Testimonials

You know how sometimes a porn star is filling your mouth? That's Toastee's life, apparently. She makes out with Brandi and laments that Destiney is not sucking up to her in similar ways. Destiney is too busy sucking other things, come on! She and The Entertainer come up with a brilliant idea that starts with, "I'm going to look like I am drunk, okay? I'm not going to be drunk." Hold the phone, this plan is confusing already! It goes on, too, spiraling into something where The Entertainer and Destiney will stage a fight and she'll whine to the girls. That will make them love her and then she's safe! Except, you know, that sounds dumb as shit. He insists that she slap him though, explaining that she'd be doing that when they have sex anyway. You know what turns me on in bed? Black eyes. For that reason, the plan is in action and everyone is so super sober, they all take notice immediately.

No, wait, the plan is in tatters.

With nothing accomplished, we cut to the next morning. The Greeners head to the vault without any complaints of a raging hangover, which makes me think these morning scenes must be filmed at 6 PM. How else can these people function? CJ announces that he'll stay in the vault with the team this time, since shit got so very wild last week. Megan's mentally challenged dog, Lily Megan, is also there as a peacemaker. She's the most levelheaded of all of them, let's be honest. When CJ and Lily Megan have a consensus on the three individuals going into the strongbox, they'll deposit the check. I suppose this is to avoid having to draw up enormous plastic checks for a second time if people start brawlin'. I hate when that happens!

As soon as the clock starts running, Brandi volunteers for the strongbox since she came in second to last. Also, she's terrible at everything, even campaigning for herself. Real suggests Destiney as the next person, and voila, it's unanimous! Destiney is less than thrilled but she's so busy combing her chin, she can't really argue. Real agrees to go in as the third contestant, and with that, the vault experience is finished with little fanfare. Boo, I Love Money! You can do better! In confessional, Megan comments that Real is an idiot for putting himself in the box. If Toastee is smart (which she isn't), she'll send the strongest person home and Real will go byebye. It's kind of a sad day when Megan is the most insightful cast member.

CJ reveals the bottom three to the Goldies, and shockingly, The Entertainer is mildly peeved. He expresses his frustration by bellowing, "If they send Destiney home, I'm gonna blow this whole fucking house up." I love that none of the producers take this shit seriously. He could spend a day peeling the skin from 12 Pack's nuts and they'd be like, "Make sure we've got enough tape left to keep rolling." In the end, though, who can blame them? Toastee isn't too fazed by the nominations, mumbling something about how being famous is pretty sweet. She may have said "being Paymaster" instead, but her accent is ridic and it's just Toastee, so who gives a shit, you know? Whatever she said, surely it wasn't a grad school thesis.

Back at the house, Destiney wonders why Brandi and Real volunteered to go in the box. It's been such a deathmatch for the past few weeks, so way to be observant, Big D. The Entertainer responds helpfully, noting that "they could all die in their sleep tomorrow and [he] wouldn't care." I know these girls dig having The Entertainer suck on their feet, but I would truly be concerned that he'd bite a fucking toe off. He doesn't have a chance this time though, since it's already time for Toastee's big power outing. Hoorah! It's off to Bahia de Conejos which means Set of Reality TV show. Trust me, I know my Spanish. The place is gorgeous.

Can we have a sleepover?

They walk through the shithole and eventually find a beach, in one of I Love Money's most shocking twists! The group will go snorkeling for their outing, which is really pretty cool, especially in comparison to that outing where Mr. Boston just puked into a bucket the whole time. Everyone loads into the water, and unlike me, no one is terrified by the prospect of having fish rub up against them even though that is so fucking creepy. A turtle the size of a goddamn bear floats past Brandi and she's never concerned, while I'm writhing at the sight of it. Brandi - 1, Bailey Quarters - zip.

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Posted in I Love Money by Bailey Quarters at 3:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)
Last Comment: PBandJ on Aug 19, 2008 01:35 PM.