Testimonials

He gets called up first, and in confessional he admits this is nothing to fuck around with. Fortunately, he can fuck around with New York whenever he pleases. He offers her a scarf made for him by his second family, a group of Down syndrome children he works with. That's actually a really sweet gesture on his part, and surprisingly, New York doesn't say anything like, "Ew, retarded kids." However, she asks Lori if she's picking up any negative vibes from The Entertainer since her mom thinks he's a pervert. Lori assures her he's not a perv, which means Lori is completely batshit crazy. If she's so all knowing, she should know that he put New York's toes in his damn mouth. That's messed up! On cue, they show footage of that fine moment and I dryheave so hard. He needs to go home so we can stop reliving that memory. He reads some odd oath about how he's not a sexual freak, and then he bleeds all over the paper. Awesomely, he closes his segment by assuring us that he always means what he says and he'd never break up with New York. He's never dumped a woman - they always leave him. He says it so proudly, too. Nothing cooler than being like, "Hey, I'm a loser!"

Mr. Wise presents a picture his father painted of him, which New York does not appreciate. She says the guy in the picture is way too hot to be Mr. Wise, which...no.

A piece by Pablo PicASSo.

Pretty explains his gift is from his time as an intern at Capitol Hill. It's a tie given to him by Bill Clinton, so New York promptly checks it for jizz stains. So classy! She then says she doesn't want to keep the tie, but she'll keep it anyway. That's special. You know the only reason she doesn't want to keep it is because she thinks the gift sucks, not because it has such sentimental value to Pretty.

Wolf gives her his college championship track ring, to which New York responds by having an enormous orgasm. She'd get like $50 for it at the pawn shop, so her excitement does not accurately reflect the situation at hand. In his oath, Wolf promises he's well endowed and that he'll use his dick however New York likes. Lori backs up his claims by saying, "Look at the pendulum!" The very pendulum she's been swinging in her hand the whole time, which really hasn't shown any change. Hmm, fascinating.

As a token of his affection, Punk offers New York his father's gold wristwatch. It makes me sad that some people are actually giving up things that are significant in their lives. New York is a true cunt if she keeps this stuff. Punk tells her his father passed away four years ago, and they were very close. After a story about their relationship, New York actually decides to let him keep the watch, since she can see how much it means to him. Aww, heart is warmed! Punk says they shared a pretty intense moment together, and while I don't know if I'd go that far, it's significant that it's the only time she's been nice. Too bad some guys on the back line didn't speak up like, "Hey, can I get my shit back too?"

Next up is It, and you know he's going to present something ridiculous. Sure enough, his gift is a wallet his grandmother got in Egypt, and then a ring from his father. That sounds nice, but then he goes on to be like, "And my mother used this for her driver's lesson, and she failed and she had it the second time, and she passed." Time to get out the vaudeville hook and yank this asshole offstage. New York confirms he's an idiot, and she wishes he wasn't so damn dumb. Took the words right out of my mouth, girl! He stutters a few more sentences for her, but New York is more focused on scratching her boob right there in public so I'm distracted from what he said. Apparently the oath is too strong for him though, so not only does he refuse to sign in blood, he also says he can't determine if he's there for New York. Oh snap!

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Posted in I Love New York by Bailey Quarters at 7:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (16)
Last Comment: blahblah on Nov 20, 2007 05:46 PM.