (17)
Flav's so superfierce about the fact that his name is "FlavOR Flav" that I have to give What's-It-J-Whatever props for the artculated "Flayv-Errr-Flav."
1 of 17 | Posted by Leah | Posted on July 13, 2008 9:36 PM
I'm glad you're recapping this- sadly, that was my first thought after seeing the previews.
This show is going to be such a trainwreck.
loves it.
2 of 17 | Posted by dangerdarling | Posted on July 14, 2008 2:18 AM
Glad you've got this one covered. I was hoping I wasn't the only one to notice white boy's cami, tat, and chain ensemble.
3 of 17 | Posted by tadow | Posted on July 14, 2008 3:45 AM
Excellent form of douchebaggery by Midget Mac. He was saying that he got more money than Hoops, and I yelled at my TV, "Hoops was the winner of the first FLAVOR OF LOVE! The runner-up of that season sent you home on her own show!"
And where did you get that picture of poor, disformed Mr. Heat?
4 of 17 | Posted by nerrawllehctim | Posted on July 14, 2008 5:24 AM
Great recap. There's so many vapid people on this show its got to be good. Heat is a total asshole. And I really dont see how everybody thinks Megan has a hot body. Boobs-yes, the rest of her?? Someone should point out her ass is as flat as her face.
5 of 17 | Posted by Poopsicle | Posted on July 14, 2008 7:37 AM
helllls yeah.
SO glad you're recapping this nightmare CB. looking forward to every diseased second.
i would happily nosh on some delightful Granny pancakes for the cause. though i have a sneaky suspicion they may taste a bit like worn leather and aqua net. still, i adore her.
anyone else notice annoying brandi's lips? methinks she had some (cheap, hack) work done with the cash she made living up to those highschool nicknames. you don't just wake up one day looking like a duck. she's looking as busted as her buddy, butterface flats. i abhore the 'i'm so hot it makes me stupid' act more than anything.
but with any luck destiney, flasher or granny will grind them both into dust. *(which will then be incorporated into the diamond inlay on craig j's krunk kup. though i will say, this cj is infinitely more articulate than that OTHER cj who hosts crap like this. trucker hats = unequivocal brain power indeed).
6 of 17 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on July 14, 2008 8:36 AM
Oh, this is a trainwreck.
Hate Megan with a passion.
ChickBomb, I seem to remember from "I love New York" that Mr. Boston is only half-Jewish. I don't know if it helps you, but it helped me a little.
7 of 17 | Posted by SpaceVenus | Posted on July 14, 2008 8:37 AM
Way to go, ChickBomb, you ruined all my sexytime fantasies of Boston by reminding me that he's "not real big down there"! Your recaps are spot-on and hysterical (and you save me from having to actually watch this show... sometimes it just makes me sad to see these people... I don't want to laugh at them while the show is airing because I feel guilty, but it's okay when I read about it later and laugh at them!). Much love to you,
xoxox
love, J-Mo :)
8 of 17 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on July 14, 2008 9:22 AM
White Boy would be easier to take if he didn't speak with that thick Yiddish accent all the time.
I think VH1 has finally hit on the right formula...can't wait!
9 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on July 14, 2008 5:35 PM
Itchy,
Seriously, it's a glorified Real World/Road Rules challenge with the most vapid people in History. MTV nailed this formula ten or twelve years ago.
10 of 17 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on July 14, 2008 7:27 PM
OMG....when Annoying Brandi C. said she'd build herself a Barbie dream house on the hills I busted out laughing. This bitch just said this retarded shit...outloud...on television.
I really do think this girl is so sadly stupid that she meant an actual Barbie dream house - like for actual Barbies.
11 of 17 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on July 14, 2008 8:28 PM
Hey, Slutty...sure, MTV might have figured it out (although they seemed to have backslid big time lately) but VH1 is just breaking wind here...none of this nonsense about 'looking for love'...this is pure reality porn...
Show seems to have some semblance of a production budget too.
12 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on July 15, 2008 10:50 AM
I loved this show!!!! It is so trashy. I cannot wait for this season. I loved the fact that you said Midget Mac was from "shantytown" because he totally was. I think he lives in the place where Scarlett O'Hara got jumped in GWTW. I liked Nigdet Mac on I LOVE NY, but he was annoying as hell here. Why is he so f-ing smug? What does he have to proud of? What did he mean when he told Hoopz he had more money than her and her !#$@. What did he mean? If he meant her p*ssy, it still doesn't make sense. I was praying that someone would throw his ass in the pool.
13 of 17 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on July 15, 2008 11:10 AM
great recap!
quick question, is anyone recapping brooke knows best?
14 of 17 | Posted by stina | Posted on July 16, 2008 11:31 AM
Lol ReeseWitherspoon. Nigdet Mac? I know what you meant to type, but the typo is just deliciously, awfully wrong and hilarious (I did a double take).
Anyhow, this show is going to be so amazing. SO glad VH1 decided to go this route instead of throwing more crap like Charm School at us
Also, looks like ROL 3 will be happening soon... never was the biggest fan of ROL series, but Flav is done and NY too presumably (she has her own show coming out soon) so I'll be watching..
15 of 17 | Posted by shia0bundan | Posted on July 16, 2008 9:27 PM
Shia...I hope this does not ruin your day but I read some time ago that there would be another installation of Charm School with the ROL girls and with Sharon Osbourne in the Monique role. I will miss Monique's innovation with the English language - "slutatious" being one of my favorite made-up words - but I will not miss her strange ennunciation...the breathy yet nasal way she said things like "pledge pin" drove me nuts.
16 of 17 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on July 17, 2008 4:48 AM
"This world was such a better place before Paris Hilton sprayed her herpes all over it." Never before have truer words been uttered, CB.
SOOOO glad you're recapping this one, darlin'. Go Grandma Rodeo!!
17 of 17 | Posted by TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz | Posted on July 23, 2008 6:33 AM