The Entertainer presents his dish first. It's penne a la vodka (which he pronounces as "vaka" over and over, making my skin crawl), a piece of garlic bread, and a baked potato filled with ranch dressing. Everything on the plate is covered in ranch, but it looks like a platter of Jizz Stew. Appetizing. New York loves it for the exact reason I mentioned earlier: "He incorporated both of my two favorite things in the whole world, ranch dressing and vodka! Nobody's gonna beat this dish!" Oh New York, you are a winner at life.
Wolf offers up chicken fajitas, which might not be too bad. That could potentially work with ranch! She orgasms and then calls Pretty to serve his dish, called Mississippi Roll the Dice. Oh, this will go poorly. It's cheesecake with a ranch surprise, and unfortunately it makes New York vomit into a bucket. You'd think that would be the worst meal of the day, but not to fear, Mr. Wise is up next with his hot dogs. All these people are so lame today! Sister Patterson calls the dish white trash, and then Mr. Wise says he has to be honest: this was his first time making French fries, so fingers crossed! Mr. Wise has apparently never cooked anything in an oven in his life, so this is all a big adventure for him.
Punk calls his meal Saturday Afternoon, and New York yells her mom's name as he opens the serving tray. I could understand if he called it Afternoon Delight, but currently her enthusiasm confuses me. He serves bleu cheese burgers, but she cops a huge attitude about how she never told Punk she likes bleu cheese. She has to spit that shit out! Clearly Punk should have read her mind, so he is to blame. She calls in Tailor Made to remedy things, and he starts off by saying he wanted to create a dish that embodied who he thinks she is. As soon as you hear those words, you know this can't be good, right? He reveals his meal, called the Smart, Sexy Salmon Salad. He knows she enjoys the finer things in life, so he dumped some caviar into the salad too, which offends her. She offers to at least try it, so everyone yells that it's fish eggs just to psych her out. It works, she pukes, the end!
Buddha steps up last, and even though The Entertainer's meal could get her nice and drunk, you know Buddha will probably win this round. His meal is called El Pollo de New York, and of course she likes anything with her name in it. Sister Patterson loves it, but New York decides Wolf's dish was the one to die for. Yay Wolf and his big dong! Glad to know he can work both the vagina and a skillet. Unsurprisingly, Sister P picks Buddha. He grins confidently and Tailor Made nervously piddles on the floor.
Back at the house, Buddha meets New York for their date. He's excited to rekindle their flame, so they promptly start making out as soon as they see each other. Tailor Made watches this from behind a curtain and then reacts like a cartoon character. He really rocks the sad face, with the turned-down corners of the mouth and everything. Love it!
Cue Debbie Downer sound effects.
While he pouts, Buddha and New York head off for their meal, which appears to be in her bedroom. That is elegant indeed. They talk about how much they missed each other, and she fellates his ego for a while by telling him he's gorgeous, he's really fucking hot, and so on. Buddha doesn't seem to have a crazy ego or anything, but still, she probably doesn't need to egg him on like this. He's on reality TV, y'all! You know there's some crazy inside him, especially after he slapped Tailor Made around a few weeks ago. Still, she says he makes her feel passionate and she hasn't had that feeling with anyone else. Predictably the conversation turns to sexy matters right away. She informs him she's very aggressive in the bedroom (and also, uh, in every area of her life), but he wonders if she can handle him. She says he would be the ultimate challenge for her in bed, and in her own words, "It would just be so fucked up for you to be so gorgeous and have a small penis." Nicely put! He tells her not to worry about that - he's got references if she wants them.
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Comments (19)
From the recap: I also love that it was probably early in LA when they shot this scene, so I hope his mom was in New York or something and reacted like, "What the fuck you callin' so early for?" *****
Don't the timezones work the other way around? :P
Great recap.. much better than the boringass ep. this week. I can't say that I like Buddha AT ALL though. I want to whipe the smug off his face.
1 of 19 | Posted by shia0bundan | Posted on November 19, 2007 1:26 PM
I loved this episode! NY really outdid herself, from puking in a bucket rather than just swallowing one bite (are you really telling me NY can swallow Flava Flav yet pukes after tasting a salmon salad??), to straight up oogling over future sex with Buddha, to the "glad I wore panties" line, and finally to her enormously large tatters (although tatters might not work since her boobs seem incapable of movement - miss you Flasher :)
But this recap was equally awesome (I promise this is a compliment) as every single line from the show that made me laugh out loud you mentioned, especially the "appalled - that don't mean something good - do it?" that I just flat-out lost my shit over that!
(also loved tailormade for worrying how he would encorporate ranch dressing in his SALAD dish - you dumb motherFer!)
Oh! One more thing - this is what makes my shitty ass day at work bearable: "God only knows what wonders are hidden underneath her clothes, but there's like a 65% chance there's not a penis."
THANK YOU!
2 of 19 | Posted by Carmelicious | Posted on November 19, 2007 1:55 PM
Haha wow, shia, I am dumb as rocks! Pretend that whole time zone paragraph isn't in there. Clearly I should never make fun of It or Wolf when I can't even tell time. Thank you for liking the recap despite that!
Carmelicious, so glad you enjoyed it!! I'm also completely delighted that you used the word tatters. Your comment made my day!
3 of 19 | Posted by BaileyQuarters | Posted on November 19, 2007 2:54 PM
Enjoyed your recap even more than the show!
The next episode - with the ex's - looks like a good one!
4 of 19 | Posted by Fire@will | Posted on November 19, 2007 5:12 PM
Loved the recap! Also, in the previews did it look like Pretty yelled at NY to go buy a weave or something like that or was it just me?
5 of 19 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on November 19, 2007 9:21 PM
just an FYI: La Perla has AMAZING lingerie, which is obviously expensive. I spend much time perusing, but never buying, in the Michigan Ave store
6 of 19 | Posted by lalia | Posted on November 19, 2007 10:47 PM
So, do you suppose expensive lingerie looks cheap on TV... or just cheap on New York?
7 of 19 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on November 20, 2007 10:48 AM
Oh, one more thing -
I cannot believe New York is 25!! She looks like she is pushing 40!
8 of 19 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on November 20, 2007 11:11 AM
I gotta say it looks cheap on New York! I think it's the enormous tattooed boobs, and I know I mention them a lot but seriously, they're about to shoot through the screen at us. I'm glad to hear Tailor Made didn't get ripped off though! If he had, you know New York would've found out and ripped him a new one. On second thought, maybe that would've been better.
9 of 19 | Posted by BaileyQuarters | Posted on November 20, 2007 12:45 PM
"I also love that it was probably early in LA when they shot this scene, so I hope his mom was in New York or something and reacted like, "What the fuck you callin' so early for?" "
Great recaps! Only one problem for ya....if it was early in LA, won't it be later in NY? So his mom would already be up, right? :)
10 of 19 | Posted by Pappy | Posted on November 20, 2007 12:49 PM
erm...and how I missed that shia0bundan already said that....sorry! :)
11 of 19 | Posted by Pappy | Posted on November 20, 2007 12:52 PM
BaileyQuarters, anything would look cheap on our girl New York, dontcha think? I love her, but wow, what a hot mess. And you're totally right -- she is working the worst case of boob bulge I've ever seen. Love the recap, as always. I'm going to miss Wolf. "He sniffs a ball of mozzarella cheese and asks if it's meat." You don't find that kind of man every day.
And Lalia -- I live right by that store and walk by it at least once/day. I love how so many suburbanites and tourists stop and gawk at the whorish mannequins in the window, all scandalized. Cracks my shit up.
12 of 19 | Posted by LoLo | Posted on November 20, 2007 12:59 PM
Yay, you're back!!
Oh, where do I begin??
Here: "In his interview, Wolf says if he goes home tonight, he'll be appalled. Then he adds onto that by saying, "Is that a bad word? Like, it don't mean something good, do it?" God, please do a double eviction."
This literally made me LOL. Why is it taking New York so long to narrow down 25 suitors when the Bachelor got through his 25 women in less than 2 months? Oh, vh1.
Fun fact:
Remember when we found out Mr. Boston was "dating" Pumkin? Yeah..that should get him a forever ban from any of New York's shows. I'm smelling fakery.
"And..I'mgonapoovit"
It's official: I Love New York has the best reality TV editors ever! Bailey, you're screencap is priceless.
New York is suffering from a serious case of UniBoob and it deserves to be mentioned in EVERY RECAP...IN EVERY PARAGRAPH.
Sister Patterson is getting increasingly bitter. Didn't she get some goodness from one of New York's castoffs awhile back? That should've put a smile on ol' girl's face for at least ONE episode.
What's the over/under on how long it will take for New York and Buddha to get better acquainted, if you know what I mean (chicka chicka bow wow)?
13 of 19 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on November 20, 2007 6:20 PM
Alright, so I'm not too up to date on my New York bio so I have a couple questions maybe some of you can answer?
* What exactly does that tit tattoo say?
* Is Sister Patterson still married?
BTW, this show is too easy to recap; it just makes fun of itself. Wait...or does that mean it would make it harder?
14 of 19 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on November 20, 2007 7:11 PM
I think the tit tatto says Princess. I might be wrong.
And Sis. Patterson and NY's dad were never married. Odd for such a "Christian" woman.
15 of 19 | Posted by shia0bundan | Posted on November 21, 2007 12:04 AM
After she got the boob job she shoulda bought NEW tops that fit the new boobs in 'em.
16 of 19 | Posted by Dawn | Posted on November 22, 2007 9:23 AM
Amen, Dawn. It's more than a little disturbing to see New York's booblastics smushed into those tiny tops. I like how she wears bras with demure clear straps, yet the actual bra is always showing. Classy.
17 of 19 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on November 22, 2007 6:34 PM
I was just watching a rerun and I was reminded of how many times I've seen those clear bra straps. IMO they are far skankier than the actual colored bra straps. Those things aren't fooling anybody. Besides, I thought that breast implants make it so your breasts sit like apples (basketballs in this case) on your chest, why would she even need to wear a bra? And a push up bra no less.
18 of 19 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on November 23, 2007 2:14 PM
OK, I know that men like big tatters but I am thinking the other Rock of Love term "clown tits" applies here. What drives me nuts is when one boob fits into the outfit just fine but the other boob looks like it's practically being cut in half by the top seam of whatever corset-type thingy she is wearing. I mean, good lord, doesn't that hurt? Well, maybe not since vital nerves are often cut during the augmentation.
19 of 19 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on November 25, 2007 9:08 AM