Testimonials

Each team must stay in the ring for six minutes, but it's up to them to decide who goes in the ring first and how they divide their time. First up are Wolf and The Entertainer, and the latter chooses to fight first. His strategy is to go as long as possible, that way he can look good, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards because his opponent pummels the shit out of him as soon as the bell rings. Disgustingly enough, The Entertainer says the match is like foreplay for him, which really clues us in on his sex life. Speaking of, remember when he sucked on New York's toes? I do. After three minutes, he and Wolf switch out, and Wolf gets kicked square in the mouth. At the end of the round, the team takes 117 punches, 49 kicks, and one lump on the head. The phrasing of that delights me so much, you don't even know.

Team Two is Punk and Pretty. It's hard to write about the beatings, since it's mostly just a constant ass-whoopin', but it's important to note that New York is totally getting wet over the whole event. At the end of the six minutes, she notes that Punk is all man. In total, the pair receives 186 punches, 79 kicks, and they see many stars. You know, like the little ones that swirl around someone's head in cartoons. It's not like they just looked over at New York and thought, "Gasp! A celebrity!" I clarify because it's important that you don't view New York as someone famous. She really is not.

Next up are It and Midget Mac, which is the saddest team since the dawn of time. Like, honestly, why even bother? The lady boxers sense that It is completely hopeless, so instead of taking him on one-on-one like they did for all the other guys, they all attack him at once. Gotta say, It kinda deserves it. New York and her mom cackle for his whole three minutes in the ring, and then it's Midget Mac's turn. After about 30 seconds, New York says he's probably tired. What makes you think that, he's a midget who's getting kicked in the shins over and over? Huh. Their team takes 91 punches, 57 kicks, and a million low blows. Get it, because he's small.... Yeah, those jokes are officially only funny when I make them, not when the editing staff of I Love New York tries it.

Tailor Made has to take a beating for the full six minutes. I immediately thought this would be awesome, since he'd be coughing up blood right away, but he actually only takes two punches, two kicks, and runs 66 laps around the ring to get away from his opponent. Oh, Tailor Made, you are such a woman. The match is boring because it's a fair fight.

The last team is 20 Pack and Mr. Wise, who's another dude we've hardly ever seen. Mr. Wise tells 20 Pack he really needs the date, and I'd say that's true, considering he's only really known as White Guy Who's Not Tailor Made or The Entertainer. 20 Pack agrees to fight for two minutes and let Mr. Wise take the other four. Unfortunately, Mr. Wise decides to showboat and fight for the full six minutes. The girls beat the fucking shit out of him, and even New York yells for him to tag out but nah, he just keeps on going. In the end, he takes 103 punches, 66 kicks, and stabs one person in the back. Oh ho, so witty.

After the match, Mr. Wise feels bad for being an asshole. He also feels bad because he's bleeding internally. New York gives him a huge hug and congratulates him for not having a partner in the fight, and Mr. Wise has to sadly confess that he did have a partner. Luckily, New York is a fellow douchebag and decides no one needs 20 Pack; Mr. Wise is the man! Tailor Made berates them, yelling about how they had great teamwork, but it's hard to harass your competitors when you're doubled over in pain.

I did it all for the nookie.

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Posted in I Love New York by Bailey Quarters at 12:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)
Last Comment: blahblah on Nov 20, 2007 05:17 PM.