Testimonials

She's pissed that Heather, 12 Pack, and The Entertainer have created alliances with the other team. Considering we were just told about her alliance with the Greens a few minutes ago, I'm thoroughly unimpressed. 12 Pack tries to sway Hoopz by being like, "I thought you were cool!" These people are reality TV all-stars but they bargain with the same lines that kids use in those educational peer pressure films, with similar shameful results.

Everyone heads out to the competition, where they're greeted with a couple of empty tables. Real determines this means they'll be skydiving which...yeah, totally. CJ announces that the challenge is called The Crying Game, and while Real assumes they'll be crying as they leap from planes, the goal is just to make yourself cry. Sort of obvious. The first team to have each of its members produce a tear wins the challenge, so the competition is over before CJ even finishes speaking.

No, JK, the challenge actually goes on! The Goldies pick Hoopz to sit out since the teams are uneven and Hoopz is a heartless bitch. Either that or she's a bad actress, but isn't that the same thing on these shows? Luckily for those who lack the drama skillz, CJ produces a couple of crying tools, crycessories if you will. There's an onion, a cigar, cayenne pepper, hot sauce, and tweezers. Destiney is relieved since she can use the tweezers to pluck any unruly stubble.

Her transformation to Homer Simpson is nearly complete.

The Entertainer terrifyingly declares that his team will cry, even if he has to cut off their genitals. While scary, this is not totally unexpected so no one flinches. They only stir when they find out that one team member must cry on their own, without any help from the crycessories. Woe! Brandi gleefully decides to be that person for the Greens, although she usually needs some vodka to get the tears going. Presumably she's well-lubed for this competition. Rodeo will cry naturally for the Goldies, which means they have already won. Rodeo cries just thinking about those hard times before the days of electricity.

An unfortunate production assistant draws a mustache onto all the money grubbers as a judging line. In order for a tear to count, it has to cross the mustache. Everyone knows it's not a good time unless your mustache gets soaked. With all that said and done, it's time to cry! Heather immediately sticks an entire onion halve in her fucking eye, which seems like a true commitment to the team until we see Pumkin. Oh, sweet Pumkin. She explains that since she doesn't know what cayenne pepper is, she just rubbed it all in her eyes. The thing is, even if you don't know what cayenne means, shouldn't pepper give it away? It's pepper. What the fuck. Pumkin's face explodes.

Dude, like, pepper is hot!

In confessional, she tells us not to put pepper in our eyes. Oh, okay. Now I understand.

Heather works up a tear, which puts the Goldies at 2-0. While Real digs in his nose with tweezers ala Boston, The Entertainer thinks back on his life at home with the folks and sobs in record time. That's 3-0! Luckily Chance is able to produce a tear from cigar smoke, so that gives the Greeners a slight chance to catch up. Since it's the Green Team, however, shit looks bleak.

12 Pack violates Pumkin's new commandment and coats his eyes in hot sauce, which hurts, apparently. I am baffled. Something comes out of his eye but I swear it's not a tear, that shit is straight up blood.

My Bloody Valentine.

Destiney cries next, which means Gold has four and Green has two. Considering how these competitions usually go, Green isn't doing too shabby for once, and it seems like they really might have a shot since Toastee discovers she can no longer cry on command. She used up all her eye water on that fake injury, dammit! Desperate times call for desperate measures though, and since she can't crumble into agonizing pretend pain, she asks 12 Pack to slap her in the face. 12 Pack prematurely ejaculates with joy and punches her right there on the spot. In turn, Toastee sheds a tear! Hooray, violence!

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Posted in I Love Money by Bailey Quarters at 3:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)
Last Comment: PBandJ on Aug 19, 2008 01:35 PM.